I might set up a club, not the pole dancing type, the once-a-week meet and drink greet sort.
It’ll be a place where parents can confess their innermost thoughts, have a rant and say exactly what they think without fear of retribution.
You’ll be handed a bucket of coffee, wine, AND chocolate as you walk through the door to congratulate you for making it through another week of parenting.
The meetings won’t be well publicised or else someone will shut us down for being politically incorrect.
Okay so I’ll warm things up a bit with a some things I want to get off my chest.
1. I knew I should have married for money and not love (no offence to the Husband of course).
2. I often feign a sickness at dinner time because I can’t stand the kids moaning about how much they hate my meals.
3. For a start there I thought a Thermomix was a kinky toy – an expensive one at that!
4. The music is WAY too loud in retail shops these days – I’m trying to buy granny undies clothes not have a fugging dance party!
6. I wish all those organised people would stop trying to motivate me with positive posters and get their butts to my house and do the job for me.
7. When I said to my son: “I’m going to put you down” I meant on the ground, someone obviously took my comment WAY out of context.
8. No shit I’m cranky and look tired, I’ve basically been awake for the past five years with a few four-to-five hour breaks in between where I have been able to lie down and close my eyes.
9. If keeping my kids up later at night meant they’d sleep past 5.15am, I’d fed them blue lollies and throw them a disco party EVERY NIGHT.
10. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of my youngest, he’s like a member of the Cullen family (Twilight vampire reference), he epitomises gorgeousness so when he rips your head off you are taken completely off guard.
Do you have anything you want to get off your chest? Would you be a starter for my club? Are you sick of being woken at 5.15 EVERY MORNING?
Another IBOT with Jess @ Essentially Jess
July 23, 2013 at 8:36 am
Every mom has these secret confessions and all moms can relate to other moms’ rants and hilarious admissions! Because of this, I am compiling funny parenting thoughts for the upcoming online mom magazine http://www.MargaritaMommies.com. Go to http://www.mommyanonymous.com and give us your confessions and secrets! We’ll publish the best ones!
July 24, 2013 at 9:42 pm
Done and done Liz!!! I can’t wait to follow the online magazine, if you ever need someone to contribute…. x 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 8:37 am
My youngest (teenager) is still waking me at before the crack of dawn (only on school holidays mind you) to the sounds of some form of technology going off. On school days I yell, scream, throw a hissy fit and drag him from the covers just to get him to wake at 7am. A very crappy way to start the day. What is with that.
July 24, 2013 at 9:43 pm
I BET my boys will be like that Susan, and I have to say I dream of the days when I have to drag the covers off my kids x
July 23, 2013 at 8:43 am
I need to confess that I’ve decided that there are several parts of this parenting gig that don’t suit me. Accordingly I will out source them so I can focus on my goals of becoming James Bond/A rock star and having passionate weekends in wineries with my wife.
July 24, 2013 at 9:45 pm
Mmm passionate weekends in wineries sound fab! Surely if we put enough pressure on someone they will fold and take over our duties, JUST FOR A WEEKEND
July 23, 2013 at 8:53 am
I am THIS close to feeding my kids playdough for the rest of my days. Can you imagine how much I will save on my grocery bills??? So sick of food wastage!! I am so using the “kids are going hungry in the world” line on them as soon as they can understand what the hell I’m talking about! Always love you’re posts Em. Makes me feel normal because we usually share the same sentiment! xxx Luisa from The Motherhood Herald xxxx
July 24, 2013 at 9:47 pm
DO IT – they will LOVE all the colours that playdough provides! Even better get the edible stuff and you’ll be sorted!
And thanks for saying that I make you feel normal Luisa, it kinda makes me feel normal that you feel normal when reading what I write!
July 26, 2013 at 9:44 pm
I just took a sip of my drink and burst out laughing at this. Very Very funny!
July 23, 2013 at 9:18 am
Count me in. Political incorrectness is a hobby of mine.
Loves
July 24, 2013 at 9:47 pm
Really? I never knew that Mumabs xx
July 23, 2013 at 9:19 am
I think Kevin’s plan to outsource is brilliant – we live in a service society, there MUST be someone out there who is willing to pick up the slack in parenting…*crickets*
July 24, 2013 at 9:48 pm
They are called nannies, and I used to be one, but the only problem is – we LEAVE at night time, when all the bad shite happens 🙂 Thanks for visiting, come back soon 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 9:26 am
Oh God, my application to join is in the mail – vegemite fingerprints and all plus photographic evidence of one of my own cupboards which should automatically upgrade me to an executive role. Hope you’ve got a lanyard coming with my membership card! xx
July 24, 2013 at 9:54 pm
You’re totally in Shari, and I don’t need photographic evidence, I BELIEVE YOU 😉 Lanyard in the mail my friend 🙂 x
July 23, 2013 at 9:32 am
I’m in, I’m not sure I thoroughly read the contract before I became a parent, and thus feel like I’m on an uphill grind everyday, and have plenty to complain about. My favourite thing to yell at dinner time right now is: “USE THE FORK LUKE!… I mean Jack.” I had no idea how eating would be soooo frustrating and last for so long. Grrr. Thanks for the vent. xx
July 24, 2013 at 9:55 pm
At dinner time I leave the threats to dad, who they haven’t seen all day and so listen to! Mine have forks and NEVER use them – WHY NOT.. grrr
July 23, 2013 at 10:22 am
Count me in…but there’s always that moment when your all on a roll and then you say something, to be met with silence – and you’ve gone too far…or does that just happen to me? (my first mothers group was like that – we all decided that we couldn’t ALL be doing it wrong, so the books must be what you aimed for but never really happened – it was great!)
July 24, 2013 at 9:57 pm
I am SO that person always L – but I’m sure that is no surprise to you! Sharing is caring but over sharing is GOLD! xx
July 23, 2013 at 10:45 am
I was in at ‘meet & drink’! 🙂
July 24, 2013 at 9:57 pm
I knew you would be Jodie – great minds think alike that is why 😉 x
July 23, 2013 at 11:07 am
Any club that offers chocolate, wine and a whinge can count me in! 5.15am?!! That’s still the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!
July 24, 2013 at 9:58 pm
You are SO right Ness and that is what I say to them in my ultra cranky, don’t fug with me voice!
July 23, 2013 at 11:46 am
Yes, yes and yes. Start the club right now. I’m so in! I choked on my pizza when I read your number 10. Hilarious! I’m so over the loud music in stores too. At our DVD store on the weekend the chick working there had the movie blaring in the background. I was so close to telling her to turn it down. I leave my house to get AWAY from the noise. Sheesh. Kids of today.
July 24, 2013 at 10:00 pm
Mmmm pizza, and I hear you about getting out of the house for some peace and quiet xxx
July 23, 2013 at 11:48 am
Yes! Yes! I’m in. I’ll start off by saying I am so sick of bloggers who blog about how clean their house is and post photos of said houses with fresh flowers, polished floors and arty art work. Who lives like that????? (And yes I know I don’t have to read their blogs and I don’t but the images I’ve seen piss me off that much!) Yes it’s jealousy. Okay there, I said it.
July 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm
I agree completely, I look at them and think “shit burgers, why can’t that be me?” Then I realise that if I had said tidy house that was perfect then I wouldn’t be me. Does that even make sense Jods? 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 11:55 am
Where do I sign up?? I’m having a grumpy week/year/life, so could do with some back-up ASAP! P.S. My kids used to wake up at a similarly barbaric hour, I solved this problem by screaming “MUMMY’S STILL ASLEEP” at them and putting my head under the pillow. It works!
July 24, 2013 at 10:02 pm
I do try that, but because mine are so young they are prone to going into the fridge, cupboard, pantry and pulling out knives, milk, crockery and THROWING that shit around the room 😦
July 23, 2013 at 2:38 pm
I’m in! I’ll be secretary or treasurer or just door greeter, just let me in! As for the overly organized…..that’s just not on!
Great giggle as usual Em xx
July 24, 2013 at 10:04 pm
I had you at the top of my list for sure hun… but maybe I’ll make you wine taster? WAY MORE exciting than treasurer! 😉 x
July 23, 2013 at 3:07 pm
Coffee, wine AND chocolate, give me the form and a pen!!!!!!! My girls are teens and are experienced sleeper-iners, now it’s me who starts work at 5am that is the issue 🙂 xxx Nikki @ Wonderfully Women
July 24, 2013 at 10:05 pm
Oh Nikki I take my hat off to you – ouch that is early. Mine you the hubby is up at 4.30 and being the horrible light sleeper that I am, so am I 😦 I can’t wait til my teens wake at nicer hours 🙂 Thanks for visit!
July 23, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Ha ha love it, count me in! ;-D
July 24, 2013 at 10:05 pm
You will defo need to be here once those gorgeous twins arrive xx
July 23, 2013 at 4:43 pm
Yes, yes and yes!
I am very pleased with the coffee, wine and chocolate – you may have a hard time getting me to leave 🙂
You know, I don’t know if I could sleep in if given the opportunity (unless its alcohol induced). I have an uncanny knack for waking up about 5 minutes before my son comes in. It would be nice though….
July 24, 2013 at 10:06 pm
WE ARE THE SAME PERSON!! Yes and yes about the sleeping unless there is alcomahole involved…. and maybe I won’t let you leave the club 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Oh, darling! I hope the early starts get better for you. My two are now 7 and 10 and thankfully let me sleep in on weekends until I see fit to get up and feed them. Thank goodness for the Xbox and Wii!
July 24, 2013 at 10:07 pm
I can’t wait for those years Dorothy, and thanks for the glimmer of light at the end of the toddler hell tunnel!!! Have to love gadgets 🙂 x
July 23, 2013 at 5:15 pm
You should link this up at I Must Confess! I have the opposite problem to the early starts at the moment, my two eldest are sleeping in. Which is awesome on the weekend but quite painful on weekday mornings when I’m trying to get three kids and myself dressed semi appropriately and out the door by 8.30am!
July 24, 2013 at 10:09 pm
I did link and PROMISE I’ll try and do more often Kirst. I would LOVE a sleep in, in fact if I knew they were going to sleep in I’d get ALL my shit together the night before, but for me it’s just not going to happen. I hope things are going smoothly with the soon to be move! xx
July 23, 2013 at 6:37 pm
Ha, I love that my friend rang me at 10.00am on Sunday and I was still asleep. She has two little kids. When I told her I was asleep she told me quite firmly that she HATED me……..ah but I LOVE myself for that ability!
July 24, 2013 at 10:10 pm
Try and hold on to that ability FOREVER girl 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 6:40 pm
You had me at bucket of wine! I’m in x
July 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm
Em! I’m not a parent yet but please can I be part of your club! I have a few things I really need to get out of my chest!
July 24, 2013 at 10:10 pm
Rita, you will always have a place, especially if you can teach me how to knit properly!! xx
July 23, 2013 at 7:25 pm
Can we get a hot bartender, please? I’ll join right now.
July 24, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Damn we sure can Mrs H – any suggestions?
July 23, 2013 at 7:34 pm
Love it Em. Your cupboard looks awfully familiar…you sure that wasn’t my house? Um, I’m sure there’s heaps I need to get off my chest, but I am hopeless when put on the spot! Maybe – please don’t judge me because I stop the exercise class to pick up my baby who is now screaming in distress. Sure you will have a million members.
July 24, 2013 at 10:13 pm
I would have never imagined you had a messy cupboard, PHEW you are not as perfect as your gorgeous self looks! 🙂 x
July 23, 2013 at 7:46 pm
Couldn’t agree more with number four! (Hey I’m a poet and didn’t know it …)
July 24, 2013 at 10:14 pm
It’s like they want to chase us oldies away – BOO 😦
July 23, 2013 at 9:18 pm
I have a Robomaid, a dishwasher, two self-cleaning ovens, a washing machine and dryer, and I STILL can’t keep my house clean. I would have been the worst 20s housewife EVER. LET THE CONFESSION CLEANSINGNESS BEGIN.
July 24, 2013 at 10:15 pm
I am envious of all your cleaning gadgets Em – my house hates me, I just give it a slap and tickle a few times a week and expect it to suck it up in regards to cleanliness. Oh well 🙂
July 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm
I think you’ve just started that club right here! I totally agree with the 5.15 issue. And sometimes I even DO let them stay up late just to be optimistic, but it never works. It just makes ME more tired. Hope you feel better after a whinge!
July 24, 2013 at 10:16 pm
Yes I also try the old – if you stay up later you have to sleep in schmoz. But it never works. Gotta love a good whinge Lara x
July 23, 2013 at 10:07 pm
Did someone say wine? Um yep Im all for getting things off my chest – including the zillion and one lies I have been telling my husband and my kids lately. Hey it was all justifiable! x
July 24, 2013 at 10:17 pm
I think a good whine/wine is sometimes the only way to get through all the guff that we have to put up with – thanks for visit Sonia, come back soon!
July 23, 2013 at 11:25 pm
I’m not a parent but I still really wanna join your club….please please please…..I have a habit of saying what I’m thinking. I thought the first time my boss referred to a Wednesday as Hump day that she was being wildly inappropriate and revealing stuff about her sex life……I can’t keep towels in my linen cupboard anymore cause everytime I open the door it’s Russian roulette of not wanting to be hit by fly away objects xx
July 24, 2013 at 10:18 pm
You’re totally in girl, you are like me, honest and upfront and call it as you see it! I also have a cupboard that throws towels at me, not cool man, NOT COOL!
July 24, 2013 at 8:48 am
I want to join too! No wine for me but I’ll take a bucket of coffee and a bottle of Valium to even me out, thanks. While I’m laying back enjoying the politically incorrect banter around your club (with appropriately volumed music of the laid back indie folk, singer/songwriter kind) while the great organisers of this parenting world can sort out my cupboards (after yours of course). After they are done with that those perfect parenting types can teach my son boundaries, sharing and how to appropriately behave at other kids’ birthday parties so next time I’m not humiliated to the point of tears.
I’ll look forward to getting my membership card in the mail.
v.
July 24, 2013 at 10:20 pm
LOVE LOVE LOVE this Ness, thanks for making me feel normal for having kids that are SO rude at parties, GRRR. What can we do 😦 And give me some indie folk music and buckets of coffee and valium and I’ll be a happy mumma for sure!
Your membership is SO in the mail x Thanks for visit BTW
July 24, 2013 at 8:55 am
Argh, what is with that disco music in shops?! And not just the vaguely hip clothes shops either. What happened to smooth jazz and elevator music? Sleeping baby in the pram!!
July 24, 2013 at 10:21 pm
Drives me batty that SHITE they play in shops, give me slow, boring elevator music ANY DAY! x
July 24, 2013 at 9:47 am
I would most definitely be a started for your club! I am so over toddlers at the moment, made worse by the fact that I am so over being pregnant as well. Although why I think not being pregnant anymore will make a difference as I will then just have a newborn and a toddler to deal with and I don’t think that will actually make the toddler any easier to deal with!
I’ve been trying all morning to get some IBOT commenting done but apparently Punky can’t dance without an audience. Which would be ok I could stand for longer than 5 minutes!
#teamIBOT was here!
July 24, 2013 at 10:22 pm
Umm, I have to say that things do seem a bit easier once baby is out, you aren’t as uncomfortable, and while you have less sleep, as least you can start to get in to a routine…. but in saying that, you get a VIP membership for having 2 kids in 2 years – BOOM 🙂 xxx
July 24, 2013 at 10:53 am
When’s the first meeting – I need to book my flight!! I was going to comment – Oh number 2 made me laugh, and then number 3 and then number 4………….and then I was at the end!! Too funny Em!! I hear you about the shop music!! I wish they’d put decent lights in there too – I can’t see what I’m trying on under a disco lamp!
July 24, 2013 at 10:23 pm
Maybe you should just book your flight anyhow, I’m sure we’d have fun together! And yes I hear you about the dim lighting… I want to try on clothes not get nude in front of someone I’ve never met!!! 😉
July 24, 2013 at 6:29 pm
laughing at everything except the closet which i really do want to come organise – it is in my genes! save me a glass of wine though and please tell me how i can get away with never feeding my children again.
July 24, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Deb – you’re on – I will gladly open my doors to your lovely self ANY TIME! Kids and food, who knew it would be such a mind fug? xxx
July 24, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Sign me up!!!!
July 24, 2013 at 10:25 pm
Of course, it goes without saying “Mrs soon to be a mother of three” 🙂 xx
July 24, 2013 at 9:28 pm
I had a giggle at number 7! Count me in too! Just make sure I don’t overdose on the wine and the chocolate!
July 24, 2013 at 10:26 pm
YAY someone loved that, bless your cotton socks G! As for not overdosing on wine and chocolate, I’ll make sure you do ALL of that come September 😉 xxx
July 24, 2013 at 9:41 pm
Touche to number 6 … but granny undies? hehe
July 24, 2013 at 10:09 pm
I know – I had to embellish a bit!! xx
July 25, 2013 at 4:34 pm
I laughed aloud when I read ‘I’ve basically been awake for the past five years.’ It wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t true. Poor you, those bloody 5am wake up calls. I had a 5.30am this week… we were making muffins by 6.15.. it used to happen all the time but now it’s quite rare… bt hate to break it to you that youngest is now 7… you’ve got a while. Time they all went to spend a few days with the rellies, no?
July 25, 2013 at 7:49 pm
I wish I could offload them hun but they are still very young and SUPER high maintenance, as they grow I’ll do MUCH more of it. I bet you were not happy with 5.30 – especially as they’re older – but go you making muffins, you wee legend 🙂
July 26, 2013 at 8:38 am
Firstly, I have been awake since 4:15am! Secondly – if you live in Brisbane … I would LOVE to come and clean your cupboard 🙂 Thirdly – totally agree about the loud music, try going to the cinema for a KIDS movie – I nearly had to put my earplugs in!! Cheers, Alison
July 30, 2013 at 2:24 pm
NO WAY, that is too early. Those kids movies that are loud are freaky 🙂
July 26, 2013 at 8:47 am
Thermomix as a kinky toy?? Heehee
Sometimes I’d pretend my child was very tired so that I can just leave a party early as I’m the one that’s too tired! :p
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
July 30, 2013 at 2:25 pm
That is a great one Ai and I’ve totally done the same – very clever move I think 🙂
July 26, 2013 at 11:01 am
Lol I’ll join that club, I’ll even embroider the patches to go on our leather jackets. I’m so far from the politically correct parent it’s not even funny. I’ve just learnt when it’s okay to express this and when I need to smile and nod wisely when someone offers to share their Mung bean casserole recipe with me (cos you and I know the kids are having Fruitloops for diner with chocolate milk) Whatever!
July 30, 2013 at 2:27 pm
I love it – mung bean casserole! But even better Fruit Loops, or in my case cheese on toast, maybe… or bits and pieces I find leftover in the fridge! As long as the leather jackets are RED – I’m in 🙂 Thanks for visit
July 26, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Hi Em, Oh I do love your stuff – I always get a laugh. Up for last 5 years – ain’t it the truth. Where do we sign up for the club?
July 30, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Maybe I should start a virtual club Leanne as we barely have time to blog these days, yet alone attend an actual club 🙂 Em x
July 26, 2013 at 3:18 pm
I have never cleaned an oven. Ever. And i intend to keep it that way 😉
July 30, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Funny neither have I – my mum always offers to do it and I never say no – funny that 😉
July 26, 2013 at 7:51 pm
I’ll be there! Great thoughts.
July 30, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Great, I’ll have a reserved seat for you Judy – I hope things are going well with the new job hunting 🙂
July 26, 2013 at 8:07 pm
Love this post and love your honesty. It has to get better as they grow older shouldn’t it?? Wine makes me fall asleep, so I’ll be there for the chocolate… actually wine might be good so I can have a whine and a nap to catch up on much needed sleep …. 😉
July 30, 2013 at 2:30 pm
Wine and chocolate, so you can sleep on the couch while eating buckets of the stuff! I’ve heard things just get more complicated, but that might be more up my alley, I’d like to think I’ll be able to parent better with less physical responsibility !
July 26, 2013 at 9:48 pm
I’m in, in, in!!! Do I get VIP entry? My hubby’s been working late for the past month so when my tupperware order arrived today with a very large banana holder, I accidentally placed it in my bedside drawer instead of my kitchen! 🙂
July 30, 2013 at 2:30 pm
LMAO Neets, you and your banana holder are SO IN MY CLUB!!! 🙂 xxx
July 27, 2013 at 8:06 am
Freaking awesome fun 🙂 I have a confession board on my site but you can never have enough places to download your dirty laundry 🙂 Count me in.
Jennifer
thejennyevolution.com
July 30, 2013 at 2:31 pm
Yes dirty laundry best to post everywhere! I’ll have to go and check out your board Jenny – thanks for visit 🙂
July 28, 2013 at 5:47 pm
Yay for sure! Actually, I could do with a glass of the coping cordial right now…
July 30, 2013 at 2:31 pm
Hope you got through your Sunday Danya – Have a great week 🙂 Em