Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


67 Comments

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates – it’s like a board game!

Forrest Gump’s mama got it all wrong – life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s like a board game!

Indulge me if you will, while I attempt to associate the names of the below games to what it’s like to be a parent.

SCRABBLE

What you will be doing from the moment you child is born, whether it’s figuring out how to swaddle them, holding on to a runaway toddler or stopping them from body slamming their brother.

You will also scrabbling for money, to get them to school on time and to explain to your inquisitive kids what ‘adult cuddles’ are.

Surely this has got to win me the game!

Surely this has got to win me the game!

KERPLUNK

What happens to your uterus once you have kids, say goodbye to carefree bouncing on the trampoline or laughing without fear!

For dads, this is what will happen to your sex life.

You will also lose your marbles over and over again.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS

Your life will revolved around feeding, or attempting to feed children.

If you have grazers you should put a stool in your pantry or kitchen and sit there for the entire day because you’ll be asked to hand out food every 30 to 45 minutes!.

TWISTER

It’s highly likely kids will “twist her” around the bend with their questions, repetition of the word ‘mum’ and their ability to poo just as your strap them in their car seat.

Parents will also be twisted and pulled in so many directions that they’ll often end up collapsing in a heap!

This is the classic version, just so you know there are many new takes on it, especially kinky ones (for those of you wanting to spice things up a bit) Image source

This is the classic version, just so you know there are many new takes on it, especially kinky ones (for those of you wanting to spice things up a bit). Image source

SNAKES AND LADDERS

Life is now full of ups and downs and just when you think you’ve got it sussed, you’ll have to start at the bottom and work you way back to the top again!

But there will also be some amazing highs that you didn’t realise existed until you had children.

CLUEDO

Most days you’ll have no clue in regards to what you are doing, but if you wing it, trust your instincts and NEVER read parenting books you’ll get there.

There’ll also be days when you’ll accuse Professor Plum of hitting Colonel Mustard on the head with a candlestick – whereas in actual fact it was Colonel Mustard who started the shit fight by tying Professor Plum up with a rope!

Wasn't this one of the best games EVER!  Image source

Wasn’t this one of the best games EVER!
Image source

TROUBLE

A word that you will approx about 5460 times* to your child to your child before they are 15.

Something your partner will be in if s/he wakes up a baby you have spent FOREVER trying to get to sleep.

They sure don't make 'em like this anymore.  Image source

They sure don’t make ’em like this anymore, the bobble thing in the middle isn’t as sturdy that’s for sure.
Image source

And if you are wondering why I have left much-loved Monopoly off the list, well it’s because.. I HAVE NEVER PLAYED MONOPOLY – EVER!

Yes it’s highly likely that I’m in the 10th percentile of people my age who haven’t played this game.

That’s my claim to fame and I’m sticking with it!

What board game represents your life right now? What game have you never played? Anyone want to come over and show me the big deal with Monopoly is?

*(I calculated this by the fact you probably say it once a day every day for about 15 years – I’m sure there are days when the word ‘trouble’ is not said at all, but others when it’s used four or five times a day.)

It’s Tuesday, I’m off to the dentist (BOO) but I’m linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess

Advertisements


28 Comments

Why some beauty DIY jobs are best left to the pros!

You’d have to be a slice short of a sandwich to attempt tricky DIY electrical or plumbing work without qualifications.

But a lot of idiots peeps do – these sort of clever clogs also lick steak knives and put metal things in toasters that are turned on.

So many jobs are best left to the professionals, especially things such as cooking, cleaning, and crafting ;).

I couldn't have said it better myself - well just a little bit better, maybe.

I couldn’t have said it better myself – well just a little bit better, maybe.

But also it’s probably wise to think twice about doing beauty-related jobs yourself.

Three things to avoid if you want to avert a DIY beauty disaster.

1. HAIRY MACLARY

A Brazilian or back, sack and crack wax – sorry for the frightening mental image that might be floating around in your head right now!

But truly – you’re treading on dangerous turf hair, best to leave this job for the experts.

2. MONO BROW

Using tweezers when you’re drunk – you could get carried away and end up looking like this:

DAMN those are some bad eyebrows! Image source

DAMN those are some bad eyebrows! Image source

3. HAIR DYEING

As a fearless teenager, I must confess I had many a DIY hair disaster, and looking back at photos such as the ones below, I can now see why I wasn’t the town bike :(.

Behold, here is a pictorial of “The pink hair incident of 1995”.

BEFORE

Not content with a reasonably nice mousy blonde hair colour, I take matters in to my own hands

Not content with a reasonably nice mousy blonde hair colour, I take matters in to my own hands.

DURING

My friend, whose house we did the dye job at, graciously took these very unflattering pics of me!

I have to thank my friend (the photographer) for letting me do this at her house – and for all those nights I crashed at your place as a teenager, you’re a legend!

AFTER

BOOM  - instant pink!

BOOM – instant pink! And notice how I’m rocking the bright red lippie, what a horn bag right?

What DIY job will you NOT attempt, no matter how much money or time it would save you?

Alright so give a dog a bone here peeps, please link up a post, something, ANYTHING, I’m not fussy!

I have to prove to Kirsty @ My Home Truths that I’m not the worst link-up host in the entire galaxy.

I-Must-Confess-Button-e1320483478646

I Must Confess is a link up that runs every Monday and remains live for the whole week.
You can link up something old or new, weโ€™re not fussy around here.
Feel free to go with the prompt for the week or add your own confession, whatever suits.
Please go forth and share the comment love โ€“ it is bloggy crack after all!

Next week’s prompt, finish this sentence: “I must confess I am the biggest…”


37 Comments

A glass of wine bigger than my head…. and sparklers – Wordless Wednesday

My friend captured this awesome photo with her iPhone, sparkler magic!

My friend captured this awesome photo with her iPhone, sparkler magic!

It really is as big as it looks - the glass that is - not my tongue!!

It really is as big as it looks – the glass that is – not my tongue!!

We weren't TOO silly and still managed to take the kids out for a 4km bike/run around the lake and play afterwards!

We weren’t TOO silly and still managed to take the kids out for a 4km bike/run (crawl in my case) around the lake and play afterwards!

It’s Wordless Wednesday and I join in the fun over at

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


69 Comments

I just got a written warning from my 22-month-old!

This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.

Dear Mumma,

Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!

And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.

(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job - seriously - a HAIR TIE?

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job – seriously – a HAIR TIE?

Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:

DRESS SENSE

I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?

For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?

And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.

Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!

As for this hat - talk about embarrassing, it's tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

As for this hat – talk about embarrassing, it’s tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

FEED ME NOW

As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.

I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.

For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I'm on drinking ma milk!

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I’m drinking ma milk!

YOU’RE A SLOB

And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?

I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.

Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!

See mum - this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin - use this dustpan and brush to clean up - it's THAT EASY!

See mum – this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin – use this dustpan and brush to clean up – it’s THAT EASY!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuff full of crap!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuffed full of crap!

ESCAPE IS FUTILE

Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.

I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!

BOOM!

HAIR

Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!

This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!

If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.

xAR

If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?

Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess


44 Comments

Two of my favourite images ever – Wordless Wednesday

Since the arrival of our gorgeous third-born we haven’t had any proper family photos taken.

But here is one that my daughter drew just after her youngest brother was born nearly two years ago.

It sits proudly on a table at the entrance to our home:

fdasfw

And here is one that got taken 6 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with No.3!

arewer

Another Wordless Wednesday post:

Linking with a trio of bloggers I love:

Trish at My Little Drummer Boys

My Little Drummer Boys

Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye

And Ai at Sakura Haruka


98 Comments

Wanna join my club where parents can make wildly inappropriate comments and confessions?

I might set up a club, not the pole dancing type, the once-a-week meet and drink greet sort.

It’ll be a place where parents can confess their innermost thoughts, have a rant and say exactly what they think without fear of retribution.

You’ll be handed a bucket of coffee, wine, AND chocolate as you walk through the door to congratulate you for making it through another week of parenting.

fadf

The meetings won’t be well publicised or else someone will shut us down for being politically incorrect.

I couldn't agree more!

I couldn’t agree more!

Okay so I’ll warm things up a bit with a some things I want to get off my chest.

1. I knew I should have married for money and not love (no offence to the Husband of course).

I don't need to state the obvious do I?  Image source

I don’t need to state the obvious do I?
Image source

2. I often feign a sickness at dinner time because I can’t stand the kids moaning about how much they hate my meals.

3. For a start there I thought a Thermomix was a kinky toy – an expensive one at that!

4. The music is WAY too loud in retail shops these days – I’m trying to buy granny undies clothes not have a fugging dance party!

6. I wish all those organised people would stop trying to motivate me with positive posters and get their butts to my house and do the job for me.

Yes - this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

Yes – this is one of my cupboards, any volunteers to come sort it out? Thought not

7. When I said to my son: “I’m going to put you down” I meant on the ground, someone obviously took my comment WAY out of context.

The son I often threaten to "put down".

The son I often threaten to “put down”.

8. No shit I’m cranky and look tired, I’ve basically been awake for the past five years with a few four-to-five hour breaks in between where I have been able to lie down and close my eyes.

9. If keeping my kids up later at night meant they’d sleep past 5.15am, I’d fed them blue lollies and throw them a disco party EVERY NIGHT.

10. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of my youngest, he’s like a member of the Cullen family (Twilight vampire reference), he epitomises gorgeousness so when he rips your head off you are taken completely off guard.

No family is this good looking - well except mine of course.  Image source

No family is this good looking – well except mine of course.
Image source

Do you have anything you want to get off your chest? Would you be a starter for my club? Are you sick of being woken at 5.15 EVERY MORNING?

Another IBOT with Jess @ Essentially Jess


63 Comments

Why I’d ride a camel, and confessing I have nibbled on rubbers!

I’m not exactly sure that what I’m about to post is kosher!

But I was recently given a virtual ‘pat on the back’ by Jess @ Essentially Jess.

She asked me to be the BLOGGER OF THE MO – how could I refuse!

bloggerofmo

Yes I know, talk about being up myself, but I wanted to share the Q&A’s with you all – because the questions were pretty hairy!

So indulge me fellow bloggers – it is FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY after all ๐Ÿ™‚

What is the most random thing you have ever eaten?

As a kid I used to LOVE nibbling on rubbers, and no I’m not talking about root suits, aka condoms, I grew up in New Zealand and we call erasers rubbers.

I also had a taste for paper, yep the stuff you write on, nothing too flashy or thick, just your garden variety A4, lined stuff.

Oh and mum told me I used to eat the dead flies from under the window sills because I thought they were raisins – YUMMO!

GROSS - I can't believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source

GROSS – I can’t believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source


Would you rather ride on a puppy dog for 1km or a camel for 100km?

Seriously, a puppy dog? Is that a trick question? Because have you seen the size of me? I would kill a puppy dog if I rode on one and I have enough to feel guilty about in my life.

As for a camel, I do like a bit of a hump.

If you were a colour what would you be?

I’d like to say red because I’m pretty outgoing and slightly angry – but then again I wear a lot of black, not because I’m having Goth crisis but because it hides my muffin top.

You’re in a karaoke bar and you have to sing: what song is it going to be?

My singing voice is crap so I’m probably going to belt out a song that actually doesn’t need singing – like a rap – Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady for example.

I’ll even turn my hat around backwards, drop my pants a bit so you could see my butt crack and throw in a few YO YO MOFOs!

Isn't this a cracker of a shirt?  Image source

Isn’t this a cracker of a shirt? Image source

You must choose between only having either chocolate or alcohol for the rest of your life. Which will it be?

You all know I’m going to say: “Hi, I’m Emily and I choose you alcohol”.

But I pride myself on being able to overcome any obstacle so I’m going to pick a chocolate liqueur – two birds, one stone – BOOM!

So tell me – what is the weirdest thing you have eaten? And would you ride a puppy or a camel?

Do you get the IBOT monthly newsletter? Here is the most recent one so have a look and sign up!

FLOGGIN’ thanks to Grace @ With Some Grace

fybf