Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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A glass of wine bigger than my head…. and sparklers – Wordless Wednesday

My friend captured this awesome photo with her iPhone, sparkler magic!

My friend captured this awesome photo with her iPhone, sparkler magic!

It really is as big as it looks - the glass that is - not my tongue!!

It really is as big as it looks – the glass that is – not my tongue!!

We weren't TOO silly and still managed to take the kids out for a 4km bike/run around the lake and play afterwards!

We weren’t TOO silly and still managed to take the kids out for a 4km bike/run (crawl in my case) around the lake and play afterwards!

It’s Wordless Wednesday and I join in the fun over at

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


69 Comments

I just got a written warning from my 22-month-old!

This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.

Dear Mumma,

Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!

And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.

(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job - seriously - a HAIR TIE?

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job – seriously – a HAIR TIE?

Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:

DRESS SENSE

I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?

For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?

And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.

Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!

As for this hat - talk about embarrassing, it's tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

As for this hat – talk about embarrassing, it’s tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

FEED ME NOW

As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.

I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.

For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I'm on drinking ma milk!

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I’m drinking ma milk!

YOU’RE A SLOB

And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?

I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.

Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!

See mum - this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin - use this dustpan and brush to clean up - it's THAT EASY!

See mum – this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin – use this dustpan and brush to clean up – it’s THAT EASY!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuff full of crap!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuffed full of crap!

ESCAPE IS FUTILE

Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.

I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!

BOOM!

HAIR

Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!

This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!

If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.

xAR

If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?

Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess


44 Comments

Two of my favourite images ever – Wordless Wednesday

Since the arrival of our gorgeous third-born we haven’t had any proper family photos taken.

But here is one that my daughter drew just after her youngest brother was born nearly two years ago.

It sits proudly on a table at the entrance to our home:

fdasfw

And here is one that got taken 6 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with No.3!

arewer

Another Wordless Wednesday post:

Linking with a trio of bloggers I love:

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


98 Comments

Wanna join my club where parents can make wildly inappropriate comments and confessions?

I might set up a club, not the pole dancing type, the once-a-week meet and drink greet sort.

It’ll be a place where parents can confess their innermost thoughts, have a rant and say exactly what they think without fear of retribution.

You’ll be handed a bucket of coffee, wine, AND chocolate as you walk through the door to congratulate you for making it through another week of parenting.

fadf

The meetings won’t be well publicised or else someone will shut us down for being politically incorrect.

I couldn't agree more!

I couldn’t agree more!

Okay so I’ll warm things up a bit with a some things I want to get off my chest.

1. I knew I should have married for money and not love (no offence to the Husband of course).

I don't need to state the obvious do I?  Image source

I don’t need to state the obvious do I?
Image source

2. I often feign a sickness at dinner time because I can’t stand the kids moaning about how much they hate my meals.

3. For a start there I thought a Thermomix was a kinky toy – an expensive one at that!

4. The music is WAY too loud in retail shops these days – I’m trying to buy granny undies clothes not have a fugging dance party!

6. I wish all those organised people would stop trying to motivate me with positive posters and get their butts to my house and do the job for me.

Yes - this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

Yes – this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

7. When I said to my son: “I’m going to put you down” I meant on the ground, someone obviously took my comment WAY out of context.

The son I often threaten to "put down".

The son I often threaten to “put down”.

8. No shit I’m cranky and look tired, I’ve basically been awake for the past five years with a few four-to-five hour breaks in between where I have been able to lie down and close my eyes.

9. If keeping my kids up later at night meant they’d sleep past 5.15am, I’d fed them blue lollies and throw them a disco party EVERY NIGHT.

10. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of my youngest, he’s like a member of the Cullen family (Twilight vampire reference), he epitomises gorgeousness so when he rips your head off you are taken completely off guard.

No family is this good looking - well except mine of course.  Image source

No family is this good looking – well except mine of course.
Image source

Do you have anything you want to get off your chest? Would you be a starter for my club? Are you sick of being woken at 5.15 EVERY MORNING?

Another IBOT with Jess @ Essentially Jess


63 Comments

Why I’d ride a camel, and confessing I have nibbled on rubbers!

I’m not exactly sure that what I’m about to post is kosher!

But I was recently given a virtual ‘pat on the back’ by Jess @ Essentially Jess.

She asked me to be the BLOGGER OF THE MO – how could I refuse!

bloggerofmo

Yes I know, talk about being up myself, but I wanted to share the Q&A’s with you all – because the questions were pretty hairy!

So indulge me fellow bloggers – it is FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY after all 🙂

What is the most random thing you have ever eaten?

As a kid I used to LOVE nibbling on rubbers, and no I’m not talking about root suits, aka condoms, I grew up in New Zealand and we call erasers rubbers.

I also had a taste for paper, yep the stuff you write on, nothing too flashy or thick, just your garden variety A4, lined stuff.

Oh and mum told me I used to eat the dead flies from under the window sills because I thought they were raisins – YUMMO!

GROSS - I can't believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source

GROSS – I can’t believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source


Would you rather ride on a puppy dog for 1km or a camel for 100km?

Seriously, a puppy dog? Is that a trick question? Because have you seen the size of me? I would kill a puppy dog if I rode on one and I have enough to feel guilty about in my life.

As for a camel, I do like a bit of a hump.

If you were a colour what would you be?

I’d like to say red because I’m pretty outgoing and slightly angry – but then again I wear a lot of black, not because I’m having Goth crisis but because it hides my muffin top.

You’re in a karaoke bar and you have to sing: what song is it going to be?

My singing voice is crap so I’m probably going to belt out a song that actually doesn’t need singing – like a rap – Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady for example.

I’ll even turn my hat around backwards, drop my pants a bit so you could see my butt crack and throw in a few YO YO MOFOs!

Isn't this a cracker of a shirt?  Image source

Isn’t this a cracker of a shirt? Image source

You must choose between only having either chocolate or alcohol for the rest of your life. Which will it be?

You all know I’m going to say: “Hi, I’m Emily and I choose you alcohol”.

But I pride myself on being able to overcome any obstacle so I’m going to pick a chocolate liqueur – two birds, one stone – BOOM!

So tell me – what is the weirdest thing you have eaten? And would you ride a puppy or a camel?

Do you get the IBOT monthly newsletter? Here is the most recent one so have a look and sign up!

FLOGGIN’ thanks to Grace @ With Some Grace

fybf


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Why we turned heads at the shops – Wordless Wednesday

We turned heads at the shops with this Spiderman get up!

My son made a few people laugh at the shops with this Spiderman get up!

I think this is one of the few times No.3 has seen ducks - such is the life of a third child who often misses the things his older siblings got to do every week :(.

I think this is one of the few times No.3 has seen ducks – such is the life of a third child who often misses the things his older siblings got to do every week :(.

Crazy selfies with my girl - trying to master the duck face!

Crazy selfies with my girl – trying to master the duck face!

Three chefs helping me make a cake - talk about a mission!

Three chefs helping me make a cake – talk about a mission!

Time to eat the batter, I think we actually only got about 12 to 15 cupcakes, the rest was eaten by the kids - they were having fun so MEH!

Time to eat the batter, I think we actually only got about 12 to 15 cupcakes, the rest was eaten by the kids – they were having fun so I didn’t care about the mess!

Umm have I got something on my face?

Umm have I got something on my face?

Licking the table clean because mum really doesn't care about table manners when it's cake making time!

Licking the table clean because mum really doesn’t care about table manners when it’s cake making time!

Just had to share this with you - it's been on my fridge for about six years, my lil' sister got it from overseas - makes me smile EVERY TIME I see it!

Just had to share this with you – it’s been on my fridge for about six years, my lil’ sister got it from overseas – makes me smile EVERY TIME I see it!

It’s Wednesday and I say NOTHING because it’s Wordless Wednesday:

Linking with three fantastic bloggers

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


58 Comments

Five interview questions I’ll be able to nail thanks to death stares, vomiting lunch boxes and five-year-old attitude!

Death stares, vomiting lunch boxes and some serious five-year-old attitude – this parenthood caper ain’t a picnic.

On horrific days I dream of blowing this popcorn stand for greener pastures, so I thought it wise to practice my interviewing skills.

See I wasn't joking about the death stare - seriously it's rather disturbing right? He gives Dexter a run for his money.

See I wasn’t joking about the death stare – seriously it’s rather disturbing right? He gives the Incredible Hulk a run for his money.

And here is the lunchbox vomit - putrid putrid putrid!

And here is the lunchbox vomit – putrid putrid putrid!

FIVE QUESTIONS I’LL TOTALLY BE ABLE TO NAIL DURING A JOB INTERVIEW NOW THAT I’VE HAD THREE KIDS:

1. How have you grown or changed over the past few years?

I successfully managed to gain 25kgs in nine months, and I didn’t just do it once, I did it THREE TIMES!!

My boobs grew to the size of a three-year-old’s head and my feet grew one shoe size – if that isn’t commitment to growing then I don’t know what is.

2. What are your strengths?

I am fluent in changing a swear word mid-sentence, muttering under my breath, sarcasm, white lies and telling off three children in one breath.

My ability to ignore annoying requests is also quite remarkable – especially those that involve craft, cooking and cleaning.

Here is No.3 desperately trying to find himself some food - umm - with a knife? Nah it's not a knife, truly (I hope)

Here is No.3 desperately trying to find himself some food in the dishwasher… with a knife? Nah it’s not a knife (I hope).

3. Are you a nice person?

Sure I am, especially to those who could potentially spit in my food if I moan about their crappy customer service skills.

I will also befriend and bribe buy treats for teachers and childcare workers, it can’t hurt to be a bit of a suck up!

4. What have been your achievements to date?

Oh that’s an easy one – I have totally nurtured and loved three bottles of plonk in one night, and lived to tell the tale!

Just kidding - these three souls here are my greatest achievements - notice No.3 has a crappy Magna Doodle while the others have iPads - it's because they are my favourites - just kidding, none of them are my favourite.

Just kidding, these three souls are my greatest achievements.

5. Why should we hire you?

Because I said so.

And because if I can survive having 3 kids in 3.5 years, including two boys who give Dennis the Menace a run for his money, then I deserve a psychologist for the rest of my life a shot!

Also, if you don’t I’ll probably get VERY ANGRY – and to quote David Banner: “You won’t like me when I’m angry”.

You totally can't beat old school Incredible Hulk right? Image source

You totally can’t beat old school Incredible Hulk right? Image source

How would you answer one of these questions? What has parenthood made you good at? Would you hire me?

Another crazy blog post I’m linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess

BTW – did you know I was Blogger of the Mo over at Essentially Jess for June – take a look HERE to find out if I would ride a puppy or a camel!