I just got a written warning from my 22-month-old!

This is what my youngest son would say to me if he could.

Dear Mumma,

Straight off the bat, I gotta say I’m all for kisses and cuddles but DAMN keep that morning and coffee breath away from me girl!

And before I get to some more constructive criticism or general observations, I just wanted to say that I think most of the time you do a stella job.

(I said MOST not all, so don’t get cocky)

Here is an example of you NOT doing a great job – seriously – a HAIR TIE?

Here’s just a few points I’d like you to consider:

DRESS SENSE

I’m fine (sort of) with wearing hand-me-downs all the time, but what is it with you and socks?

For fug’s sake why can’t you find a matching pair? Don’t you know I cop flak from the peeps at kindy for that?

And what is up with those horrible tan track pants? Nanny and I tried to hide those horrible threads from you and somehow they are back on the agenda.

Not cool mumsy, NOT COOL!

As for this hat – talk about embarrassing, it’s tartan, floppy and does NOTHING for me!

FEED ME NOW

As for food, keep it coming thick and fast, and when I say milk, I mean it.

I also think you could sharpen up on the promptness of your nappy changing.

For example, when I say ‘no’ when you ask if I have a poo, I’m totally lying – do you think I enjoy squishy bum cheeks?

You are cramping my style with this selfie, please keep your distance when I’m drinking ma milk!

YOU’RE A SLOB

And what is it with you and mess on the floor, how hard is it for you to pick up crumbs and general mess?

I know you’re busy but come on – I see you sneaking in a game of Candy Crush when you think no one is looking.

Honestly I’m sick of doing all the work around here!

See mum – this is the pantry, inside is a rubbish bin – use this dustpan and brush to clean up – it’s THAT EASY!

This long thing is called a broom, it belongs in the messy cupboard beside the fridge, you know the one this is stuffed full of crap!

ESCAPE IS FUTILE

Oh and another thing, don’t think that when you hide by the washing line, walk-in-robe, or pantry that I don’t know you are there.

I’m secretly waiting around the corner to leap out and scream in your face to punish you for running away from me!

BOOM!

HAIR

Lastly and most importantly – LEAVE MY CRADLE CAP ALONE!

This means no sneaky picking when I’m on your knee, no scratching when I’m on a stool that I can’t get off by myself, and DEFINITELY hands off when we’re in public!

If you continue to do this, I will retrieve the pair of kitchen tongs I hide under my pillow and visit you in the middle of the night, it won’t be pleasant.

If your youngest child could speak to you – what would they say? Are you guilty of any of the above?

Happy Tuesday IBOT’ers – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess

It’s really not hard to spot a mother of three!

While I would hate to tar every mum of three with my dirty ole’ brush – but here’s five ways to spot one! (a mum of three that is, not an old brush).

1. SHOCKING DRESS SENSE
We’re so busy making sure our offspring are dressed appropriately – that we often neglect our own appearance, because quite frankly we couldn’t give a shit how we look.

In fact it’s a win if we manage to strap on a bra, comb our hair, and brush our teeth to get rid of our morning coffee breath.

I often just smash back a piece of sugar-free gum as I dash out the door!

I can’t for the life of me understand why my daughter’s teacher looked at me funny the other day.

2. EARLY INDEPENDENCE

As we battle to get scooters, shoes, strollers, wine water, snacks, change of clothes, sanity, out of the car, we often get our kids to try do more things for themselves.

While this has resulted in pants being put on backwards, a day when my daughter went to kindy without knickers on, and water puddles on the kitchen floor from trying to pour their own drink – sometimes they get it right!

In saying that, maybe it’s a bit much to expect my 1.5-year-old to “find your blue pj’s, the ones with the three fish on them, and put them on them on please”.

I asked my gorgeous boy to put his helmet on – great job me thinks!

3. VERY RELAXED PARENTING

Because we have more kids than adults in our family, every outing is a shit fight, and we just have to accept that – or go more insane than we already are.

There will be crying, kids wanting to wee 30 seconds after you pull out of the garage and “a traffic jam, when you’re already late” (thanks Alanis).

But because we’ve accepted the fact that we have very little control over our developing devil children, we just say MEH and take it as it comes.

This includes letting them swim in clothes, run around in the nick, and eat bark chips and sand, there’s gotta be something nutritious in it surely.

We also don’t have the energy to worry give our No.3s much more freedom when it comes to playground equipment.

Is that a mermaid?

Thankfully No.3’s head is blocking the nudeness of No.2!

4. MESS

Despite the fact that we are tripping over toys all day and night, we usually have one BIG basket, container or cupboard we can shove shit in to make the house look tidy in 30 seconds.

These will be strategically scattered throughout the entire house, take a look next time you visit a MOT, once you know what you’re looking for you’ll see them in EVERY ROOM!

We don’t distinguish soft toys from cars or balls anymore, we just throw it all in the one spot, telling ourselves we’ll sort it out soon (WHATEVER).

This faithful basket has been hiding shit for the past four years!

5. NO SHAME

Once you’ve had three kids, you really don’t have the time or energy to give a shit about much.

You find that you end up surrounding yourself with those who can accept that you’ve gone a little bit whacked in the head and love you anyways.

Sisters are always great for that – they listen to you moan about how you’re going insane and that life is SHIT but they just nod and listen because they know you don’t really mean it but you have to vent to someone!

It also helps if your husband isn’t very observant and doesn’t notice your hair needs a wash or that you’ve stacked on 10kg overnight because you can’t be farked exercising.

This is what happens when you have three kids and go on holiday with you amazeballs sisters and get drunk! NO SHAME

What other tell-tale signs give us MOTs away? What is your secret to parenting three or more kids?

Thanks to the AWESOME Grace at With Some Grace I’m flogging my blog!