Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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Mums should support not stab other mums

Another day, another shit fight in public.

This morning we got No.1’s Prep uniform, she was super excited and fortunately we are friends and neighbours with the P&C President (some of you will know the benefits of this) so could hang out back.

To amuse No.2 I gave him my phone and he played some dinosaur game but then got the shits with it and threw on the ground and gave it a little kick for good measure.

Of course I took it off him, despite his protests, which lasted for 15 minutes!

“I want my dinosaurrrrr gggaaammme” – he said this over and over and over, tearing streaming down his face.

We then had to visit the reception to book an appointment and he was still howling, much to the disgust of the other mother waiting.

The bitch must have perfect kids the way she was looking at me in disgust at the show my kids were putting on.

I explained very loudly why he couldn’t have the dinosaur game so everyone knew there was a good reason I was torturing my child.

We left the office and out into the school grounds, past dozens more disapproving eyes and made it to the car!

It got me thinking about why other mothers can’t just ignore other mums and kids when they’re having a meltdown?

I don’t even bat an eyelid when I hear a child, shout or throw themselves on the floor behind me at the supermarket – out of respect for the poor mother who has to deal with said child.

You can understand why old people give you the evil shit eye, because they’re old, cantankerious and probably haven’t had sex in years so are very uptight.

Also probably because back in their day if a child had acted that way they wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after arse smacking they got for such rude behaviour.

But surely mums can band together and pretend to ignore other mum’s kids when they’re being little turds.

I make a point of it, if I catch their eye, or they mumble embarassingly, I tell them that their kids are practically angels compared to my horrors, just to make the poor bugger feel slightly better.

So come on mums, don’t stick the knife in, stick together!!

 

My virgin link up with Flo Yo Blog Friday



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I have a lot to be thankful for this Thursday

So every Thursday I have to write about what I’m thankful for because I know sometimes I can lose sight of all that is awesome in my life.

I suppose I don’t have to, but I’ve realised that most mummy blogs are dripping in love, happiness and thankfulness, so I thought I’d better do at least one post like this a week.

It might also be the much-needed slap in the face I need to suck it up princess and stop moaning – just for one day!!!

  • Today I’m thankful it’s Thursday! Why? Because it means it’s nearly Friday and my older sister is visiting and that’s going to make my three children, and me, SUPER happy!
  • I’m thankful to have friends, admittedly less than I probably think, who put up with me and understand although I moan like a bastard I still love my kids and life dearly.
  • I’m thankful to have a husband that works his butt off and very rarely complains about it.
  • I’m thankful my gorgeous three-year-old is now letting me SHOWER him with kisses and cuddles, he even sneaked into my bed this morning for some extra affection!
  • I’m thankful to my mumma who comes down and puts up with me and helps with my three monkeys, despite the fact she hardly ever sleeps, and has chronic foot pain and never moans about it.

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(there she is with No.1 – what a star, I’m SOOO lucky to have her)

  • I’m thankful that I’m healthy, my kids are healthy and that I love my husband so much that I feel sad if I don’t hear his voice at least once a day.
  • I’m thankful I don’t have to work until 10pm again tonight and that my work is nearly over for the week – sorta, kinda, does ever really end for someone who works from home?
  • I’m thankful my busy lil’ sis left me a nice catch up message today, and although our lives are so hectic we can pick up where we left off.

So what are you thankful for?

If I knew how to link up to Thankful Thursday I would – anyone help me here?


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Look what lunacy happens when you get drunk with a former model!

For those of you who are just getting to know me, you’ll come to learn I have no qualms about having a few drinks and having a laugh at my own expense!

We recently went camping by the beach with two other couples and their kidlets, well it was more like glamping as we had cabins.

Happy hour started whenever we felt like it, I think the mojitos started about 2pm and we didn’t stop.

Okay so I didn’t stop, my more sensible camping mates did because they know how to ”say when” – I know how to say ”more please”.

I am known for being a bit of a ”taking it too far toxy”, and so my drinking didn’t stop until everyone in the campsite was fast asleep.

However, before everyone was tucked up in bed for the night, my friend, and former model, thought it would be funny to get me to pose on the beach.

It all started when she took a random shot (see below) of myself and my beautiful daughter, I was flicking my hair out of my face because it was windy.

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We were pissing ourselves because I was truly looked like I was posing my ass off, but I wasn’t.

The posing was yet to come.

By this time of the night I’d had a few and so would’ve agreed to anything! Even sex on the beach (okay okay we tried it but the wind was too annoying).

Anyway I digress, as usual, but we sent the kids up to bed and my hilarious friend showed and explained the poses I had to make to try and look sultry.

You be the judge – but I don’t think I really pulled it off.

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This is a seriously freaky shot right?

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By this stage I was giggling uncontrollably – and trying really hard not to piss myself! 

Check out that awesome tricep though (my left, your right) disguising itself as a tuck-shop arm.

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I’d almost given up on my modelling career by this stage – as you can tell – but shit it was hilarious.

However we persevered, had a few more drinks and came up with this?

Or maybe she took this earlier and we thought we could perfect it – who the hell knows, I was totally chopped by this stage!

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I look like Zoolander here and haven’t quite pulled off the model shot but for me, it was HOT!

Probably the closest I’ll ever get to being a model (plus-size of course).

It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever done and I’m so grateful to my friend for the laughs!

As for the rest of camping it was gorgeous, and so were the people I went with.

I hope you enjoy having a laugh at my expense because I loved every second of my modelling shoot.


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My three-year-old is denying me kisses already!

So my gorgeous, nearly three-year-old, has banned me from kissing him!

It used to be just because he hated my ”stinky breath” in the morning.

In fact he often insists I go brush my teeth at 5am in the morning so we can continue our morning snuggle.

I oblige because he’s quite insistent and SOOO snuggly in the morning.

Then he didn’t want kisses because they were ”too sloppy” – eg I didn’t have my mouth firmly closed so I inadvertently allowed the slight moisture on my lips to come in contact with him.

A kiss of this variety caused all sorts of face wiping, yukking and cranky behaviour.

It’s not as long I was slobbering over the poor child like a eager puppy just cute fish kisses.

But then last night at bedtime when I went to smoother him in more kisses he said ”no kisses”.

I asked him why and he said I had ”tuna breath” – no way that is possible because I had tuna for lunch not dinner.

Surely the fishy smell can’t hang around for that long?

Much to his disgust I kissed him all over anyhow – surely he can’t deny me this pleasure at the tender age of three?

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(nothing like a poorly centred selfie!)

I feel sorry for whoever marries him, she, or he (you’ve got to keep an open mind these days) will have to be a top-notch kisser to even get a look in!

Maybe he’s just going to be a cuddler (not a word) and again, I feel sorry for whoever he shacks up with.

Because really nothing beats a good old-fashioned pash right?

I mean it’s how most of us fell in love with our significant others in the first place.

If you haven’t got the odd occasion raunchy kiss in your life then, well, I think that’s a bit sad.

Back to No.2 child though, don’t get me wrong I’m not overstepping the mark in regards to our nightly kisses.

But I do wonder why he no longer wants kisses.

Perhaps I have to resort to carrying Listerine in my pocket, or chewing gum?

I have finally figured how to link up with Essentially Jess for I Blog On Tuesdays – so check her out.


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I’m glad I don’t have to wee in public like men

Why should men have to wee in public?

I know this is a weird subject but I heard a conversation on the radio today and it struck a cord with me.

The subject was urinals and the etiquette surrounding them, eg not looking at other men’s peckers, not getting too close, not making eye contact etc, and it dawned on me that I reckon I’d be pissed if I had to always pee in public.

I mean for efficiency reasons I can see the benefits of providing a wall to wee against, a quick shake and then being able to leave. (Because we all know that most men don’t wash their hands after weeing, but don’t even get me started on that).

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And I suppose they could use the toilet with a door but I presume that’s really there for those in desperate need of going to dump city.

But what about those who don’t like getting their old fella out in public and weeing? What if my boys are like that?

I suppose I just think it’s a bit unfair for blokes who’d prefer to do their business in private, or maybe there’s not many that care about that?

In saying that I suppose I should praise the mighty urinal because it does free up the toilets with doors for me when I sneak into the blokes bogs at music festivals to save waiting in line for 30 minutes on the girl’s side.

I wonder if teenagers and young boys actually have to psych themselves up for getting out their willy to wee in public for the first time?

Maybe it’s a bit like going to a public toilet and trying REALLY hard not to make any noise while doing our business – silly but I reckon we’ve all done it.

I promise this will be the last of my toilet posts for awhile, I blame my kids for making me think more about the subject than I’d really like to.


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Nothing like a shit show to start a Monday!

Why is it that whenever you REALLY need to get something done by a certain time everything turns to shit?

This was the case for me this morning – literally.

I was frantically trying to smash out some work on the computer so I let the kids run free range, first mistake.

Most mums know they’re in for a big clean up if they leave their pre-schoolers to their own devices for a reasonable amount of time.

But when I heard No.2 scream I knew something was up – it wasn’t really a pain cry, more of a scared one.

I ran down the hallway to find a nude toddler dripping wet in something (which I later realised was wee).

(Just as an aside there must be something seriously wrong with my search engine – because this is a photo that came up under the search – toddler dripping wet!)

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Seriously WTF – but hey who am I to complain, so I thought I’d post it anyhow, mmm David.

I mean this is probably something us mums need to look at, sort of like therapy, after having to spend a large part of our day cleaning up shit!

So anyway back to the shit show.

I arrived in the toilet to find No.3 skidding around on the floor amongst wee and poo, I mean he was covered in the stuff.

Meanwhile No.2 was shrieking in fear because he was also wearing nothing but turds and whey.

I think what happened was my newly toilet trained boy had accidentally done a wee on the floor in the toilet, but then managed to do a No.2 in the appropriate place.

However, upon leaving the throne to wipe his butt he skidded in his whiz and fell hard into a pile of wee and poo. NOICE.

It was then the ever inquisitive No.3 arrived on the scene to inspect what was going on.

Immediately he tripped up and was also covered in whiz and poo but didn’t seem worried, probably because he’s used to playing in toilet bowls.

Not that I let him, but he seems to sense whenever a toilet door is left open, and races in there with anything that resembles a stick to stir the water.

If there’s nothing nearby he’ll use his hands – yip he’s one of those boys – a shit stirrer you might say.

But hey it’s nothing a shower and a strong coffee couldn’t fix, because it was too early for a wine and definitely not 5 o’clock somewhere.

I put it down to being ”just another Manic Monday – whoa whoa – wish it were a Sunday – whoa whoa” (man I used to love the Bangles).

The week can only get better right?