I’m dead set going to make my fortune by operating a chocolate pool because that is how 33 people came across have a laugh on me.
The old couple down the road, the cheeky man in bathtub , and the one with big natural tits would also be welcome.
Topics up for discussion could include why my hubby loves my cleavage, mops and brooms, what I did last week, that sissy at netball, and does motherhood get harder as kids get older.
Obviously very little needs to be worn in the pool full of chocolate, but I ask fans of candy crush to please come in candy crush themed outfit – but not literally.
A half-naked man may or may not be there for a virgo fed up but it’s a sure bet there’ll be some sissies in love there.

I’m sure they’re just talking and not exchanging sweet nothings!
Image source
Those with a saggy boobs birthday wish will be catered for, especially those who know a farmer named bindi in new zealand north island.
I finally got my shit together and asked jack hughman and wife to be VIP’s, but they told me they prefer a bed covered in rose petals over a big chocolate pool – maybe they were worried about a woman accidentally farting.
I originally contemplated fences for kids who are ratbags and get under them, but luckily a naked man doing dishes – aka – the Husband – talked me out of it.
As an aside, my husband awesome dad recently busted me bending over picking up newspaper and thought “wow that’s my woman flashing delivery guy“.
Luckily he didn’t snap me talking to my hunchback masseuse who in the past has admitted that he has boobs bigger than head – I told him I could relate.
Often i laugh when he kisses me but it’s not in a laughing airhostess kinda way it’s more of a dentist laugh at me platonic kind of way.
Anyway, back to the chocolate pool, I promise I will remove the long hair on my boobs before I test it.
It might take me 7 years to get my shit together but as long as I can keep the woman farting buttcrack away, would you be keen to visit?
I promise what goes on tour stays on tour and you’ll be saying to yourself thank god i’m fabulous for taking the plunge in the nude!
For those who choose to frequent the pool with chocolate in it, this is the moment to relax and dream about a naked man cleaning dishes and take time to look after your back .

This dude looks like he’s about to “do” the bench! Image source
And don’t worry if you have a wee accident because no one’s going to drive past your house and think you have a bloody useless husband for letting you expose your granny cleavage or allowing you to wee in my pool.
I truly think this is a way I will be able to carve out an identity of myself, it sure beats my idea of creating gangnam pasta, donating blood mantras or doing some pr for little mermaid.
But right now I have to go and do a sneaky poo and find a real good gorilla suit to serenade the hen night.
Am I on a roll with this swimming in chocolate idea? Or do you want to cut me off?

This is for those Goyte fans – especially you Saree!
Image sauce
(All of the words in BOLD are search engine terms people have typed in and found my blog – they make me laugh on a daily basis – I hope you’ve had a wee giggle too!)
Thanks Jess for letting me link for IBOT – I wouldn’t miss it for the world…
May 14, 2013 at 7:05 am
Oh this is classic! Love it! What a way to start the day – thank you!
May 14, 2013 at 9:23 pm
Thanks Jodi, I appreciate it, esp from you! Em x
May 14, 2013 at 7:23 am
Brilliant, Emily you crack me up!
May 14, 2013 at 9:24 pm
I have to say I found it funny to write but maybe that was just me! Thanks, Em x
May 14, 2013 at 8:48 am
LMAO Pure Gold! I have laughing tears!
“But right now I have to go and do a sneaky poo and find a real good gorilla suit to serenade the hen night.” *shakes head* lol
Happy iBOT Em!
MC x
#teamIBOT
May 14, 2013 at 9:26 pm
Totally love your visit, despite the fact you ‘have’ to – but as long as you were amused I’m happy. x
May 14, 2013 at 9:17 am
Where did you find that bloke and how did you convince him to nude up in your kitchen? Teach me your wisdom Master!
May 14, 2013 at 9:27 pm
I paid him $50 he got to roll my dough and use his shapes – easy peasy A xxx
May 14, 2013 at 9:25 am
Great idea for a post and you’ve really made me laugh with it. Clearly these Google searchers really need you, keep up the good work!
May 14, 2013 at 9:28 pm
I do hope I made you laugh S – I hope you’re enjoying the ‘rubber hubby’ – boo- Em xxx
May 14, 2013 at 9:30 am
Clearly your readership is more concerned with “boobs” than the “chocolate pool”. Meanwhile last night I got “Chris Evans underwear” – that was either you or Babbling Bandit. I also got “gay men” and “80s beefcake” but refreshingly no mention of “Jon Hamm’s crotch”.
Keep up the good work.
May 14, 2013 at 9:32 pm
Thanks for saying so B – keep up the crumpets – you can do it!!! I like mine with butter and vegemite! Em xx
May 14, 2013 at 9:52 am
I had 20 people in German come across my blog on the same day, and I’m sure they were slightly disappointed – yes I was talking super large body distorting implants, but no pictures…Hope you get a tonne of new followers today!
May 14, 2013 at 9:33 pm
That is quite funny L, and to see what they were searching for! Can I just say thanks for always being there and following and commenting! Em xx
May 14, 2013 at 10:12 am
How funny !!!!!
Have the best day.
Me
May 14, 2013 at 9:34 pm
I appreciate you reading this L – Em x
May 14, 2013 at 10:29 am
So funny đŸ™‚ Yes I am seeing a theme with the chocolate references lol. I had ‘mature women write about ejaculation’, which I was concerned about…then realised it probably related to a post I wrote about my husband’s vasectomy ha ha.
May 14, 2013 at 9:34 pm
Hee hee that’s kinda funny I have to say! xx
May 14, 2013 at 10:47 pm
Hee hee, that is so silly! x
May 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm
Great post Em, you’re a clever writer đŸ™‚ The strangest one I have had is ‘Hen slathering’, I think they would have been disappointed!
May 14, 2013 at 9:36 pm
You have no idea how much you made my day by saying this – I know I’m not the classic blogger, but I do try to do what my header says! So thanks A – I appreciate the vote of confidence because sometimes I wonder if I should be here.
And I would be a bit worried about seeing a hen slathering! – Em xxx
May 14, 2013 at 1:11 pm
This is great! One of my disturbing ones is “Make a 1D sentence”. Argh! Clearly I need to wean the boys from their One Direction obsession!
May 14, 2013 at 9:38 pm
Classic! At least One Direction are still PG – thanks for visit S xx
May 14, 2013 at 1:32 pm
I love it when you do a google search post. Cracks me up every time.
Becc @ Take Charge Now
May 14, 2013 at 9:39 pm
Glad to hear it Becc! Have a great week ! Em xx
May 14, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Em. these are hilarious! My most interesting one so far is “sometimes i act very naive just to see how other people will treat knee” huh???
BTW, I like the look of your maid, he seems to wear his apron very well! xx
May 14, 2013 at 9:41 pm
Hilarious L – I am often naive but who would be that on purpose?! Thanks for being you xx
May 14, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Oh this is just too funny! Thanks for the giggles
May 14, 2013 at 9:41 pm
I really hope you did get a giggle Rhi?! xx
May 14, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Hilarious! I never get these kind of searches on my blog sadly! I seem to get “mother son quotes” and “mother daughter quotes” on a daily basis! Love your work Em xx
May 14, 2013 at 9:42 pm
I have to say Deb that some aren’t worth seeing – BUT – thanks for your lovely comment! Em
May 14, 2013 at 7:57 pm
Hilarious!
May 14, 2013 at 9:43 pm
Thanks soon to be mum of three like me – eg TWO BOYS and ONE GIRL!!! Em x
May 14, 2013 at 8:28 pm
Best. Post. Ever.
I love the randomness of the internet sometimes đŸ™‚
May 14, 2013 at 9:44 pm
It’s so silly right? Not just my post, but the internet! I appreciate your visit J xx Em xx
May 14, 2013 at 8:42 pm
OMG are you serious?!
I finally had my first funny-ish search term last week: without panties wardrobe malfunction!!!! What the!!!
May 14, 2013 at 9:45 pm
Welcome to my world J – isn’t it hilarious! Em xxx
May 14, 2013 at 8:58 pm
How hilarious. D u mind if I borrow some of those terms, I need a few more hits đŸ™‚
May 14, 2013 at 9:45 pm
Kimmy, you can’t need more hits, you rock!!!
May 14, 2013 at 9:00 pm
Friggin hilarious.
May 14, 2013 at 9:47 pm
Thanks Sal – please share some of those horridable terms you have! Em x
May 14, 2013 at 9:06 pm
LMAO at this and the other examples in the comments. my funniest is “take me on the kitchen counters” – they were disappointed when they got my Howards storage world kitchen counter post i bet!! deb xx
May 14, 2013 at 9:48 pm
But everyone LOVES a trier! xx Em
May 14, 2013 at 9:41 pm
I think I’ve just wet my pants!! GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 14, 2013 at 9:50 pm
I bloody hope so ROBO – because I totally thought I had BOMBED with my search engine terms this time!
P.S I have spare knickers if needs (just pretend and say yes – hee hee – sleep well!
Em xx
July 25, 2013 at 8:50 pm
It’s still a cracker! I love this post!
July 25, 2013 at 10:09 pm
Bless, thanks Robo for commenting again đŸ™‚ xxx
May 14, 2013 at 9:52 pm
So. Hilarious. Seriously. The Internet! It is so crazy!
May 14, 2013 at 10:44 pm
It’s a crazy tool – but not as crazy as the mo fos who use it! cx
May 14, 2013 at 9:56 pm
Too funny! One of the best posts I have ever read – also impressed you could find pictures of a chocolate pool!
May 14, 2013 at 10:43 pm
Even today I got a chocolate pool search, truly K, there HAS to be a market there and maybe I’ll find it! X
May 15, 2013 at 7:46 am
You are too funny!! Loved this!!
May 15, 2013 at 1:43 pm
Thanks for compliment Ann – Em x
May 15, 2013 at 9:14 am
Thanks for the laugh Em, hilarious! What a great idea. I’ll be sure to let you know if I copy it đŸ˜‰
xx
May 15, 2013 at 1:44 pm
They say imitation is the highest form of flattery so work away girl đŸ™‚ xx
May 15, 2013 at 1:19 pm
You win the most hilarious SEO post ever.
May 15, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Em – just getting round to reading you this week and this is a cracker (possibly part of one of your search terms)! Funny thing is, it sort of almost makes sense in a funny peculiar kind of way. So funny ha ha, and funny peculiar…a good laugh.
May 15, 2013 at 2:55 pm
Bahaha! Clever! Oh so very clever! đŸ™‚
May 15, 2013 at 5:29 pm
That is hilarious Em! So imaginative too – to put all those ‘search words’ into a story! LOL I’ve had some on my blog that are a little more than bizare too! đŸ˜‰ Min xo
May 20, 2013 at 8:44 am
This is hilarious Emily! Can’t stop laughing! My search engine terms are really boring!
May 20, 2013 at 8:02 pm
Love, love, love it! It’s a favourite for May. Do you know what that means? đŸ˜‰
May 20, 2013 at 8:04 pm
Bugger, just tried to add it and my linky thing doesn’t allow a url more than 100 characters. But it’s a fave in spirit!
July 25, 2013 at 9:28 pm
How funny and bizarre at the same time!!!
July 25, 2013 at 10:09 pm
Isn’t it quite disturbing hun?? đŸ™‚
July 25, 2013 at 10:40 pm
This just goes to show that you do indeed provide the laughs. Fricken’ awesome!
July 26, 2013 at 8:34 am
Will try to work the keyword “big natural tits” into the next post about Clive Palmer. Well done with all the hits. As our German spamming colleagues say: “A cool site we think you will appreciate.”
July 26, 2013 at 10:31 am
So the big question – how are your stats for this post now? Have you had like a million hits on this one thanks to your clever use of desirable keywords? Actually, that’s not the big question at all. The big question is what the hell is gangnam past??? Great post đŸ™‚
July 26, 2013 at 2:01 pm
Holy shit!
That gave me a laugh! I have no idea what my search terms would be… I’ll have to check (although I think it’s pretty much only my sister who read my blog!)
Great post
July 26, 2013 at 2:32 pm
Hey Alex – I just gave you a wee plug on my FB page – have youa FB page? I didn’t see a link so just linked your blog!
Here is my FB page to have a squiz!
https://www.facebook.com/whynothavealaughonme
Have a great weekend đŸ™‚ Emily
July 26, 2013 at 2:37 pm
Hi Emily,
Thanks for that, I appreciate it! I abandoned FB a while ago… I’m considering heading back that way.
Love your blog
July 26, 2013 at 2:39 pm
Thanks nice to hear I’m not completely writing for my own amusement! FB – it’s a pain in the ass but can be good, HEAPS of big bloggers swear by IG and Twitter but I can’t seem to keep up.
Happy Friday đŸ™‚
July 26, 2013 at 6:28 pm
Oh god… I am weeing myself.
I could never cut you off. I might have granny cleavage but I’d never wee in your chocolate pool. Promise.
July 27, 2013 at 7:37 am
Too funny. My search terms have been really boring! Far too obsessed with Ryan Corr for the most part, for some reason. Love this Em! Now I’m singing Gotye xx
July 27, 2013 at 4:14 pm
I couldn’t get past the chocolate pool and why would anyone in their right mind want to waste so much chocolate! I occasionally get some strange search terms but you definitely take the cake!
July 27, 2013 at 8:07 pm
Completely crazy and hilarious at the same time! Thanks for this post. It was a stroke of hilariousness and genius intertwined đŸ˜‰
July 28, 2013 at 1:42 pm
Very entertaining, thanks for the giggle