It’s Wordless Wednesday and I join in the fun over at
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.
Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!
And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.
(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)
Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:
I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?
For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?
And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.
Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!
FEED ME NOW
As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.
I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.
For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?
YOU’RE A SLOB
And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?
I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.
Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!
ESCAPE IS FUTILE
Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.
I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!
Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!
This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!
If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.
If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?
Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess
Since the arrival of our gorgeous third-born we haven’t had any proper family photos taken.
But here is one that my daughter drew just after her youngest brother was born nearly two years ago.
It sits proudly on a table at the entrance to our home:
And here is one that got taken 6 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with No.3!
Another Wordless Wednesday post:
Linking with a trio of bloggers I love:
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
I might set up a club, not the pole dancing type, the once-a-week meet and
drink greet sort.
It’ll be a place where parents can confess their innermost thoughts, have a rant and say exactly what they think without fear of retribution.
You’ll be handed a bucket of coffee, wine, AND chocolate as you walk through the door to congratulate you for making it through another week of parenting.
The meetings won’t be well publicised or else someone will shut us down for being politically incorrect.
Okay so I’ll warm things up a bit with a some things I want to get off my chest.
1. I knew I should have married for money and not love (no offence to the Husband of course).
2. I often feign a sickness at dinner time because I can’t stand the kids moaning about how much they hate my meals.
3. For a start there I thought a Thermomix was a kinky toy – an expensive one at that!
4. The music is WAY too loud in retail shops these days – I’m trying to buy
granny undies clothes not have a fugging dance party!
6. I wish all those organised people would stop trying to motivate me with positive posters and get their butts to my house and do the job for me.
7. When I said to my son: “I’m going to put you down” I meant on the ground, someone obviously took my comment WAY out of context.
8. No shit I’m cranky and look tired, I’ve basically been awake for the past five years with a few four-to-five hour breaks in between where I have been able to lie down and close my eyes.
9. If keeping my kids up later at night meant they’d sleep past 5.15am, I’d fed them blue lollies and throw them a disco party EVERY NIGHT.
10. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of my youngest, he’s like a member of the Cullen family (Twilight vampire reference), he epitomises gorgeousness so when he rips your head off you are taken completely off guard.
Do you have anything you want to get off your chest? Would you be a starter for my club? Are you sick of being woken at 5.15 EVERY MORNING?
Another IBOT with Jess @ Essentially Jess
I’m not exactly sure that what I’m about to post is kosher!
But I was recently given a virtual ‘pat on the back’ by Jess @ Essentially Jess.
She asked me to be the BLOGGER OF THE MO – how could I refuse!
Yes I know, talk about being up myself, but I wanted to share the Q&A’s with you all – because the questions were pretty hairy!
So indulge me fellow bloggers – it is FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY after all 🙂
What is the most random thing you have ever eaten?
As a kid I used to LOVE nibbling on rubbers, and no I’m not talking about root suits, aka condoms, I grew up in New Zealand and we call erasers rubbers.
I also had a taste for paper, yep the stuff you write on, nothing too flashy or thick, just your garden variety A4, lined stuff.
Oh and mum told me I used to eat the dead flies from under the window sills because I thought they were raisins – YUMMO!
Seriously, a puppy dog? Is that a trick question? Because have you seen the size of me? I would kill a puppy dog if I rode on one and I have enough to feel guilty about in my life.
As for a camel, I do like a bit of a hump.
If you were a colour what would you be?
I’d like to say red because I’m pretty outgoing and slightly angry – but then again I wear a lot of black, not because I’m having Goth crisis but because it hides my muffin top.
You’re in a karaoke bar and you have to sing: what song is it going to be?
My singing voice is crap so I’m probably going to belt out a song that actually doesn’t need singing – like a rap – Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady for example.
I’ll even turn my hat around backwards, drop my pants a bit so you could see my butt crack and throw in a few YO YO MOFOs!
You must choose between only having either chocolate or alcohol for the rest of your life. Which will it be?
You all know I’m going to say: “Hi, I’m Emily and I choose you alcohol”.
But I pride myself on being able to overcome any obstacle so I’m going to pick a chocolate liqueur – two birds, one stone – BOOM!
So tell me – what is the weirdest thing you have eaten? And would you ride a puppy or a camel?
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FLOGGIN’ thanks to Grace @ With Some Grace
Death stares, vomiting lunch boxes and some serious five-year-old attitude – this parenthood caper ain’t a picnic.
On horrific days I dream of blowing this popcorn stand for greener pastures, so I thought it wise to practice my interviewing skills.
FIVE QUESTIONS I’LL TOTALLY BE ABLE TO NAIL DURING A JOB INTERVIEW NOW THAT I’VE HAD THREE KIDS:
1. How have you grown or changed over the past few years?
I successfully managed to gain 25kgs in nine months, and I didn’t just do it once, I did it THREE TIMES!!
My boobs grew to the size of a three-year-old’s head and my feet grew one shoe size – if that isn’t commitment to growing then I don’t know what is.
2. What are your strengths?
I am fluent in changing a swear word mid-sentence, muttering under my breath, sarcasm, white lies and telling off three children in one breath.
My ability to ignore annoying requests is also quite remarkable – especially those that involve craft, cooking and cleaning.
3. Are you a nice person?
Sure I am, especially to those who could potentially spit in my food if I moan about their crappy customer service skills.
I will also befriend and
bribe buy treats for teachers and childcare workers, it can’t hurt to be a bit of a suck up!
4. What have been your achievements to date?
Oh that’s an easy one – I have totally nurtured and loved three bottles of plonk in one night, and lived to tell the tale!
5. Why should we hire you?
Because I said so.
And because if I can survive having 3 kids in 3.5 years, including two boys who give Dennis the Menace a run for his money, then I deserve a
psychologist for the rest of my life a shot!
Also, if you don’t I’ll probably get VERY ANGRY – and to quote David Banner: “You won’t like me when I’m angry”.
How would you answer one of these questions? What has parenthood made you good at? Would you hire me?
Another crazy blog post I’m linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess