This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.
Dear Mumma,
Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!
And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.
(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)
Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job – seriously – a HAIR TIE?
Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:
DRESS SENSE
I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?
For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?
And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.
Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!
As for this hat – talk about embarrassing, it’s tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!
FEED ME NOW
As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.
I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.
For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?
You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I’m drinking ma milk!
YOU’RE A SLOB
And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?
I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.
Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!
See mum – this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin – use this dustpan and brush to clean up – it’s THAT EASY!
This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuffed full of crap!
ESCAPE IS FUTILE
Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.
I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!
BOOM!
HAIR
Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!
This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!
If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.
If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?
Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess
Have a laugh on me 
July 30, 2013 at 10:15 am
LOL – so funny !
Have the best day !
Me
July 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm
Thanks, I hope you have loved the sunshine today!
July 30, 2013 at 10:25 am
Hahahahaha!!! I’m a cradle-cap picker too – one arm in a ‘cuddle’ and the other grooming her LOL. Have to say that the tartan floppy is fetching, love a good brimmed hat! xxx
July 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm
A large brimmed hat is best, just not so ‘cool’ as a cap! x
July 30, 2013 at 11:05 am
Yes Master M would get angry at me for the cradle cap picking! Miss Z would get cranky for the fact that I dress her so much like a tom boy (as I myself was, and still kinda is one!) Both would tell me I am not quick enough to get food on the table, and when they say they are hungry they mean they should have been eating 20 minutes minutes ago. 🙂
July 31, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Mine always want dinner NOW NOW NOW! I dressed my girl a bit like that – as I was the same! But now she older and has a mind of her own she wants skirts, so that’s kinda cool too 🙂 x
July 30, 2013 at 11:33 am
Too Funny! My daughter would probably write something similar but instead of the scalp it would be something like “why do we have to go through hair brushing everyday, just leave it, eventually it will fashionable dread locks.”
July 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm
Ha ha Eleise, too true! Although most of my hair brushing/spraying/putting hair up is so the nits stay away! itch itch itch !
July 30, 2013 at 11:45 am
I love this Em! But seriously, does he have to do ALL the housework? I love the look you’re getting as he’s putting the dustpan away, classic! xx
July 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm
Ha Ha Lis – why stop him right?? xx
July 30, 2013 at 12:26 pm
Love the faces in those photos! Especially the dust pan facial he’s giving you. I’m fairly sure Addison would tell me to exercise more and talk less. Right now she’s content just saying No and whacking me. xxx
July 31, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I also get the whacking – WTF is up with that – NOT COOL! xx
July 30, 2013 at 1:12 pm
My P2 says “aye” to all of the above.
July 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm
I didn’t know you had Scottish offspring?
July 30, 2013 at 1:30 pm
What a cute little ratbag you have there 😉
July 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
Takes after his mum OF COURSE – not really but WHATEVER x
July 30, 2013 at 2:01 pm
Lol. Tan track pants? Come on mum, that is not cool. It reminds me of when my mum dressed me in a brown skivvy and brown cords. Yes, it was the seventies, but come on!
July 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm
Yes I have to say they are NOT HOT – and I even put him in them today – SHAME ON ME x
July 30, 2013 at 2:06 pm
My son loves to help with the housework. I say keep up the good work!
Becc
July 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm
I agree, if he wants to help who am I to say no! He loves a bit of dusting also x 🙂
July 30, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Oh if looks could kill Mumma! I think my Mr 4 could have written this letter too!
July 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm
If looks could kill T I’d be dead YEARS ago xx
July 30, 2013 at 2:55 pm
Haha, love it. My youngest would concur with the cradle cap. But I’m sure he likes the hair-brushing part! x
July 31, 2013 at 8:38 pm
I love doing it without a wet scalp which isn’t nice – but I’m changing my ways 🙂 xx
July 30, 2013 at 3:50 pm
Today mine would say “Gimme the freakin dummy. I know the bloody thing isn’t lost, so cough it up biyatch!
July 31, 2013 at 8:39 pm
I bet she is over by now?? It only took a few days for mine to get over it! x
July 30, 2013 at 4:53 pm
This is brilliant! My four year old tells me exactly what he thinks – ALL the time! He has told me to get out of the track pants and put on jeans….and even told me that maybe I should wash my hair tonight! Funny little buggers 😉 Josefa from #teamIBOT
July 31, 2013 at 8:39 pm
If mine had that much sense they’d tell me wash hair, go to bed and wake up at 7pm! (two hours after they are awake) x
July 30, 2013 at 8:38 pm
Ha! I love this! My youngest is still under 1, so quite frankly if he could write me letter explaining what all the non-hunger/tired crying was about, I’d be grateful! As for my other two, they’re both more than happy to tell me exactly what they think. Even my two-year-old will tell me “No Mummy! Don’t sing. It’s not kind!”
July 31, 2013 at 8:40 pm
That is SO funny, eg singing not kind! Mine just laugh when I try to sing – and dance 🙂
July 30, 2013 at 8:44 pm
Gorgeous little man! The hair tie is a bit rough Em, cute as all heck though!! 🙂 I’m not sure what my youngest would say – she does squeal a LOT – so i think it’d be pretty dramatic!! 🙂
July 31, 2013 at 8:41 pm
He actually hands me the hair ties, thinks he wants to look like his sis! xx
July 30, 2013 at 9:03 pm
Who can resist a little scratch at The Cap??
I’ve wondered if they find my morning breath as offensive as their Dad does?? They always seem happy to see me. Well, so does he, come to think of it 😉
July 31, 2013 at 8:41 pm
The Cradle Crap is the BEST! Morning breath, POO x
July 30, 2013 at 9:39 pm
Hahaha! You’re hilarious Em!
July 31, 2013 at 8:42 pm
Sorry I haven’t visited much Rita, but I’m getting there xx
July 30, 2013 at 9:44 pm
Let’s just be thankful they can’t say it all for a while, huh? My two NEVER SHUT UP. 🙂
July 31, 2013 at 8:43 pm
I suppose you are right, but I think that I’m a better speaker/communicator than a doer so maybe I’ll LOVE it when they’re older – YEAH RIGHT!
July 30, 2013 at 9:54 pm
So funny and so cute :-). My little one is the same age and it doesn’t matter that he can’t talk, they are so expressive with their facial features at that age aren’t they? One look let’s me know exactly what he’s thinking. Looks like your little man is the same – such an expressive, gorgeous little face!
July 31, 2013 at 8:44 pm
Yep they can express a million things with a few looks! Our boys sound the same for sure 🙂
July 30, 2013 at 9:59 pm
Wow 22 month olds are smart and so funny. Go you good Mum.
July 31, 2013 at 8:45 pm
They sure are! x
July 31, 2013 at 8:41 pm
My 22 month old would say: You don’t need to sleep in a big bed with Daddy – there’s plenty of room in my bed!
July 31, 2013 at 8:45 pm
Mine say that ALL the time – CUTE xx
July 31, 2013 at 10:55 pm
Oh em gee! Soooo funny.
August 1, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Awesome as always Emily, Kimx
August 1, 2013 at 6:45 pm
You’re too kind Kim x
August 1, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Hilarious. I think mine would probably say the same thing but in a far bossier tone. She’s a dictator in the making! 🙂
August 2, 2013 at 8:36 am
I’m dreading when he can actually speak clearly to me – I’m going to be in big trouble, my bossy youngest child!!
August 2, 2013 at 8:48 am
I love this!! It all sounds pretty familiar actually… Except for thr mismatched socks. That part will be told to the boy as he does that haha
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
August 2, 2013 at 8:58 am
Ha ha, I figure that no one really seems them!! Thanks for visit Ai xx
August 2, 2013 at 9:07 am
Awesome, Em! My kids would say a lot of the same things. Do you think kindy judges me for sending the kids with holes in their trackies? I mean, they’re only going to get more, right? And the crumbs… yes! Love this, thanks for the laugh.
August 7, 2013 at 11:25 am
I also send my kids to kindy in their old clothes, what’s the point?
August 2, 2013 at 9:13 am
Good one Emily! Ooh, that cradle cap eh? It just sits there TAUNTING you doesn’t it? I dread to think what mine would say if I could see inside their little minds. I suspect it would be very similar!
August 7, 2013 at 11:26 am
It sure does Lara, I just LOVE LOVE to pick it, how sad am I??
August 2, 2013 at 9:27 am
Hahaha – hilarious! I have a photo of my Twin2 at around the same age with his hair done in just the same way. It’ll be a great one to bring out at his 21st (which is November this year!). Love the shots of him doing the housework. Geez child labour or what! 😉 lol x
August 7, 2013 at 11:26 am
Yes I’m all for child labour in my house – if only I could teach them to do the washing!! Thanks for visit Min xxx
August 2, 2013 at 12:10 pm
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh, Em. What is it with socks anyway? I don’t think my kids have a single matching pair anymore.
August 7, 2013 at 11:27 am
SOCKS SUCK – why don’t like they each other, so sad 😦
August 2, 2013 at 2:59 pm
But the cradle cap is just so much fun to pick!!!!
August 7, 2013 at 11:27 am
My oldest hates it when I try and get hers – I obviously don’t get out much 😦 xx
August 2, 2013 at 9:31 pm
You’re little boy has very advanced language/ English skills! My 22 month old has never worn a pair of matching socks. My 3 year old still has a little cradle cap, and fights me any time I go near it.
August 7, 2013 at 11:28 am
He sure does hun – but I suspect his vocab would be much stronger than I guessed 🙂
August 2, 2013 at 9:46 pm
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it Emily?
August 7, 2013 at 11:28 am
Ha ha – that’s for sure Steph xx
August 4, 2013 at 8:53 pm
So funny!
What IS with the odd sock thing! I have a whole bag!!
August 7, 2013 at 11:28 am
I’ve often thrown them out – just annoys me too much Bek – thanks for visit 🙂
August 15, 2013 at 9:38 pm
That is too funny! You could put words in my daughter’s mouth just like that and it would be a perfect match. We had better not let them two of them get together, no one would be safe!
August 18, 2013 at 9:28 pm
I hear you Em – they will be BIG TROUBLE, isn’t it amazing how aware they are at such a young age? Thanks for visit lovely 🙂 x