Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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I used to sell rubbers, happy endings and pack apples!

Don’t you hate those pushy, annoying sales people who are SUPER annoying friendly??

I used to be one of them :(.

It wasn’t by choice, I worked at a sunglass shop during my university holidays and my boss was a dip shit!

She thought the more that I haggled her customers the more they would buy her sunglasses.

But with some worth $300 a pop – it was not as easy as she thought – and this was back in 1997!

This is me during my first year of uni - with my $350 RR Oakley - sunglasses! Got them dirt cheap though! Also notice the beer poster on my wall - all class peeps all class!

This is me during my first year of uni – with my $350 RR Oakley – sunglasses! Got them dirt cheap though! Also notice the beer poster on my wall – all class peeps all class!


Everyone that walked in the door I had to speak to, annoy and almost BEG for a sale – it was cringe worthy!

In saying that I used to get great specs at cost + GST – which is DIRT CHEAP.

Just so you know, the mark-up on sunnies is about 300 per cent!

One place I never had to beg for customers was the cinema – a job that I got paid $4.20 an hour for when I was 16.

This could be me, except my teeth aren't that white!

This could be me, except my teeth aren’t that white!

The perks were free movies every week, all the popcorn I could stomach, and spying on EVERYONE who came to the movies!

However, I did have to wear a bow tie, a waistcoat and stockings…

But I did enjoy earning money to put petrol in my 1977 Ford Escort!

This was my first car (except it was granny, pale blue - how cool is it?) My parents gave it to me - I know right, they are amazing!

This was my first car (except it was granny, pale blue – how cool is it?) My parents gave it to me – I know right, they are amazing!


I also had another job when I was a high school/uni – it was at a family friend’s orchard (in NZ).

I used to thin apples – a BORING job of taking apples off a vine so more can grow bigger.

Kind of like natural selection but not really because we selected the apples that went :(.

When I was thinning apples I had a Discman... and it sucked when it fell off from one of these high ladders!!!

When I was thinning apples I had a Discman… and it sucked when it fell off from one of these high ladders!!!


I had another orchard-type job in my final year of high school – PACKING APPLES for export!

Talk about BAT-SHIT BORING – but I made money to get booze freedom!

I used to board with a vision impaired 80-year-old in my last year of high school, and to escape I worked at an apple packing place a bit like this!

I used to private board with a vision impaired 80-year-old in my last year of high school, and to escape her at nights, I used to work at an apple packing place a bit like this! Image source

One of my favourite jobs was working at Para Rubber (The NZ version of Clark Rubber) while I studied at uni.

The only downside was that I worked EVERY Saturday and Sunday.

For those who have been to uni – you will know this took some commitment because I used to party every week from Thursday to Sunday like it was 1999 (even though it was only 1997).

I used to get over by a big feast of Burger King (as it was known in NZ in 1998)

I used to get over my hangover by a big feast of Burger King (as it was known in NZ in 1998) Image source

My boss was amazing, as were my colleagues, one in her 50s, and they used to re-live their lives through me!

In fact their eyes would dance listening to my weekly dramas updates!

At Para I also worked with a trainee-doctor – sadly he and his father died tragically in a yachting accident about 10 years ago – but that’s a whole other blog post.

BUT if you wanna know about foam, o-rings, pool chemicals, gumboots, washers, rain coats, spa pools – then I’m your girl!

I was very excited when I entered search engine terms and this came up - this is the EXACT shop front, in Palmerston North, NZ, that I used to work at - owned by Paul!

I was very excited when I entered search engine terms and this came up – this is the EXACT shop front, in Palmerston North, NZ, that I used to work at – owned by Paul and Sheree!

From a young age I have always worked.

In fact – at just eight-years-old I used to crack walnuts and collect pine cones for my parents just to make a buck!

I want my children to learn that you have to work hard to get what you want in life – things just don’t magically appear.

What do you do to teach your children the value of hard work/money? What did you spend your $4.20 an hour on?

WHOOP WHOOP – here’s to me finally hanging at the “Lounge” – this week it’s being hosted by Kim at Falling Face First

And of course – thanks to the lovely Grace at With Some Grace – I am also flogging my blog


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Now you see it – now you don’t – Wordless Wednesday!

LOVING being able to play with Vegemite!

LOVING being able to play with Vegemite!

Cracking the shits when I take it away - a great party trick me thinks!

Cracking the shits when I take it away because breakfast is over – a great party trick me thinks!

Lucky I don’t have audio of my screecher feature in action – it was LOUD!

On this Wordless Wednesday I’m linking with:

The lovely Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


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Why we blurt out stuff no one gives a flying fug about!

As far as over sharing goes I take the gong – those who know me personally will be nodding right about now.

I have a compulsion to blurt out all sorts of stuff no one really gives a flying fug about!

Take a visit to my hairdresser last week:

Are you impressed with how I managed to take this so NO ONE could tell - look at that concentration on my face!

Are you impressed with how I managed to take this so NO ONE could tell – man it’s not til I see this photo that my mum was right – I TOTALLY needed a mop chop!

Mildred (not real name) has been ‘doing’ me for five years and commented that I had lost weight (I haven’t – I was dressed in black from head to toe).

To which I replied: “Actually I’ve just eaten a massive lunch, I’ve got PMS and my stomach is huge I look like I’m expecting a fourth child”!

She was just lucky I didn’t grab a chunk of my love handle and show her what I meant – something I often do around my nearest and dearest.

fafd

I then proceeded to apologise for my “milk breathe” because I had just drunken an iced coffee – WTF – who cares right?

But that’s how I roll, like a train wreck down a hill.

No-one is safe, especially those who can’t walk away from me – eg check-out dragons chicks.

Most regret asking their polite “how has your day been?”.

This image has no relevance to this post but it's bloody funny!

This image has no relevance to this post but it’s bloody funny!

This week I’m heading to my first ever bloggy meet up where I’ll meet lots of awesome women – including Janet (organiser) from Redland City Living and Lisa from Random Acts of Zen (sorry not sure who else).

They will totally get to see me in action, but I’m determined to wash my locks so I won’t have to make an excuse for why it looks like a grease trap!

If you had meet me on this day I would have pointed out the volcano on my chin and then patted my head and explained I had just had a massage hence the wet-looking hair

If you had meet me on this day I would have pointed out the volcano on my chin and then patted my head and explained I had just had a massage hence the greasy hair.

In saying that, as soon as I think someone is staring at my face for more than five seconds I will make some comment about how I need my eyebrows waxed, better face cream and a nose job.

As if anyone would have noticed my ‘flaws’ unless I had pointed it out.

It’s funny because I’m sure no one gives a left boob how I look – but guaranteed as soon as I point it out – someone will search for the spew on my shoulder!

What I think my eyebrows look like! Image source www.tumblr.com

What I think my eyebrows look like! Image source



I know most bloggers are over-sharers – but are you like me and point out stuff before someone else can pick up on it? Why oh why do we do it?

Have a great week peeps – I’ve got mum visiting this week to help me me de-feralclutter my house – should be a nightmarefun!

Thanks to the lovely Jess @ Essentially Jess for the IBOT link.


74 Comments

Have you tried having a Fug All Friday recently?

Oh how I miss being lazy!

Kids are just such high maintenance – “I want lunch”, “wipe my bum”, “unhook me from the washing line”, “let me in the house – it’s raining”.

Today my boys asked for macaroni for lunch, well the one that could speak did.

He was quite upset when I gave him a bowl of pasta, without cheese sauce.

I tried to explain it was Fug All Friday – he didn’t get it – strange that.

This is what happens when you don't give your children attention, they start WWF-ing each other!

This is what happens when you don’t give your children attention, they start WWF-ing each other!

I wish someone would invent a kids feeding system like they have for cats, where they tap a container and food rolls out the bottom.

Even a toddler-sized cat flap would be handy – especially one with a lock 😉

I find Fridays extremely annoying after a long week, I just want to do diddly squat but kids make that impossible.

A few months ago I wrote about my F*%K All Friday policy – where I do nothing all day (it explains the rules and ’tis quite amusing).

It’s kinda hard to let go – but with practise you too can transform your Friday into a day of sloth.

Start with letting the kids do whatever they want!

Riding a roll of wrapping paper as a horse

Riding a roll of wrapping paper as a horse

This frees you up to do useless shit such as playing on your phone, blogging, and taking lots of selfies with your kids.

Usually they’re keen to oblige as are high on the bucket loads of sugar you gave them to keep them away from you for five minutes.

Look at his eyes - he's totally thinking - "I'm going to snap her neck in half unless she feeds me more JUICE!"

Look at his eyes – he’s totally thinking – “I’m going to snap her neck in half unless she feeds me more lollies!”

Geez, what a stunning photo that is of me!

Geez, what a stunning photo that is of me!

If you’ve succeeded in hiding from the ferals wee darlings for 10 minutes (usually by locking yourself in the toilet) – use this time wisely.

Whatever you do don’t waste it by doing the dishes, the washing or removing porridge stuck to your child’s forehead.

Try your hardest to ignore any thoughts of what to cook for dinner and DO NOT pick up any toys.

Totally going to leave this here all day and tell the husband I had SUCH a frantic day I hadn't got around to it yet

Totally going to leave this here all day and tell the husband I had SUCH a frantic day I hadn’t got around to it yet

A big thanks for the life Jess - I used it to smash level 100!

A big thanks for the life Jess – I used it to smash level 100!

I totally photo bombed my son during his sleep and lay their for 40 minutes!

I totally photo bombed my son during his sleep and lay their for 40 minutes!

I figure that surely one day a week I can do fug all without feeling guilty.

And realistically it’s not as though I’ve done nothing all day.

This is what I’ve done:

1. Fed, dressed and wiped three kids’ bums all before 8am.
2. WALKED to school, at one stage all three were on the stroller as we were late and I had to run – what a sight!
3. Cooked pasta, put spoons in bowls, cut apple and unwrapped lollipops.
4. Opened the back door and encouraged them to go outside – they didn’t want to – even after I told them rain would make them grow strong!
5. Stood in front of fridge and cupboard for five minutes so the boys couldn’t raid it for more lollies.

See I haven’t been completely useless!

And I will TOTALLY tell the Husband I’ve spent all day chasing after kids, tidying up and that the mess was made five minutes before he walked in the door.

Did you have a lazy Friday? Are you capable of doing nothing and not feel guilty?

Finally a blog just for FYBF!!!

Hola Grace, you’re a fabulous host!



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This hospital play area for kids looks worse than a prison – Wordless Wednesday

A cage without any toys is considered a play area at the Cairns Base Hospital – WTF?

I have to say I felt more than a little sad when I saw there were NO TOYS AT ALL in here.

Cairns Base Hospital – I have to say I felt more than a little sad when I saw there were NO TOYS AT ALL in here.

hsopp

LINKING with:

The lovely Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


66 Comments

I faked it ’til I debated it – on stage after a 10-year hiatus!

Minutes before I planned to publicly fake an orgasm on stage I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

Especially since I’m not a great faker to start with!

But I did it – much to the shock of everyone 🙂

On Saturday night I was a ‘celebrity’ o-grade speaker for a Women’s Health and Wellbeing Expo Great Debate.

Here's the gorgeous women I spoke alongside, notice how they are all looking at the one camera - EXCEPT ME! I actually look like an usher amongst all the glam girls! L to R - Lyn Traill , Ruth Simons, ME, Petrina Zaphir , Bridget Daley,  Chrissy Keepance. (pic can removed if any of you AWESOME/NICE women want me to - Em)

Here’s the gorgeous women I spoke alongside, notice how they are all looking at the one camera – EXCEPT ME! I actually look like I’m photo bombing these glam girls! L to R – Lyn Traill
, Ruth Simons, ME, Petrina Zaphir , Bridget Daley, Chrissy Keepance.
(pic can removed if any of you lovely women want me to – Em)

It’s been at least a decade since I’ve spoken publicly – well except to tell off my three children – and I didn’t know if I could do it.

But I was so excited to be asked by the fantastic event organiser, Jo @ Breeze Events, and felt honoured to be involved in such a great Gold Coast community event.

Here’s proof I did it!

I really hate how the podium looks like an extension of my belly! And no I'm not expecting a 4th!

I really hate how the podium looks like an extension of my belly! And no I’m not expecting a 4th! On the far right is Mandy Nolan, stand-up extraordinaire, more about her below.

But being a last minute Larry – I still hadn’t completed my speech 48 hours before the event.

However, to cut myself some slack, on Thursday I dropped sticks to surprise my big sister (in hospital) and honestly didn’t have time to write it beforehand.

I did give it a shot on the way up in the plane!

btge1

dbtae

For some reason what I wrote a little tipsy wasn’t as good as I thought it was – strange that ;).

So my gorgeous sissy and I spent the day before the debate nutting out my speech.

We spent lots of time laughing – just what she needed.

I had to speak for five minutes on why Nice Girls Come First.

As I said, I opened my speech with an O – I’m sure the audience thought I was imitating a screaming monkey!

I do look a little bit like a screaming monkey here!

I do look a little bit like a very-toothy screaming monkey here!

But I told the audience:

NO – it was just me COMING first! (thankfully the crowd laughed, some clapped – bless their cotton socks).

Then I followed with this:

I know I am not the only nice girl who comes first in the bedroom.

Take well-known, all-round great gal Kate Middleton, wife of Prince William.

I BET SHE TREATS HER WILLY BY COMING FIRST.

I didn’t BANG on about this, and made my point that I thought you could still come first by being a nice girl the majority, but not all, of the time.

Anyway – I had two awesome supporters who laughed at my jokes and made the speech a little easier.

WHOOP WHOOP - thanks girls - without you there I truly couldn't have done it!

WHOOP WHOOP – thanks girls – without you there I truly couldn’t have done it!

As I took to the stage, my lil’ sis called my older sis (who helped me write my speech) and she heard the debate via phone from her hospital bed.

She text me later saying:

“Well done Ems, I got to hear it and was so proud of you, I was crying.
Take pleasure in knowing you were asked there and have balls to get up on stage.
Oh so proud, now get drinking!”

(and because I always do what I’m told – I did – get drinking that is).

And while the best part of the night was sitting down after my speech (I was the LAST speaker), the main highlight was comedian Mandy Nolan – our MC.

She did a stand-up routine before the debate.

Shit that girl can make me laugh and she had the crowd in stitches – I nearly wet my pants (damn you bubbly and having three kids in three and a half years).

And during her routine before the debate I sneaked out front to listen to her – she’s a hoot!

I stole this from Mandy's Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/mandynolancomedy

I stole this from Mandy’s Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/mandynolancomedy

She is someone I admire – she is honest, brutal and hilarious – and without sounding like a groupie, I LOVE HER!

ANYHOE – for embarrassing myself in public – I was given a facial voucher, a lovely drop of red, chocolates, and other goodies.

But what I loved most about the night was that I stepped out of my comfort zone and spoke alongside a great calibre of women.

It was exhilarating and freaky at the same time.

In saying that – I’d do again in a heartbeat.

Would you get up and have pretend to fake an O in front of 100 people? Are you a confident public speaker?

And do you think NICE GIRLS FINISH FIRST?

Go and visit all the other blogs linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess today!


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I got a Random Act of Zen when it was needed the most!

Sometimes the universe has a way of sending us what we need.

Right now someone I love dearly is going through a pretty rough ordeal, something no one should have to go through.

I was feeling useless because I can’t be there by her side – then I heard a knock at the door.

And it was a person from lotto telling me I had just won $100,000.

Nah just kidding – it was the parcel lady and she handed me this – well it was in a mail bag but you know what I mean.

I was more than a little excited to give something other than a helicopter part in the mail (my hubby flies them)

I was more than a little excited to get something other than a helicopter part in the mail (my hubby flies them).

Inside was this!

This is a gorgeous, hand-crafted necklace and awesome resin bracelet from Zen designs - http://www.zendesigns.com.au

This is a gorgeous, hand-crafted necklace and awesome resin bracelet from Zen designs – http://www.zendesigns.com.au

As well as this!

zeni

Now I’m not sure I deserve these amazing treasures – but I know a fragile person who could do with getting a random act of zen right now.

So I will be sending these to a gorgeous soul who deserves a little good news right now.

You can find more about Lisa and view her amazing designs at the below links:

http://www.zendesigns.com.au/

https://www.facebook.com/ZenDesigns

If you believe in karma and that what goes around comes around – then pass on some good karma, or do a random act of kindness.

And if you’re a god person, please say a wee prayer for the amazing person in my life.

Thanks a million – I’ll be sure to do the same.

In fact I think I can see an old, sad, blind, lady in a wheelchair who needs help crossing the road – gotta go 😉

Em