Have you tried having a Fug All Friday recently?

Oh how I miss being lazy!

Kids are just such high maintenance – “I want lunch”, “wipe my bum”, “unhook me from the washing line”, “let me in the house – it’s raining”.

Today my boys asked for macaroni for lunch, well the one that could speak did.

He was quite upset when I gave him a bowl of pasta, without cheese sauce.

I tried to explain it was Fug All Friday – he didn’t get it – strange that.

This is what happens when you don’t give your children attention, they start WWF-ing each other!

I wish someone would invent a kids feeding system like they have for cats, where they tap a container and food rolls out the bottom.

Even a toddler-sized cat flap would be handy – especially one with a lock

I find Fridays extremely annoying after a long week, I just want to do diddly squat but kids make that impossible.

A few months ago I wrote about my F*%K All Friday policy – where I do nothing all day (it explains the rules and ’tis quite amusing).

It’s kinda hard to let go – but with practise you too can transform your Friday into a day of sloth.

Start with letting the kids do whatever they want!

Riding a roll of wrapping paper as a horse

This frees you up to do useless shit such as playing on your phone, blogging, and taking lots of selfies with your kids.

Usually they’re keen to oblige as are high on the bucket loads of sugar you gave them to keep them away from you for five minutes.

Look at his eyes – he’s totally thinking – “I’m going to snap her neck in half unless she feeds me more lollies!”

Geez, what a stunning photo that is of me!

If you’ve succeeded in hiding from the ferals wee darlings for 10 minutes (usually by locking yourself in the toilet) – use this time wisely.

Whatever you do don’t waste it by doing the dishes, the washing or removing porridge stuck to your child’s forehead.

Try your hardest to ignore any thoughts of what to cook for dinner and DO NOT pick up any toys.

Totally going to leave this here all day and tell the husband I had SUCH a frantic day I hadn’t got around to it yet

A big thanks for the life Jess – I used it to smash level 100!

I totally photo bombed my son during his sleep and lay their for 40 minutes!

I figure that surely one day a week I can do fug all without feeling guilty.

And realistically it’s not as though I’ve done nothing all day.

This is what I’ve done:

1. Fed, dressed and wiped three kids’ bums all before 8am.
2. WALKED to school, at one stage all three were on the stroller as we were late and I had to run – what a sight!
3. Cooked pasta, put spoons in bowls, cut apple and unwrapped lollipops.
4. Opened the back door and encouraged them to go outside – they didn’t want to – even after I told them rain would make them grow strong!
5. Stood in front of fridge and cupboard for five minutes so the boys couldn’t raid it for more lollies.

See I haven’t been completely useless!

And I will TOTALLY tell the Husband I’ve spent all day chasing after kids, tidying up and that the mess was made five minutes before he walked in the door.

Did you have a lazy Friday? Are you capable of doing nothing and not feel guilty?

Finally a blog just for FYBF!!!

Hola Grace, you’re a fabulous host!

This hospital play area for kids looks worse than a prison – Wordless Wednesday

A cage without any toys is considered a play area at the Cairns Base Hospital – WTF?

Cairns Base Hospital – I have to say I felt more than a little sad when I saw there were NO TOYS AT ALL in here.

LINKING with:

The lovely Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka

I faked it ’til I debated it – on stage after a 10-year hiatus!

Minutes before I planned to publicly fake an orgasm on stage I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

Especially since I’m not a great faker to start with!

But I did it – much to the shock of everyone

On Saturday night I was a ‘celebrity’ o-grade speaker for a Women’s Health and Wellbeing Expo Great Debate.

Here’s the gorgeous women I spoke alongside, notice how they are all looking at the one camera – EXCEPT ME! I actually look like I’m photo bombing these glam girls! L to R – Lyn Traill
, Ruth Simons, ME, Petrina Zaphir , Bridget Daley, Chrissy Keepance.
(pic can removed if any of you lovely women want me to – Em)

It’s been at least a decade since I’ve spoken publicly – well except to tell off my three children – and I didn’t know if I could do it.

But I was so excited to be asked by the fantastic event organiser, Jo @ Breeze Events, and felt honoured to be involved in such a great Gold Coast community event.

Here’s proof I did it!

I really hate how the podium looks like an extension of my belly! And no I’m not expecting a 4th! On the far right is Mandy Nolan, stand-up extraordinaire, more about her below.

But being a last minute Larry – I still hadn’t completed my speech 48 hours before the event.

However, to cut myself some slack, on Thursday I dropped sticks to surprise my big sister (in hospital) and honestly didn’t have time to write it beforehand.

I did give it a shot on the way up in the plane!

For some reason what I wrote a little tipsy wasn’t as good as I thought it was – strange that .

So my gorgeous sissy and I spent the day before the debate nutting out my speech.

We spent lots of time laughing – just what she needed.

I had to speak for five minutes on why Nice Girls Come First.

As I said, I opened my speech with an O – I’m sure the audience thought I was imitating a screaming monkey!

I do look a little bit like a very-toothy screaming monkey here!

But I told the audience:

NO – it was just me COMING first! (thankfully the crowd laughed, some clapped – bless their cotton socks).

Then I followed with this:

I know I am not the only nice girl who comes first in the bedroom.

Take well-known, all-round great gal Kate Middleton, wife of Prince William.

I BET SHE TREATS HER WILLY BY COMING FIRST.

I didn’t BANG on about this, and made my point that I thought you could still come first by being a nice girl the majority, but not all, of the time.

Anyway – I had two awesome supporters who laughed at my jokes and made the speech a little easier.

WHOOP WHOOP – thanks girls – without you there I truly couldn’t have done it!

As I took to the stage, my lil’ sis called my older sis (who helped me write my speech) and she heard the debate via phone from her hospital bed.

She text me later saying:

“Well done Ems, I got to hear it and was so proud of you, I was crying.
Take pleasure in knowing you were asked there and have balls to get up on stage.
Oh so proud, now get drinking!”

(and because I always do what I’m told – I did – get drinking that is).

And while the best part of the night was sitting down after my speech (I was the LAST speaker), the main highlight was comedian Mandy Nolan – our MC.

She did a stand-up routine before the debate.

Shit that girl can make me laugh and she had the crowd in stitches – I nearly wet my pants (damn you bubbly and having three kids in three and a half years).

And during her routine before the debate I sneaked out front to listen to her – she’s a hoot!

I stole this from Mandy’s Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/mandynolancomedy

She is someone I admire – she is honest, brutal and hilarious – and without sounding like a groupie, I LOVE HER!

ANYHOE – for embarrassing myself in public – I was given a facial voucher, a lovely drop of red, chocolates, and other goodies.

But what I loved most about the night was that I stepped out of my comfort zone and spoke alongside a great calibre of women.

It was exhilarating and freaky at the same time.

In saying that – I’d do again in a heartbeat.

Would you get up and have pretend to fake an O in front of 100 people? Are you a confident public speaker?

And do you think NICE GIRLS FINISH FIRST?

Go and visit all the other blogs linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess today!

I got a Random Act of Zen when it was needed the most!

Sometimes the universe has a way of sending us what we need.

Right now someone I love dearly is going through a pretty rough ordeal, something no one should have to go through.

I was feeling useless because I can’t be there by her side – then I heard a knock at the door.

And it was a person from lotto telling me I had just won $100,000.

Nah just kidding – it was the parcel lady and she handed me this – well it was in a mail bag but you know what I mean.

I was more than a little excited to get something other than a helicopter part in the mail (my hubby flies them).

Inside was this!

This is a gorgeous, hand-crafted necklace and awesome resin bracelet from Zen designs – http://www.zendesigns.com.au

As well as this!

Now I’m not sure I deserve these amazing treasures – but I know a fragile person who could do with getting a random act of zen right now.

So I will be sending these to a gorgeous soul who deserves a little good news right now.

You can find more about Lisa and view her amazing designs at the below links:

http://www.zendesigns.com.au/

https://www.facebook.com/ZenDesigns

If you believe in karma and that what goes around comes around – then pass on some good karma, or do a random act of kindness.

And if you’re a god person, please say a wee prayer for the amazing person in my life.

Thanks a million – I’ll be sure to do the same.

In fact I think I can see an old, sad, blind, lady in a wheelchair who needs help crossing the road – gotta go

Em

The evil shit-eye made an appearance during my magical Mother’s Day – Wordless Wednesday!

My cute waiter was happy to bring me pancakes in bed!

Then it was out to lunch with my parents and sister – so LOTS of selfies with the kids – I forgot to take off my sunnies but isn’t she CUTE!

I did manage to take them off with my middle baby!

Here is my three with my amazing mumma and their nanny!! Notice No.3 looking like he wants to kill me with his texter – luckily it’s one of those invisible ones!

Here’s a close up of my youngest giving me the evil shit eye!

NO MUM! I don’t need help!

Concentrating going down the hill but LOVING it!

Totally having a ball doing this – over and over and over!

Such a big girl now!

Getting some speed up going down the hill!

Being cheeky with a sanity saver – aka – lollipop at restaurant!

This is my gorgeous mumma and I – after a ‘few’ bubbles!

I hope you all had a Happy Mother’s Day last week – did you get or do anything unusual?

LINKING with:

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

The Breezer! @ Twinkle in the Eye

And the lovely Ai at Sakura Haruka

I’m creating a chocolate pool serviced by half-naked men – a post written using search engine terms

I’m dead set going to make my fortune by operating a chocolate pool because that is how 33 people came across have a laugh on me.

The old couple down the road, the cheeky man in bathtub , and the one with big natural tits would also be welcome.

Topics up for discussion could include why my hubby loves my cleavage, mops and brooms, what I did last week, that sissy at netball, and does motherhood get harder as kids get older.

Obviously very little needs to be worn in the pool full of chocolate, but I ask fans of candy crush to please come in candy crush themed outfit – but not literally.

A half-naked man may or may not be there for a virgo fed up but it’s a sure bet there’ll be some sissies in love there.

I’m sure they’re just talking and not exchanging sweet nothings!
Image source

Those with a saggy boobs birthday wish will be catered for, especially those who know a farmer named bindi in new zealand north island.

I finally got my shit together and asked jack hughman and wife to be VIP’s, but they told me they prefer a bed covered in rose petals over a big chocolate pool – maybe they were worried about a woman accidentally farting.

I originally contemplated fences for kids who are ratbags and get under them, but luckily a naked man doing dishes – aka – the Husband – talked me out of it.

As an aside, my husband awesome dad recently busted me bending over picking up newspaper and thought “wow that’s my woman flashing delivery guy“.

Luckily he didn’t snap me talking to my hunchback masseuse who in the past has admitted that he has boobs bigger than head – I told him I could relate.

Often i laugh when he kisses me but it’s not in a laughing airhostess kinda way it’s more of a dentist laugh at me platonic kind of way.

See, like this sort of face I pull eg “I’m NOT in to you Mr Hunchback masseuse!”

Anyway, back to the chocolate pool, I promise I will remove the long hair on my boobs before I test it.

It might take me 7 years to get my shit together but as long as I can keep the woman farting buttcrack away, would you be keen to visit?

I promise what goes on tour stays on tour and you’ll be saying to yourself thank god i’m fabulous for taking the plunge in the nude!

For those who choose to frequent the pool with chocolate in it, this is the moment to relax and dream about a naked man cleaning dishes and take time to look after your back .

This dude looks like he’s about to “do” the bench! Image source

And don’t worry if you have a wee accident because no one’s going to drive past your house and think you have a bloody useless husband for letting you expose your granny cleavage or allowing you to wee in my pool.

I truly think this is a way I will be able to carve out an identity of myself, it sure beats my idea of creating gangnam pasta, donating blood mantras or doing some pr for little mermaid.

But right now I have to go and do a sneaky poo and find a real good gorilla suit to serenade the hen night.

Am I on a roll with this swimming in chocolate idea? Or do you want to cut me off?

This is for those Goyte fans – especially you Saree!
Image sauce

(All of the words in BOLD are search engine terms people have typed in and found my blog – they make me laugh on a daily basis – I hope you’ve had a wee giggle too!)

Thanks Jess for letting me link for IBOT – I wouldn’t miss it for the world…

Guess who met Richard Branson today?

It wasn’t me – but my younger sister totally did this a few hours ago!!!

One to show the kids for sure wee blisseeeeeee!

She works at Virgin, obviously, and he came for a meet and greet this afternoon.

And there were hundreds of peeps and security around but I’m proud to say that she managed to tap Mr B on the shoulder and ask for a photo.

He said “yes” and the rest is history!

What are the chances of capturing a blink? Not many, if any!

Anyway, I am TOTALLY in awe of her for having the guts, confidence and ability to walk up to one of the world’s most famous men and photobomb ask for a photo with him.

You totally rock sissy – no shit!

Here are some more pics of Mr B crowd chilling with the V gang!

What a dude!

Totally in awe of him, my sissy just HAD to touch his freshly ironed white shirt!

YEP, that is totally his SHOES being worshipped by the crowd as he STAGE DIVED (wee sissy in foreground, love you!)

And just recently my older sister had an AMAZING few days working chilling with the talented actor Russell Crowe!

She said he was extremely smart, thoughtful, clever and very loving and connected to his kids

My older sissy said she could also feel his whiskers on her face – SWOON!

It seems I’m the only sister with no claim to fame – okay I did get the chance to interview NZ’s first female Prime Minister (YAWN) Helen Clark.

She was WAY nicer than the media portrayed her, and I wish she was given more credit for all that she achieved. She really is a pioneer and I think she is proof that women can be or do anything they desire.

Helen Clark – NZ’s first EVER women Prime Minister, who I had the privilege to meet and interview on numerous occasions as a journo back in NZ some 8 years ago.

However, today I’m just super proud, envious, and totally in awe of my wee sissy.

If you want something, go out and grab it, it won’t come to you!