I got shot, I sucked it up, and made a button!

Ermmmm – I don’t mean to brag but FIGJAM!

I’ve totally done some really boring shit amazeballs shart this week, even though I’ve been knee-high in cranky, sick kids who can’t be bribed, negotiated or reasoned with!

But because my awesomeness has no boundaries, I’m going to stick to FIVE things that I know this week:

1. BUTTON BABY

Totally sucked it up and made this (doesn’t matter it took me two hours when it can honestly be done in 15 minutes).

<div align="center"><a href="https://havealaughonme.wordpress.com/" title="Have a laugh on me"><img src="http://i1330.photobucket.com/albums/w568/havealaughonme/772dded9-c456-45ef-bd7e-92677d115c59_zpsee6923f2.jpg" alt="Have a laugh on me" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

I got inspiration from the clever and lovely Rhianna from A Parenting Life she wrote how to do this about five months ago. If I can do it, you can do it and you can lean how to do it here.

2. GUINEA PIGS

They are freakishly bony, squeak like a baby book all day and are scared of their own shadows. Thank gawd we were just caretakers for the weekend – give me a snake any day!

Check out those red eyes, and no truly, it’s not the camera’s fault, they have some serious death stares going on there!

3. CHICKEN LEGS

‘They’ say that if you walk/bump in to things that you don’t usually knock then it’s a sign that you’ve put on weight (totally have – but how did ‘they’ know? – wankers).

But this week I nearly broke my chicken-leg-shin in half – after four days it’s still sore. I walked FULL TIT into the kid’s new play table.

The Husband laughed (and totally lost his ‘action’ privilege for the month – that will learn him!). Seriously though, why can’t they fake their sympathy like we fake giving a shit about their boring day at work??

Okay, okay, so it doesn’t look like life or death here but truly there is still blood showing (isn’t there?).

4. SLEEP OVER

My five-year-old left for a night sleeping away, a two-hour drive I might add – for the FIRST TIME EVER!

I missed her the second she got in to her nanny’s car :(.

Could she be any cuter – notice the boots – she is much trendier than her mum!

She called me four times in as many hours and then again just before she fell asleep.

I miss not giving her a lullaby and back scratch – our nightly ritual.

The feeling that part of my heart is not sleeping under the same roof as me is a little unnerving :(.

5. GUNS

My kids found a toy gun, teamed it with my sun hat, my size 10 men’s ugly boots, and then proceeded to play.

Surely someone is going to complain that she is pointing a gun at me – notice my gorgeous boy in background with googles, surely this makes up for the gun-toting child?

Now back when I was a kid we played “cowboys and itchy bums” and I turned out okay – in fact I am more socially/racially/emotionally sensitive than many people I know.

So when my girl pointed a toy gun at me, why did I flinch?

Was it because I know that innocent lives are being lost by guns?

She doesn’t know this is happening and I certainly don’t want her to – especially at this age, surely we can’t stop kids from being kids?

Have you been shot at with a toy gun and kinda felt a little wrong?
Do you fake giving a shit about your other half’s day?

And just in case you didn’t get the hint to grab my button to see it properly the first time.

FEAST THEM EYES AGAIN……… AND GRAB MA BUTTON!
(I know buttons aren’t exactly ‘cool’ to bloggers anymore, but I have always wanted one).

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Flogging my button blog with Grace @ With Some Grace

And also joining up with Miss Cinders @ The Miss Cinders for Things I Know

And one more time – because I’m very immature like that!

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Put another log on the fire – cook me up some bacon and some beans!

Instead of spending two minutes reading my post – watch this – it’s fantastic!

This song is one of the first things that comes to mind when I hear the word BACON.

I introduce to you – “Put another log on the fire” – MUPPET STYLE!

I really have outdone myself with this one I know 😉

A post ESPECIALLY for the crew @ The Lounge – this week hosted by the funny, spunky and lovely Sarah @ Slapdash Mama

Don’t you just LOVE the Muppets?
And when was the last time you cooked someone up some bacon and some beans?

Eat your heart out Venus and Serena – my little tennis champ! Wordless Wednesday

Watch this space – I’m gotta smash some tennis ASS!

I really hate having to wait for others to have a shot – BORING

I’ve totally got this!

Watch out suckers – this is gonna hurt! BOOM!

EAT YOUR HEART OUT SERENA!

Not bad for someone who has only ever picked up a tennis racket once in her life (bad mum, must rectify this).

Joining with the lovely trio for Wordless Wednesday

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka

Have you had an unwanted visitor who turns you in to a social leper?

Sickness arrived our house about a week ago and WON’T BLOODY LEAVE!

My poor wee muffins are battling high temps, endless amounts of snot and a smoker’s cough like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s also the first week of school holidays, well for me it’s actually the second because last week my schoolie was home all week sick 😦

My kids are great sharers, which means the germs have gone from oldest to youngest.

It’s inevitable that No.3 will get it, especially considering he just took a swig of his brother’s germ laden drink bottle – kill me.

I believe you have to take the good with the bad when it comes to sick kids.

THE GOOD

1. Instead of running around like crazy units, they are content to watch TV and leave you alone (well maybe not those under three).

2. It’s the best excuse ever for not leaving the house.

3. You can get away with not cooking tea cos no one will eat it anyhow!

4. Having sick kids gets you out of almost ANYTHING – work, cleaning your house, meetings, returning phone calls (writing a shitty blog post that probably has lots of typos).

5. You get LOTS of cuddles from kids who want to sit on you for hours – which means you can play candy crush guilt-free with your spare hand – GENIUS!

Awww don’t you wish you could just eat them?

THE BAD

1. Kids who can’t blow their noses, I think someone should start-up a business doing this – oh yeah and while you’re at it, a toilet training school would also ROCK.

2. The probability you will get snot, phlegm, spew, poo, wee on you rises exponentially.

3. It costs a fortune to buy pain relief these days, and for a kid who has a 39C temp for four days you can’t avoid it :(.

4. They don’t stop whining, whimpering, calling our your name (poor wee mites but it does get taxing).

5. You are instant social lepers and miss out on parties, catching up with friends, school holiday movies, theme parks.

My new favourite toy – http://www.quickmeme.com

Has ‘sickness’ visited your house yet? And did he bring his mates cranky, grizzly, moanie and sneezy?

What is the best and worst part of having sick kids for you?

It’s Tuesday, 9.30am, and I wrote this in 25 minutes because I have FOMO in regards to IBOT.

For those not in the know, fear of missing out on I Blog on Tuesday!

Thanks for the link-up Jess @ Essentially Jess – you’re a legend!

A tirade targeting twats, gits and Kim Kardashian

Someone once told me I had a short fuse.

Sadly – that person is no longer with us.

Yes I am Keanu, well spotted dude!

No I’m not that bad, I just speak out about things that irritate me.

And while there’s plenty of injustices in the world that infuriate me, eg women not being treated equally, genocide, racism, and animals being slaughtered for no reason, there’s also a few things closer to home that make my blood boil and pulse race.

What I rant and rave on about:

I can’t vote – in fact I am only a ‘resident for tax purposes’ because I arrived here after 2001. New Zealanders have to jump through more hoops than most other nationalities to get citizenship (I’m going red just thinking about it).

How Australian politicians slag each other off, it’s very childish, have you ever watched a debate in Parliament, I cringe in embarrassment at times.

The ‘news’ on the big commercial networks – they make news instead of breaking the news. And don’t get me started on what is considered newsworthy on these three main channels. Give me ABC or SBS news any day.

SBS World News Australia – for those who really want to know what’s happening in Australia and the world – this woman is my favourite SBS news reader. Image source

People who drive slowly in the fast lane and then don’t move over because they think they’re going fast enough and that we should slow down.

Reality TV shows, talking about irritating, especially when it makes people such as Kim Kardashian famous. Who the hell is she anyhow, someone please tell me why she is so famous? Did she try and help to find a cure for cancer? Assist in helping to find the answer to global warming? Now those people are the ones we should be making famous.

Image source

Those selfish gits who put non-Aldi shopping trolleys behind the bigger, nicer and more comfortable token-only Aldi ones – lazy snots! How hard is it really to put your trolley in the right slot so I don’t have to move three trolleys with a screaming toddler in my arms?

Drivers who get cranky at having to stop at pedestrian crossings – it’s my right to cross the road without getting knocked over you twat!

Friends who appear to be listening and talking to you but also have one ear listening for a juicier conversation – when they find one they leap into it leaving you talking to yourself – RUDE.

Receptionists at the doctors, I know they are around sick, miserable people all day, but that’s no excuse for acting like nasty guard dogs.

Husbands who take out the trash and forget to put in a new rubbish bag before I scrape off dinner leftovers into the bin.

The fact that my stupid blog theme doesn’t have bullet points – GRRR.

Do any of these things make your blood boil also? Or are you guilty of one of the above – go on admit it – you really love a bit of Kim, Survivor and Real Housewives?

This rant was prompted by the crew @ The Lounge – this week hosted by Robomum

I’m also linking with Blogs and PR for Talk to Us Thursday

Sharing a bit of mullet madness – Wordless Wednesday

My two oldest totally rocking a mullet – this was taken about two years ago. Cute or what?

Image source

Famous mullet man! Oh Billy Ray – my achey breaky heart – I just don’t understand! Image source

Have you ever rocked a mullet as good as this?

It’s Wordless Wednesday and I’m joining the lovely

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka

On being a bitch, a lover, a saint and a sinner!

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother!

I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed.

Does this sound familiar?

If you’re old, but not too old, you will have heard this song and sung your lungs out at karaoke to it at some stage!

While the creator of these lyrics, Alanis Morissette, isn’t everyone’s cup of whiskey – this song got me thinking about how we change once we become totally unprepared responsible parents.

Once kids come along we can forget who we are, and many people change completely.

I know I’m not exactly the same person I was BHTLS (Before Having Three Little Shits Sweethearts)!

But every now and then the ‘old me’ comes out to play – you know what I mean?

Here’s the old me – resurfacing when I had a weekend without kids in Cairns! Here I am a little bit tipsy pulling selfies on a plane with my sissy!

So with the help of Alanis, here is a look at some personalities that can surface despite my motherhood status!

I’m a bitch

If someone takes a second glance at my screaming child at the supermarket and shakes their head – I will say: “Really? Do you think that’s going to make him stop screaming you old fart?”

Or I’ll say: “You only have to put up with it for two minutes, I have to listen to it all day MOFO ! (okay so I don’t say MOFO but it sounded cool right?)

I’m a lover

(this space is empty because my mum reads this 😉 )

I’m a child

Here is proof, I was rocking Gangham Style last weekend, can you pick me out?

I’m not doing an impression of a swooping hawk, that is me throwing some NASTY shapes on the dance floor!

I’m a mother

Which means I have to try not to laugh when my son asks his younger brother to pull finger so he can fart!

I also lick my finger and use my spittle to wipe stuff off my children’s faces before they go to school/kindy/out/destroy the peace at the local playground!

But here’s a quick tip that makes this process easier, get your kids to lick their OWN fingers and then use their slobber to wipe off the mess.

And considering all kids DEVOUR their boogers like they’re chocolate, how can they protest?

YUM YUM – snot tastes so nice! Image source

I’m a sinner

I get speeding tickets (strangely, always when I’m without the kids), I like a drinkie or four, and I will totally pig out on chocolate, bread & butter and deep-fried camembert with plum sauce (gluttony).

I’m a saint

I will tell a friend that “it’s okay or I didn’t even notice” when it isn’t, because I know they didn’t mean to offend or upset me, and that sometimes I can be too sensitive (working on that).

Even though I’m in a hurry too, I will let the old person (they always only buy one or two things I swear) go ahead of me in the Aldi queue.

Why are you a bitch, a saint or a sinner?

Does the ‘old you’ come out to play every now and then? Or is s/he still your dominant personality?

Come on, fess up, it’s good for the soul – just ask Kirsty at My Home Truths – every Monday she makes peeps spill their guts!

It’s Tuesday and I Blog

Linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess for IBOT

A weekend camping in Yamba – Part 2 (night time) – Wordless Wednesday

Parents going a bit mad after dark with glow sticks!

Such an attractive couple!

What you talking about Willis?

Using my tongue to see if it’s raining!

Is that a flying saucer?

Nah it’s just a bat – silly me!

Using his in-built binoculars to try find possums! Nice guns!

Hey – who turned on the lights?

Stunned mullet!

“You want to babysit my kids for a week?” HELL YES!

Now go back and look at the photos again, notice the cute photo bomber trying to stick a blue glow stick up his nose.

CLASSIC 🙂

This Wordless Wednesday I’m linking with the usual suspects:

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka

A list of parenting books that no one will ever have the guts to publish

Here’s 10 books about parenting that I could never potentially publish one day:

1. Boys are little turds – so get over it.

2. Things get easier – when you’re in a nursing home drinking sherry at midday.

Maybe without the fags though – no one likes sherry breathe AND ashtray mouth. Image source

3. When your kids say they hate you – they’re not tricking.

4. Top tips on how to hide from your kids and make it seem like a game.

My favourite hiding spots are the washing line, and our walk-in robe!

5. Toilet training is crap – there’s no sugar-coating it.

6. Stinky Saturdays, Fug All Fridays and other hints on how to make parenting easier.

7. Why texters, play dough and craft have no place in your home.

It was my husband’s birthday this week – here is a personal message written in texter, on the wall, by No.3.

8. You’re not alone – many mums dream about running to join the circus.

9. Parents secretly compare – so lie about your kid’s achievements just to screw with their heads.

10. And you thought you were fat before you had kids?

This is me before kids, about 10 years ago. Sadly I recall I STILL wasn’t happy with my figure!

What book could you write? Which one would you like to see me attempt first?

Speaking of publishing a book – Jess @ Essentially Jess has already done this! Check it out HERE

As if it wasn’t enough for her to pass me in candy crush last night – now she’s a published author!

GAME ON MOLE! 😉

The movies – a place where you can undo your pants and enjoy two hours of pleasure!

Movies are the best place to escape your miserable life reality.

For two hours, if you’re lucky, you can ignore the kids, your partner, the washing or work.

Let’s not forget – you can pig out on popcorn and frozen Coke without feeling guilty.

You can also undo your pants and let your tummy hang out and no one will see because it’s PITCH BLACK!

I totally undo my top bottom at the movies! SO SHOOT ME!

There are a few movies I love to hate – including any that feature Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers and Leslie Nielsen (RIP).

Sorry but they’re just NOT funny – well to me any how.

Then again I’m fussy about comedy – it has to be subtle, dry, like a fantastic glass of wine.

However, I am partial to one Adam Sandler movie, Happy Gilmore was a source of amusement to me for a long time.

Not just because he threw golf clubs like I do when I miss a shot (like EVERY shot).

But mainly for this scene featuring Ben Stiller:

During my flatting days, whenever someone asked me for something I would use this line!

My favourite movies don’t fit any one genre, taste or Era!

But here’s five flicks that I have seen at LEAST 10 times – I KID YOU NOT – and would watch again if you rocked up to my house with it in your hot hand!

Romeo and Juliet (1996)

I was a teenager when this came out and my hormones were RACING! I just wanted to meet my ROMEO!
Image source

Titanic (1997)

Every time I watch this movie – I cry at this scene – imagine knowing it’s your time 😦 Image source

The Sound of Music (1965)

The Captain could have had my Von Trapp any time he wanted! Image source

Shutter Island (2010)

I’m a total sucker for a movie that BLOWS me away – which isn’t often – I can usually pick most endings! BUT NOT THIS!
Image source

Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001- 2003)

Not only was this series filmed in my country of birth – I have lived in and around where it was filmed!
I also LOVE the escapism that comes with this movie (okay and the perve factor).

I have many more movies I LOVE – some are kinda creepy Kill Bill, some are soppy The Notebook and others are a mixture The Hangover.

But these are five I will never tire of watching – in fact I can almost recite the actor’s lines for them!!

Do any of these movies blow your hair back? What is a movie you have watched numerous times?
Did you notice something that three of these movies all have?

This Thursday I’m linking with Blogs and PR

And chillaxing at The Lounge – this week hosted by Tegan at Musings of the Misguided!!

A weekend camping in Yamba – Part 1 (daytime) – Wordless Wednesday

Hanging on for dear life! Or a tree hugger, I can’t decide!

Boys discussing whether or not they should scare me by running close to the edge of the jetty!

As tempting as it was to teach them a lesson not to get too close I didn’t boot them in 😉

Best friends at school, home and away!

This was the spa pool – but was the same degrees as the main pool – kids had a ball though!

Three-wheel fun thanks to D – he was such a big help with all the little kids and we were all so grateful to him!

These two cheeky monkeys made a splash!

There were just out kids using the bouncy pillow at one stage, SO much fun.

No one wanted to look at me! I was in the bad books for telling them off and then expecting a nice cheesy smile!

Trying their luck at fishing – a few puffer fish around and some bigger flatheads but none for my kids 😦

My lil’ Spiderman took a shine to this sweet fisherman!

Rocking the one piece baby!

Hitching a ride with his little buddy – he actually looks shit scared here!

LOVING Wordless Wednesday

Linking with:

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka

Do we trust our small kids too much? Or is play dough up the nose part of growing up?

There’s nothing like play dough up a nose to ruin your day.

I suppose it’s better than a marble – but worse than a pea, which I’m told usually breaks down quickly.

All smiles waiting to be seen by doctor!

I’ll be sure to keep this to show his wife and kids in 20 or so years time!

Quite frankly it never entered my mind that my three-year-old would shove it up his schnoz (yes this is an actual word now according to the dictionary!)

I thought he was content enough to have the occasional lick or nibble, which I often turn a blind eye to, especially if it gives me 30 minutes peace.

Taking 100s of photos of himself – I bet this has happened to most of you!! Also something that happens when you think your child is playing nice and quietly by themselves!

So I was packing for a weekend away when the incident occurred – I can’t even remember saying yes to letting him use the play dough.

In my defense, I was pretty preoccupied, he could have asked me for a pack of cigarettes and I would have said “yes my darling”.

The Husband said he saw him picking his nose – nothing new here – but also pushing something up the other nostril.

He proudly told us he had put play dough up his nose and despite my frantic attempts to remove it with tweezers I couldn’t.

I suppose I should have realised he was in a bad mood – check out this face a few hours before the incident – notice how my kitchen looks like it just spewed?

Hubby took him to doctor who referred him to the ED because he wasn’t sure he could was too scared to remove it!

We got there after walking 20 minutes in the dark and were both starving and thirsty.

(not to mention is was 5pm on a Friday – my tipple time).

Never too sick for a selfie!

The result was he had to get an outpatient appointment because ED doctor was not keen to dabble in the nose area – best left to the ENT specialists.

This suited me, I just wanted to get home and pack for my camping trip the next day! (mother of the year)

The whole incident got me thinking about how we trust our small kids a lot more than we should – well I do anyhow!

But then I suppose if I followed them around all day they’d start to hate me more than they already do.

Not to mention I’d start to morph into a helicopter mum and be obsessed with their every move!

They would also become a lot more sneaky than they already are – which is VERY sneaky!

My schoolie is banned from going to the tuckshop until she starts eating what we eat without a fuss – so she snuck some of her pocket money to take to use instead.

While I quietly applaud this resourcefulness, it scares me to think what she’ll be like a teen.

I have to agree with this – my husband is living proof!
Image source

But I suppose it’s about taking calculated risks.

For example, I leave my five-year-old girl in the bath for a few minutes while I do a quick tidy up – but I make her sing the whole time so I know she’s okay.

That’s probably why she’s so good at singing Gangnam Style – whoop whoop!

(As an aside if you want a PC version for your kids – why not teach them to sing – “Heeyyy chips and gravy whoop” must more appropriate for a five-year-old than Heeyy Sexy Lady me thinks).

I will also let my 21-month-old climb on and off the trampoline while I hang out the washing.

For me, it’s about having to let go or else I’d go silly stressing about them every second of the day.

However – there is always a downside.

This is what happens when you spend 10 minutes extra in bed – my ‘baby’ helped himself to stuff in the fridge – he also dipped his fingers in the butter!

Bet you’re glad you didn’t have to mop up that egg at 6am this morning – GROSS!

Moral of the story:

DON’T BE A LAZY ASS AND GET OUT OF BED WHEN YOU HEAR THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN!

What has your child put up his or her nose?
Are you a heli mum/dad or someone who let’s them learn the hard way?

Thanks Jess @ Essentially Jess for the linky and the chance to read heaps of AWESOME blogs in the one spot!