Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!

Wanna join my club where parents can make wildly inappropriate comments and confessions?

98 Comments

I might set up a club, not the pole dancing type, the once-a-week meet and drink greet sort.

It’ll be a place where parents can confess their innermost thoughts, have a rant and say exactly what they think without fear of retribution.

You’ll be handed a bucket of coffee, wine, AND chocolate as you walk through the door to congratulate you for making it through another week of parenting.

fadf

The meetings won’t be well publicised or else someone will shut us down for being politically incorrect.

I couldn't agree more!

I couldn’t agree more!

Okay so I’ll warm things up a bit with a some things I want to get off my chest.

1. I knew I should have married for money and not love (no offence to the Husband of course).

I don't need to state the obvious do I?  Image source

I don’t need to state the obvious do I?
Image source

2. I often feign a sickness at dinner time because I can’t stand the kids moaning about how much they hate my meals.

3. For a start there I thought a Thermomix was a kinky toy – an expensive one at that!

4. The music is WAY too loud in retail shops these days – I’m trying to buy granny undies clothes not have a fugging dance party!

6. I wish all those organised people would stop trying to motivate me with positive posters and get their butts to my house and do the job for me.

Yes - this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

Yes – this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

7. When I said to my son: “I’m going to put you down” I meant on the ground, someone obviously took my comment WAY out of context.

The son I often threaten to "put down".

The son I often threaten to “put down”.

8. No shit I’m cranky and look tired, I’ve basically been awake for the past five years with a few four-to-five hour breaks in between where I have been able to lie down and close my eyes.

9. If keeping my kids up later at night meant they’d sleep past 5.15am, I’d fed them blue lollies and throw them a disco party EVERY NIGHT.

10. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of my youngest, he’s like a member of the Cullen family (Twilight vampire reference), he epitomises gorgeousness so when he rips your head off you are taken completely off guard.

No family is this good looking - well except mine of course.  Image source

No family is this good looking – well except mine of course.
Image source

Do you have anything you want to get off your chest? Would you be a starter for my club? Are you sick of being woken at 5.15 EVERY MORNING?

Another IBOT with Jess @ Essentially Jess

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Author: Have A Laugh On Me

I'm a mum to three, write from home and I rarely cook, craft or clean but admire those who do. I try to live by the mantra that there's no point in worrying about something that might not happen! Be warned this is not a fluffy, sweet mummy blog, rather a place where you can cringe, laugh and be shocked at my brutally honest take on my life.

98 thoughts on “Wanna join my club where parents can make wildly inappropriate comments and confessions?

  1. Every mom has these secret confessions and all moms can relate to other moms’ rants and hilarious admissions! Because of this, I am compiling funny parenting thoughts for the upcoming online mom magazine http://www.MargaritaMommies.com. Go to http://www.mommyanonymous.com and give us your confessions and secrets! We’ll publish the best ones!

  2. My youngest (teenager) is still waking me at before the crack of dawn (only on school holidays mind you) to the sounds of some form of technology going off. On school days I yell, scream, throw a hissy fit and drag him from the covers just to get him to wake at 7am. A very crappy way to start the day. What is with that.

  3. I need to confess that I’ve decided that there are several parts of this parenting gig that don’t suit me. Accordingly I will out source them so I can focus on my goals of becoming James Bond/A rock star and having passionate weekends in wineries with my wife.

  4. I am THIS close to feeding my kids playdough for the rest of my days. Can you imagine how much I will save on my grocery bills??? So sick of food wastage!! I am so using the “kids are going hungry in the world” line on them as soon as they can understand what the hell I’m talking about! Always love you’re posts Em. Makes me feel normal because we usually share the same sentiment! xxx Luisa from The Motherhood Herald xxxx

    • DO IT – they will LOVE all the colours that playdough provides! Even better get the edible stuff and you’ll be sorted!
      And thanks for saying that I make you feel normal Luisa, it kinda makes me feel normal that you feel normal when reading what I write!

    • I just took a sip of my drink and burst out laughing at this. Very Very funny!

  5. Count me in. Political incorrectness is a hobby of mine.
    Loves

  6. I think Kevin’s plan to outsource is brilliant – we live in a service society, there MUST be someone out there who is willing to pick up the slack in parenting…*crickets*

  7. Oh God, my application to join is in the mail – vegemite fingerprints and all plus photographic evidence of one of my own cupboards which should automatically upgrade me to an executive role. Hope you’ve got a lanyard coming with my membership card! xx

  8. I’m in, I’m not sure I thoroughly read the contract before I became a parent, and thus feel like I’m on an uphill grind everyday, and have plenty to complain about. My favourite thing to yell at dinner time right now is: “USE THE FORK LUKE!… I mean Jack.” I had no idea how eating would be soooo frustrating and last for so long. Grrr. Thanks for the vent. xx

  9. Count me in…but there’s always that moment when your all on a roll and then you say something, to be met with silence – and you’ve gone too far…or does that just happen to me? (my first mothers group was like that – we all decided that we couldn’t ALL be doing it wrong, so the books must be what you aimed for but never really happened – it was great!)

  10. I was in at ‘meet & drink’! πŸ™‚

  11. Any club that offers chocolate, wine and a whinge can count me in! 5.15am?!! That’s still the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!

  12. Yes, yes and yes. Start the club right now. I’m so in! I choked on my pizza when I read your number 10. Hilarious! I’m so over the loud music in stores too. At our DVD store on the weekend the chick working there had the movie blaring in the background. I was so close to telling her to turn it down. I leave my house to get AWAY from the noise. Sheesh. Kids of today.

  13. Yes! Yes! I’m in. I’ll start off by saying I am so sick of bloggers who blog about how clean their house is and post photos of said houses with fresh flowers, polished floors and arty art work. Who lives like that????? (And yes I know I don’t have to read their blogs and I don’t but the images I’ve seen piss me off that much!) Yes it’s jealousy. Okay there, I said it.

    • I agree completely, I look at them and think “shit burgers, why can’t that be me?” Then I realise that if I had said tidy house that was perfect then I wouldn’t be me. Does that even make sense Jods? πŸ™‚

  14. Where do I sign up?? I’m having a grumpy week/year/life, so could do with some back-up ASAP! P.S. My kids used to wake up at a similarly barbaric hour, I solved this problem by screaming “MUMMY’S STILL ASLEEP” at them and putting my head under the pillow. It works!

  15. I’m in! I’ll be secretary or treasurer or just door greeter, just let me in! As for the overly organized…..that’s just not on!
    Great giggle as usual Em xx

  16. Coffee, wine AND chocolate, give me the form and a pen!!!!!!! My girls are teens and are experienced sleeper-iners, now it’s me who starts work at 5am that is the issue πŸ™‚ xxx Nikki @ Wonderfully Women

    • Oh Nikki I take my hat off to you – ouch that is early. Mine you the hubby is up at 4.30 and being the horrible light sleeper that I am, so am I 😦 I can’t wait til my teens wake at nicer hours πŸ™‚ Thanks for visit!

  17. Ha ha love it, count me in! ;-D

  18. Yes, yes and yes!
    I am very pleased with the coffee, wine and chocolate – you may have a hard time getting me to leave πŸ™‚
    You know, I don’t know if I could sleep in if given the opportunity (unless its alcohol induced). I have an uncanny knack for waking up about 5 minutes before my son comes in. It would be nice though….

  19. Oh, darling! I hope the early starts get better for you. My two are now 7 and 10 and thankfully let me sleep in on weekends until I see fit to get up and feed them. Thank goodness for the Xbox and Wii!

  20. You should link this up at I Must Confess! I have the opposite problem to the early starts at the moment, my two eldest are sleeping in. Which is awesome on the weekend but quite painful on weekday mornings when I’m trying to get three kids and myself dressed semi appropriately and out the door by 8.30am!

    • I did link and PROMISE I’ll try and do more often Kirst. I would LOVE a sleep in, in fact if I knew they were going to sleep in I’d get ALL my shit together the night before, but for me it’s just not going to happen. I hope things are going smoothly with the soon to be move! xx

  21. Ha, I love that my friend rang me at 10.00am on Sunday and I was still asleep. She has two little kids. When I told her I was asleep she told me quite firmly that she HATED me……..ah but I LOVE myself for that ability!

  22. You had me at bucket of wine! I’m in x

  23. Em! I’m not a parent yet but please can I be part of your club! I have a few things I really need to get out of my chest!

  24. Can we get a hot bartender, please? I’ll join right now.

  25. Love it Em. Your cupboard looks awfully familiar…you sure that wasn’t my house? Um, I’m sure there’s heaps I need to get off my chest, but I am hopeless when put on the spot! Maybe – please don’t judge me because I stop the exercise class to pick up my baby who is now screaming in distress. Sure you will have a million members.

  26. Couldn’t agree more with number four! (Hey I’m a poet and didn’t know it …)

  27. I have a Robomaid, a dishwasher, two self-cleaning ovens, a washing machine and dryer, and I STILL can’t keep my house clean. I would have been the worst 20s housewife EVER. LET THE CONFESSION CLEANSINGNESS BEGIN.

  28. I think you’ve just started that club right here! I totally agree with the 5.15 issue. And sometimes I even DO let them stay up late just to be optimistic, but it never works. It just makes ME more tired. Hope you feel better after a whinge!

  29. Did someone say wine? Um yep Im all for getting things off my chest – including the zillion and one lies I have been telling my husband and my kids lately. Hey it was all justifiable! x

  30. I’m not a parent but I still really wanna join your club….please please please…..I have a habit of saying what I’m thinking. I thought the first time my boss referred to a Wednesday as Hump day that she was being wildly inappropriate and revealing stuff about her sex life……I can’t keep towels in my linen cupboard anymore cause everytime I open the door it’s Russian roulette of not wanting to be hit by fly away objects xx

  31. I want to join too! No wine for me but I’ll take a bucket of coffee and a bottle of Valium to even me out, thanks. While I’m laying back enjoying the politically incorrect banter around your club (with appropriately volumed music of the laid back indie folk, singer/songwriter kind) while the great organisers of this parenting world can sort out my cupboards (after yours of course). After they are done with that those perfect parenting types can teach my son boundaries, sharing and how to appropriately behave at other kids’ birthday parties so next time I’m not humiliated to the point of tears.

    I’ll look forward to getting my membership card in the mail.

    v.

    • LOVE LOVE LOVE this Ness, thanks for making me feel normal for having kids that are SO rude at parties, GRRR. What can we do 😦 And give me some indie folk music and buckets of coffee and valium and I’ll be a happy mumma for sure!
      Your membership is SO in the mail x Thanks for visit BTW

  32. Argh, what is with that disco music in shops?! And not just the vaguely hip clothes shops either. What happened to smooth jazz and elevator music? Sleeping baby in the pram!!

  33. I would most definitely be a started for your club! I am so over toddlers at the moment, made worse by the fact that I am so over being pregnant as well. Although why I think not being pregnant anymore will make a difference as I will then just have a newborn and a toddler to deal with and I don’t think that will actually make the toddler any easier to deal with!

    I’ve been trying all morning to get some IBOT commenting done but apparently Punky can’t dance without an audience. Which would be ok I could stand for longer than 5 minutes!

    #teamIBOT was here!

    • Umm, I have to say that things do seem a bit easier once baby is out, you aren’t as uncomfortable, and while you have less sleep, as least you can start to get in to a routine…. but in saying that, you get a VIP membership for having 2 kids in 2 years – BOOM πŸ™‚ xxx

  34. When’s the first meeting – I need to book my flight!! I was going to comment – Oh number 2 made me laugh, and then number 3 and then number 4………….and then I was at the end!! Too funny Em!! I hear you about the shop music!! I wish they’d put decent lights in there too – I can’t see what I’m trying on under a disco lamp!

    • Maybe you should just book your flight anyhow, I’m sure we’d have fun together! And yes I hear you about the dim lighting… I want to try on clothes not get nude in front of someone I’ve never met!!! πŸ˜‰

  35. laughing at everything except the closet which i really do want to come organise – it is in my genes! save me a glass of wine though and please tell me how i can get away with never feeding my children again.

  36. I had a giggle at number 7! Count me in too! Just make sure I don’t overdose on the wine and the chocolate!

  37. Touche to number 6 … but granny undies? hehe

  38. I laughed aloud when I read ‘I’ve basically been awake for the past five years.’ It wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t true. Poor you, those bloody 5am wake up calls. I had a 5.30am this week… we were making muffins by 6.15.. it used to happen all the time but now it’s quite rare… bt hate to break it to you that youngest is now 7… you’ve got a while. Time they all went to spend a few days with the rellies, no?

    • I wish I could offload them hun but they are still very young and SUPER high maintenance, as they grow I’ll do MUCH more of it. I bet you were not happy with 5.30 – especially as they’re older – but go you making muffins, you wee legend πŸ™‚

  39. Firstly, I have been awake since 4:15am! Secondly – if you live in Brisbane … I would LOVE to come and clean your cupboard πŸ™‚ Thirdly – totally agree about the loud music, try going to the cinema for a KIDS movie – I nearly had to put my earplugs in!! Cheers, Alison

  40. Thermomix as a kinky toy?? Heehee

    Sometimes I’d pretend my child was very tired so that I can just leave a party early as I’m the one that’s too tired! :p

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  41. Lol I’ll join that club, I’ll even embroider the patches to go on our leather jackets. I’m so far from the politically correct parent it’s not even funny. I’ve just learnt when it’s okay to express this and when I need to smile and nod wisely when someone offers to share their Mung bean casserole recipe with me (cos you and I know the kids are having Fruitloops for diner with chocolate milk) Whatever!

    • I love it – mung bean casserole! But even better Fruit Loops, or in my case cheese on toast, maybe… or bits and pieces I find leftover in the fridge! As long as the leather jackets are RED – I’m in πŸ™‚ Thanks for visit

  42. Hi Em, Oh I do love your stuff – I always get a laugh. Up for last 5 years – ain’t it the truth. Where do we sign up for the club?

  43. I have never cleaned an oven. Ever. And i intend to keep it that way πŸ˜‰

  44. I’ll be there! Great thoughts.

  45. Love this post and love your honesty. It has to get better as they grow older shouldn’t it?? Wine makes me fall asleep, so I’ll be there for the chocolate… actually wine might be good so I can have a whine and a nap to catch up on much needed sleep …. πŸ˜‰

    • Wine and chocolate, so you can sleep on the couch while eating buckets of the stuff! I’ve heard things just get more complicated, but that might be more up my alley, I’d like to think I’ll be able to parent better with less physical responsibility !

  46. I’m in, in, in!!! Do I get VIP entry? My hubby’s been working late for the past month so when my tupperware order arrived today with a very large banana holder, I accidentally placed it in my bedside drawer instead of my kitchen! πŸ™‚

  47. Freaking awesome fun πŸ™‚ I have a confession board on my site but you can never have enough places to download your dirty laundry πŸ™‚ Count me in.

    Jennifer
    thejennyevolution.com

  48. Yay for sure! Actually, I could do with a glass of the coping cordial right now…

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