Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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On being a bitch, a lover, a saint and a sinner!

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother!

I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed.

Does this sound familiar?

If you’re old, but not too old, you will have heard this song and sung your lungs out at karaoke to it at some stage!

alanis

While the creator of these lyrics, Alanis Morissette, isn’t everyone’s cup of whiskey – this song got me thinking about how we change once we become totally unprepared responsible parents.

Once kids come along we can forget who we are, and many people change completely.

I know I’m not exactly the same person I was BHTLS (Before Having Three Little Shits Sweethearts)!

But every now and then the ‘old me’ comes out to play – you know what I mean?

Here's the old me - resurfacing when I had a weekend without kids in Cairns! A little bit of a silly sausage, pulling selfies on a plane with my sissy!

Here’s the old me – resurfacing when I had a weekend without kids in Cairns! Here I am a little bit tipsy pulling selfies on a plane with my sissy!

So with the help of Alanis, here is a look at some personalities that can surface despite my motherhood status!

I’m a bitch

If someone takes a second glance at my screaming child at the supermarket and shakes their head – I will say: “Really? Do you think that’s going to make him stop screaming you old fart?”

Or I’ll say: “You only have to put up with it for two minutes, I have to listen to it all day MOFO ! (okay so I don’t say MOFO but it sounded cool right?)

I’m a lover

(this space is empty because my mum reads this 😉 )

I’m a child

Here is proof, I was rocking Gangham Style last weekend, can you pick me out?

I'm not doing an impression of a swooping hawk, that is me throwing some NASTY shapes on the dance floor!

I’m not doing an impression of a swooping hawk, that is me throwing some NASTY shapes on the dance floor!

I’m a mother

Which means I have to try not to laugh when my son asks his younger brother to pull finger so he can fart!

I also lick my finger and use my spittle to wipe stuff off my children’s faces before they go to school/kindy/out/destroy the peace at the local playground!

But here’s a quick tip that makes this process easier, get your kids to lick their OWN fingers and then use their slobber to wipe off the mess.

And considering all kids DEVOUR their boogers like they’re chocolate, how can they protest?

YUM YUM - it tastes so nice! Image source

YUM YUM – snot tastes so nice! Image source

I’m a sinner

I get speeding tickets (strangely, always when I’m without the kids), I like a drinkie or four, and I will totally pig out on chocolate, bread & butter and deep-fried camembert with plum sauce (gluttony).

I’m a saint

I will tell a friend that “it’s okay or I didn’t even notice” when it isn’t, because I know they didn’t mean to offend or upset me, and that sometimes I can be too sensitive (working on that).

Even though I’m in a hurry too, I will let the old person (they always only buy one or two things I swear) go ahead of me in the Aldi queue.

Why are you a bitch, a saint or a sinner?

Does the ‘old you’ come out to play every now and then? Or is s/he still your dominant personality?

Come on, fess up, it’s good for the soul – just ask Kirsty at My Home Truths – every Monday she makes peeps spill their guts!

It’s Tuesday and I Blog

Linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess for IBOT

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Do we trust our small kids too much? Or is play dough up the nose part of growing up?

There’s nothing like play dough up a nose to ruin your day.

I suppose it’s better than a marble – but worse than a pea, which I’m told usually breaks down quickly.

All smiles waiting to be seen by doctor!

All smiles waiting to be seen by doctor!

I'll be sure to keep this to show his wife and kids in 20 or so years time!

I’ll be sure to keep this to show his wife and kids in 20 or so years time!

Quite frankly it never entered my mind that my three-year-old would shove it up his schnoz (yes this is an actual word now according to the dictionary!)

I thought he was content enough to have the occasional lick or nibble, which I often turn a blind eye to, especially if it gives me 30 minutes peace.

Taking 100s of photos of themselves - I bet this has happened to most of you!!! Something else that occurs when you  think your child is playing nice and quietly by themselves!

Taking 100s of photos of himself – I bet this has happened to most of you!! Also something that happens when you think your child is playing nice and quietly by themselves!

So I was packing for a weekend away when the incident occurred – I can’t even remember saying yes to letting him use the play dough.

In my defense, I was pretty preoccupied, he could have asked me for a pack of cigarettes and I would have said “yes my darling”.

The Husband said he saw him picking his nose – nothing new here – but also pushing something up the other nostril.

He proudly told us he had put play dough up his nose and despite my frantic attempts to remove it with tweezers I couldn’t.

I suppose I should have realised he was in a bad mood - check out this face a few hours before the incident - and my house doesn't usually look like a hoarder's house - I was packing - truly!

I suppose I should have realised he was in a bad mood – check out this face a few hours before the incident – notice how my kitchen looks like it just spewed?

Hubby took him to doctor who referred him to the ED because he wasn’t sure he could was too scared to remove it!

We got there after walking 20 minutes in the dark and were both starving and thirsty.

(not to mention is was 5pm on a Friday – my tipple time).

Never too sick for a selfie!

Never too sick for a selfie!

The result was he had to get an outpatient appointment because ED doctor was not keen to dabble in the nose area – best left to the ENT specialists.

This suited me, I just wanted to get home and pack for my camping trip the next day! (mother of the year)

The whole incident got me thinking about how we trust our small kids a lot more than we should – well I do anyhow!

But then I suppose if I followed them around all day they’d start to hate me more than they already do.

Not to mention I’d start to morph into a helicopter mum and be obsessed with their every move!

They would also become a lot more sneaky than they already are – which is VERY sneaky!

My schoolie is banned from going to the tuckshop until she starts eating what we eat without a fuss – so she snuck some of her pocket money to take to use instead.

While I quietly applaud this resourcefulness, it scares me to think what she’ll be like a teen.

I have to agree with this - my husband is living proof! Image source

I have to agree with this – my husband is living proof!
Image source

But I suppose it’s about taking calculated risks.

For example, I leave my five-year-old girl in the bath for a few minutes while I do a quick tidy up – but I make her sing the whole time so I know she’s okay.

That’s probably why she’s so good at singing Gangnam Style – whoop whoop!

(As an aside if you want a PC version for your kids – why not teach them to sing – “Heeyyy chips and gravy whoop” must more appropriate for a five-year-old than Heeyy Sexy Lady me thinks).

I will also let my 21-month-old climb on and off the trampoline while I hang out the washing.

For me, it’s about having to let go or else I’d go silly stressing about them every second of the day.

However – there is always a downside.

Here is your answer! SMASHED EGG - and just before this he was poking finger in butter container and eating it!

This is what happens when you spend 10 minutes extra in bed – my ‘baby’ helped himself to stuff in the fridge – he also dipped his fingers in the butter!

Bet you’re glad you didn’t have to mop up that egg at 6am this morning – GROSS!

Moral of the story:

DON’T BE A LAZY ASS AND GET OUT OF BED WHEN YOU HEAR THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN!

What has your child put up his or her nose?
Are you a heli mum/dad or someone who let’s them learn the hard way?

Thanks Jess @ Essentially Jess for the linky and the chance to read heaps of AWESOME blogs in the one spot!