Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


69 Comments

I just got a written warning from my 22-month-old!

This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.

Dear Mumma,

Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!

And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.

(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job - seriously - a HAIR TIE?

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job – seriously – a HAIR TIE?

Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:

DRESS SENSE

I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?

For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?

And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.

Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!

As for this hat - talk about embarrassing, it's tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

As for this hat – talk about embarrassing, it’s tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

FEED ME NOW

As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.

I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.

For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I'm on drinking ma milk!

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I’m drinking ma milk!

YOU’RE A SLOB

And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?

I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.

Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!

See mum - this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin - use this dustpan and brush to clean up - it's THAT EASY!

See mum – this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin – use this dustpan and brush to clean up – it’s THAT EASY!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuff full of crap!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuffed full of crap!

ESCAPE IS FUTILE

Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.

I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!

BOOM!

HAIR

Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!

This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!

If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.

xAR

If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?

Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess

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64 Comments

Have you had an unwanted visitor who turns you in to a social leper?

Sickness arrived our house about a week ago and WON’T BLOODY LEAVE!

My poor wee muffins are battling high temps, endless amounts of snot and a smoker’s cough like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s also the first week of school holidays, well for me it’s actually the second because last week my schoolie was home all week sick 😦

adfafdf

My kids are great sharers, which means the germs have gone from oldest to youngest.

It’s inevitable that No.3 will get it, especially considering he just took a swig of his brother’s germ laden drink bottle – kill me.

I believe you have to take the good with the bad when it comes to sick kids.

THE GOOD

1. Instead of running around like crazy units, they are content to watch TV and leave you alone (well maybe not those under three).

2. It’s the best excuse ever for not leaving the house.

3. You can get away with not cooking tea cos no one will eat it anyhow!

4. Having sick kids gets you out of almost ANYTHING – work, cleaning your house, meetings, returning phone calls (writing a shitty blog post that probably has lots of typos).

5. You get LOTS of cuddles from kids who want to sit on you for hours – which means you can play candy crush guilt-free with your spare hand – GENIUS!

Awww don't you wish you could just eat them?

Awww don’t you wish you could just eat them?


THE BAD

1. Kids who can’t blow their noses, I think someone should start-up a business doing this – oh yeah and while you’re at it, a toilet training school would also ROCK.

2. The probability you will get snot, phlegm, spew, poo, wee on you rises exponentially.

3. It costs a fortune to buy pain relief these days, and for a kid who has a 39C temp for four days you can’t avoid it :(.

4. They don’t stop whining, whimpering, calling our your name (poor wee mites but it does get taxing).

5. You are instant social lepers and miss out on parties, catching up with friends, school holiday movies, theme parks.

My new favourite toy - www.quickmeme.com

My new favourite toy – http://www.quickmeme.com

Has ‘sickness’ visited your house yet? And did he bring his mates cranky, grizzly, moanie and sneezy?

What is the best and worst part of having sick kids for you?

It’s Tuesday, 9.30am, and I wrote this in 25 minutes because I have FOMO in regards to IBOT.

For those not in the know, fear of missing out on I Blog on Tuesday!

Thanks for the link-up Jess @ Essentially Jess – you’re a legend!


96 Comments

A list of parenting books that no one will ever have the guts to publish

Here’s 10 books about parenting that I could never potentially publish one day:

1. Boys are little turds – so get over it.

2. Things get easier – when you’re in a nursing home drinking sherry at midday.

Maybe without the fags though - no one likes sherry breathe AND ashtray mouth

Maybe without the fags though – no one likes sherry breathe AND ashtray mouth. Image source

3. When your kids say they hate you – they’re not tricking.

4. Top tips on how to hide from your kids and make it seem like a game.

My favourite hiding spots are the washing line, and our walk-in robe!

My favourite hiding spots are the washing line, and our walk-in robe!

5. Toilet training is crap – there’s no sugar-coating it.

6. Stinky Saturdays, Fug All Fridays and other hints on how to make parenting easier.

7. Why texters, play dough and craft have no place in your home.

It was my husband's birthday this week - here is a personal message written by No.3

It was my husband’s birthday this week – here is a personal message written in texter, on the wall, by No.3.


8. You’re not alone – many mums dream about running to join the circus.

9. Parents secretly compare – so lie about your kid’s achievements just to screw with their heads.

10. And you thought you were fat before you had kids?

This is me before kids, about 10 years ago. Sadly I recall I STILL wasn't happy with my figure!

This is me before kids, about 10 years ago. Sadly I recall I STILL wasn’t happy with my figure!

What book could you write? Which one would you like to see me attempt first?

Speaking of publishing a book – Jess @ Essentially Jess has already done this! Check it out HERE

As if it wasn’t enough for her to pass me in candy crush last night – now she’s a published author!

GAME ON MOLE! 😉