Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!

I’m creating a chocolate pool serviced by half-naked men – a post written using search engine terms


I’m dead set going to make my fortune by operating a chocolate pool because that is how 33 people came across have a laugh on me.

chocolate pool

The old couple down the road, the cheeky man in bathtub , and the one with big natural tits would also be welcome.

Topics up for discussion could include why my hubby loves my cleavage, mops and brooms, what I did last week, that sissy at netball, and does motherhood get harder as kids get older.

Obviously very little needs to be worn in the pool full of chocolate, but I ask fans of candy crush to please come in candy crush themed outfit – but not literally.

A half-naked man may or may not be there for a virgo fed up but it’s a sure bet there’ll be some sissies in love there.

I'm sure they're just talking and not exchanging sweet nothings! Image source

I’m sure they’re just talking and not exchanging sweet nothings!
Image source

Those with a saggy boobs birthday wish will be catered for, especially those who know a farmer named bindi in new zealand north island.

I finally got my shit together and asked jack hughman and wife to be VIP’s, but they told me they prefer a bed covered in rose petals over a big chocolate pool – maybe they were worried about a woman accidentally farting.

I originally contemplated fences for kids who are ratbags and get under them, but luckily a naked man doing dishes – aka – the Husband – talked me out of it.

As an aside, my husband awesome dad recently busted me bending over picking up newspaper and thought “wow that’s my woman flashing delivery guy“.

Luckily he didn’t snap me talking to my hunchback masseuse who in the past has admitted that he has boobs bigger than head – I told him I could relate.

Often i laugh when he kisses me but it’s not in a laughing airhostess kinda way it’s more of a dentist laugh at me platonic kind of way.

See, like this sort of face eg "I'm NOT in to you Mr Hunchback masseuse!"

See, like this sort of face I pull eg “I’m NOT in to you Mr Hunchback masseuse!”

Anyway, back to the chocolate pool, I promise I will remove the long hair on my boobs before I test it.

It might take me 7 years to get my shit together but as long as I can keep the woman farting buttcrack away, would you be keen to visit?

I promise what goes on tour stays on tour and you’ll be saying to yourself thank god i’m fabulous for taking the plunge in the nude!

For those who choose to frequent the pool with chocolate in it, this is the moment to relax and dream about a naked man cleaning dishes and take time to look after your back .

This dude looks like he’s about to “do” the bench! Image source

And don’t worry if you have a wee accident because no one’s going to drive past your house and think you have a bloody useless husband for letting you expose your granny cleavage or allowing you to wee in my pool.

I truly think this is a way I will be able to carve out an identity of myself, it sure beats my idea of creating gangnam pasta, donating blood mantras or doing some pr for little mermaid.

But right now I have to go and do a sneaky poo and find a real good gorilla suit to serenade the hen night.

Am I on a roll with this swimming in chocolate idea? Or do you want to cut me off?

This is for those Goyte fans - especially you Saree!  Image sauce

This is for those Goyte fans – especially you Saree!
Image sauce

(All of the words in BOLD are search engine terms people have typed in and found my blog – they make me laugh on a daily basis – I hope you’ve had a wee giggle too!)

Thanks Jess for letting me link for IBOT – I wouldn’t miss it for the world…

76 thoughts on “I’m creating a chocolate pool serviced by half-naked men – a post written using search engine terms

  1. Oh this is classic! Love it! What a way to start the day – thank you!

  2. Brilliant, Emily you crack me up!

  3. LMAO Pure Gold! I have laughing tears!

    “But right now I have to go and do a sneaky poo and find a real good gorilla suit to serenade the hen night.” *shakes head* lol

    Happy iBOT Em!

    MC x

  4. Where did you find that bloke and how did you convince him to nude up in your kitchen? Teach me your wisdom Master!

  5. Great idea for a post and you’ve really made me laugh with it. Clearly these Google searchers really need you, keep up the good work!

  6. Clearly your readership is more concerned with “boobs” than the “chocolate pool”. Meanwhile last night I got “Chris Evans underwear” – that was either you or Babbling Bandit. I also got “gay men” and “80s beefcake” but refreshingly no mention of “Jon Hamm’s crotch”.
    Keep up the good work.

  7. I had 20 people in German come across my blog on the same day, and I’m sure they were slightly disappointed – yes I was talking super large body distorting implants, but no pictures…Hope you get a tonne of new followers today!

  8. How funny !!!!!
    Have the best day.

  9. So funny πŸ™‚ Yes I am seeing a theme with the chocolate references lol. I had ‘mature women write about ejaculation’, which I was concerned about…then realised it probably related to a post I wrote about my husband’s vasectomy ha ha.

  10. Great post Em, you’re a clever writer πŸ™‚ The strangest one I have had is ‘Hen slathering’, I think they would have been disappointed!

    • You have no idea how much you made my day by saying this – I know I’m not the classic blogger, but I do try to do what my header says! So thanks A – I appreciate the vote of confidence because sometimes I wonder if I should be here.
      And I would be a bit worried about seeing a hen slathering! – Em xxx

  11. This is great! One of my disturbing ones is “Make a 1D sentence”. Argh! Clearly I need to wean the boys from their One Direction obsession!

  12. I love it when you do a google search post. Cracks me up every time.
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

  13. Em. these are hilarious! My most interesting one so far is “sometimes i act very naive just to see how other people will treat knee” huh???
    BTW, I like the look of your maid, he seems to wear his apron very well! xx

  14. Oh this is just too funny! Thanks for the giggles

  15. Hilarious! I never get these kind of searches on my blog sadly! I seem to get “mother son quotes” and “mother daughter quotes” on a daily basis! Love your work Em xx

  16. Best. Post. Ever.
    I love the randomness of the internet sometimes πŸ™‚

  17. OMG are you serious?!

    I finally had my first funny-ish search term last week: without panties wardrobe malfunction!!!! What the!!!

  18. How hilarious. D u mind if I borrow some of those terms, I need a few more hits πŸ™‚

  19. Friggin hilarious.

  20. LMAO at this and the other examples in the comments. my funniest is “take me on the kitchen counters” – they were disappointed when they got my Howards storage world kitchen counter post i bet!! deb xx

  21. I think I’ve just wet my pants!! GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. So. Hilarious. Seriously. The Internet! It is so crazy!

  23. Too funny! One of the best posts I have ever read – also impressed you could find pictures of a chocolate pool!

  24. You are too funny!! Loved this!!

  25. Thanks for the laugh Em, hilarious! What a great idea. I’ll be sure to let you know if I copy it πŸ˜‰

  26. You win the most hilarious SEO post ever.

  27. Em – just getting round to reading you this week and this is a cracker (possibly part of one of your search terms)! Funny thing is, it sort of almost makes sense in a funny peculiar kind of way. So funny ha ha, and funny peculiar…a good laugh.

  28. Bahaha! Clever! Oh so very clever! πŸ™‚

  29. That is hilarious Em! So imaginative too – to put all those ‘search words’ into a story! LOL I’ve had some on my blog that are a little more than bizare too! πŸ˜‰ Min xo

  30. This is hilarious Emily! Can’t stop laughing! My search engine terms are really boring!

  31. Love, love, love it! It’s a favourite for May. Do you know what that means? πŸ˜‰

  32. How funny and bizarre at the same time!!!

  33. This just goes to show that you do indeed provide the laughs. Fricken’ awesome!

  34. Will try to work the keyword “big natural tits” into the next post about Clive Palmer. Well done with all the hits. As our German spamming colleagues say: “A cool site we think you will appreciate.”

  35. So the big question – how are your stats for this post now? Have you had like a million hits on this one thanks to your clever use of desirable keywords? Actually, that’s not the big question at all. The big question is what the hell is gangnam past??? Great post πŸ™‚

  36. Holy shit!
    That gave me a laugh! I have no idea what my search terms would be… I’ll have to check (although I think it’s pretty much only my sister who read my blog!)

    Great post

  37. Oh god… I am weeing myself.
    I could never cut you off. I might have granny cleavage but I’d never wee in your chocolate pool. Promise.

  38. Too funny. My search terms have been really boring! Far too obsessed with Ryan Corr for the most part, for some reason. Love this Em! Now I’m singing Gotye xx

  39. I couldn’t get past the chocolate pool and why would anyone in their right mind want to waste so much chocolate! I occasionally get some strange search terms but you definitely take the cake!

  40. Completely crazy and hilarious at the same time! Thanks for this post. It was a stroke of hilariousness and genius intertwined πŸ˜‰

  41. Very entertaining, thanks for the giggle

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