Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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If you say my name one more time I’m throwing myself under a bus!

I’m making a new rule for children.

They can now speak to us without US having to acknowledge them, for example, without them having to say our name 15 times IN A ROW.

Hands up if you agree?

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I’m all for politeness when I’m talking to another adult out of the house but…

When we are at home – just ask the BLOODY QUESTION or SHOW ME YOUR FANTASTIC LEGO CREATION!

“Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum” or “Dad dad dad dad dad dad mum mum mum mum” (because by this time they’ve realised that dad has tuned out and so they revert back to asking mum mum mum mum).

AND for no reason, apart from the fact I like bullet points oh hang that’s right my stupid blog doesn’t have them 😦 , I want to mention a few things for IBOT that are completely unrelated to the above rant:

PROBLOGGER

I’m there – from 8.25am Friday until 5.30pm Saturday! Yes, on Friday I am staying overnight hopefully, if I don’t dutch oven, or try and spoon my bedmate with the lovely Amanda! I will won’t be hard to miss at the conference – and you’ll be relieved sad if you miss drinking with meeting me!

You will totally want one of these suckers to keep your wobbly table from rocking!

You will totally want one of these suckers to stop your table from wobbling!

LOOK WHO IS TURNING TWO?
No, not my blog, my baby! And yes in typical MOTY style (Mother of the Year) I didn’t realise that I would be away on his actual birthday – thankfully no one can count very well at my place so his birthday has been delayed by a day! BOOM!

BOOBS
I asked the Husband if he had noticed my large, loveable muffin belly was getting smaller – he said he hadn’t noticed much (cue sad elevator music). But he did say that my boobs seemed more “deflated” – and welcome to the world of celibacy husband!

The disappearing boobs - they actually don't look too deflated here HUSBAND!

The disappearing boobs – they actually don’t look too deflated here HUSBAND!


SELF-HOSTED
So the next time you ‘see’ me I’ll be self-hosted, I hope!
I’ll be a bit like a teenager who thinks they have LOTS more freedom, but doesn’t quite have the smarts to know how to use it wisely!

I'm a writer not a computer geek - and I have no idea what a cpanel or jetpack is

I’m a writer not a computer geek – and I have no idea what a cpanel or jetpack is so just do it for me!

Do your kids repeatedly say your name until you feel like throwing yourself under a bus?
Are you going to Problogger? Will you be friendly, too cool for school or pretend you don’t know who I am?
Hang on don’t answer that, I’ll find out in three sleeps.

HOPEFULLY my last ever non self-hosted IBOT post – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess

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78 Comments

Just keep swimming, or trucking, or drinking!

You know those days when you nail it? Me neither.

This afternoon my daughter told me not to call her “a little shit shiz” – something I did under my breath because she was giving me the ‘I’m bored and you’re horrible speech’.

I acted all offended and then told her that I was in fact talking to someone on the computer that I was mad at! OOPS!

I learned my lesson – to speak WAY more quietly.

Does it look like I'm coping????

Lucky I have no shame and a sense of humour otherwise this parenting caper could make you go loopy (note photo bomber in background).

Anyway here is my week in Facebook updates!

1. The kids are annoying me so much I’m about to pour all the milk down the sink so I can leave the house for 45 minutes to go and get some more!

2. “I’m so glad we made our fourth bedroom a kid’s playroom” said no mother ever who now has to do all her work on a computer in the living/dining/kitchen!! FUG IT!

3. FUG! Got up extra early to make food for my son’s daycare party – and got greeted by blank looks – IT’S NEXT WEEK – and now my house smells of yummy food that I can’t eat. PLUS I have to make it again next Thursday – DOUBLE FUG!

4. I just overheard my three-year-old telling his big sister she was a “rock star” – as long as it’s not Miley I’m cool with that.

5. It’s been awhile since I posted amusing search engine terms that lead people to my blog, here are today’s:
*hot men ass (gross)
*chocolate pool (it’s never gonna happen)
*ant in thermomix (you idiot they cost thousands)
*candy crush laughs (umm no, it’s a game, it can’t speak)
*candy crush minty meadow (get a life!!)

I honestly don't make a habit out of calling my children little shits

I honestly don’t make a habit out of calling my children little shits

In other breaking news – I’m going self-hosted soon – so watch this space – just a wee bit excited!

ALSO…

I am a guest blogging today over at Lisa’s Random Acts of Zen blog!

Here I divulge some pretty funny interesting shiz – and you’ll never, ever, ever, get to know this trivial AMAZING stuff about me unless you visit here

So what is the best/worst thing about being self-hosted with WordPress?
Are you surprised by what I told Lisa?
Have you called your child a little shit recently and then felt bad?

Linking and sharing the LOVE with Jess @ Essentially Jess


64 Comments

Is there anything more awesome than getting a kick-ass trophy? NUP!

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose as long as… YOU GET A TROPHY!!

BOOM!

Just a wee bit excited about getting this trophy!

Just a wee bit excited about getting this trophy!

Last night my netball team, the Bluebirds, played in the grand finals and we …

LOST!!!!!!!!!!

Yes hard to believe considering the shit-hot trophy I have in bed with me to show for it, but it was a super close game.

After 40 minutes of gruelling play, including a few Academy Award-winning stacks by yours truly – the score was tied!

So – much to the excitement of the crowd, all five of them, we had to play for 10 minutes more – you could have cut the tension with a blunt, rusty knife.

I could say that “it was a game of two halves” and “the better team won on the day” but that’s not the case, it was honestly a tight game, with lots of handling errors on both sides.

We were bloody legends on the court – and I’m proud to be a retired Bluebird!

Just after we lost by one point - BOO :(

Just after we lost by one point – BOO 😦 I’m smack bang in the middle of this pic, just in case you can’t recognise me!

You know – before I got on the court I wasn’t stressed about winning, but as soon as that old dude on the sideline started cheering for our opposing team – REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY – something inside of me broke.

I leaped like a muppet and ran like a headless chicken to defend those shooters because I wanted to WIN mother fuggers!

If you didn’t know I once got an F for sportsmanship – I don’t like losing.

But it wasn’t to be – sadly they won by one – YES ONE BLOODY GOAL 😦

However, they say every cloud has a silver lining and ‘they’ were right – this particular silver lining came in the form of a TROPHY!!

WHOOP  - a runner-up trophy!!

WHOOP WHOOP – a runner-up trophy!!

The last and only ever trophy I won was at a work function where I kicked ass – wait for it – at go karting!

So to get one for netball was amazing (and not just because I paid $120 plus for fees) BUT I know that my children are going to go OFF when they see it!

I will be like a SUPER DUPER NETBALL MUM in their eyes!

And seriously, isn’t it a great feeling to see your children’s eyes light up – no matter what the reason?

Just a tiny bit proud - and sweaty - YUK

Just a tiny bit proud – and sweaty – YUK

I also have to admit that I might have acted like a bit of a pork chop when I was handed my Academy Award trophy.

I’m not saying that I bowed to the crowd other players – but I might have.

Isn't she GORGEOUS! Seriously - what a stunner!

Isn’t she GORGEOUS! Seriously – what a stunner!

Before I shut the hell up about winning a stupid runner-up netball trophy wrap this up I want to point out the good and bad of playing netball outdoors in winter.

PROS
1. I usually get out of the dinner, bath, bed routine.
2. The girls I play with are AWESOME, most were mums, but there were two or three lovelies under 20 that were FANTASTIC, and happy to listen to my mum drivel.
3. I had 15 minutes, to and from netball, in the car ALONE and got to have MY music up loud.

CONS
1. My IBOT newspaper writing deadline is Tuesday so always makes Monday a stressful day.
2. It’s bloody cold in winter and on Mondays I usually like to do FUG ALL because weekends are so full on.
3. 8.30pm games – those are just torture!

Totally loving my new BFF sick right now!

Totally loving my new BFF sick right now!

Did I mention I got a trophy 😉

What was the last trophy you won?
Have I inspired you to get your ass out and play a team sport?
Do you want my autograph?

Linking and sharing the LOVE with Jess @ Essentially Jess


63 Comments

Why I’d ride a camel, and confessing I have nibbled on rubbers!

I’m not exactly sure that what I’m about to post is kosher!

But I was recently given a virtual ‘pat on the back’ by Jess @ Essentially Jess.

She asked me to be the BLOGGER OF THE MO – how could I refuse!

bloggerofmo

Yes I know, talk about being up myself, but I wanted to share the Q&A’s with you all – because the questions were pretty hairy!

So indulge me fellow bloggers – it is FLOG YO BLOG FRIDAY after all 🙂

What is the most random thing you have ever eaten?

As a kid I used to LOVE nibbling on rubbers, and no I’m not talking about root suits, aka condoms, I grew up in New Zealand and we call erasers rubbers.

I also had a taste for paper, yep the stuff you write on, nothing too flashy or thick, just your garden variety A4, lined stuff.

Oh and mum told me I used to eat the dead flies from under the window sills because I thought they were raisins – YUMMO!

GROSS - I can't believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source

GROSS – I can’t believe I used to eat these suckers! They were dead, surely that counts for something? Image source


Would you rather ride on a puppy dog for 1km or a camel for 100km?

Seriously, a puppy dog? Is that a trick question? Because have you seen the size of me? I would kill a puppy dog if I rode on one and I have enough to feel guilty about in my life.

As for a camel, I do like a bit of a hump.

If you were a colour what would you be?

I’d like to say red because I’m pretty outgoing and slightly angry – but then again I wear a lot of black, not because I’m having Goth crisis but because it hides my muffin top.

You’re in a karaoke bar and you have to sing: what song is it going to be?

My singing voice is crap so I’m probably going to belt out a song that actually doesn’t need singing – like a rap – Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady for example.

I’ll even turn my hat around backwards, drop my pants a bit so you could see my butt crack and throw in a few YO YO MOFOs!

Isn't this a cracker of a shirt?  Image source

Isn’t this a cracker of a shirt? Image source

You must choose between only having either chocolate or alcohol for the rest of your life. Which will it be?

You all know I’m going to say: “Hi, I’m Emily and I choose you alcohol”.

But I pride myself on being able to overcome any obstacle so I’m going to pick a chocolate liqueur – two birds, one stone – BOOM!

So tell me – what is the weirdest thing you have eaten? And would you ride a puppy or a camel?

Do you get the IBOT monthly newsletter? Here is the most recent one so have a look and sign up!

FLOGGIN’ thanks to Grace @ With Some Grace

fybf


52 Comments

Nothing reeks of desperation more than a beer in your handbag!

Experts say you can tell a lot about someone by what’s in their handbag.

Take this one for example – one can only assume the owner is bloody thirsty, hungover, battling to stay awake and ridiculously slightly addicted to caffeine!

Quite an impressive haul right?

Quite an impressive haul right?

I spot four drinks and a wallet – and this is what I assume they are for.

1. Beer – the hair of the dog – the poor biatch is as hung as a horse and is hoping a swig of beer will help.

2. Iced coffee – just in case the booze doesn’t help, the caffeine combined with milk will act as a binding agent to help prevent the beer coming back up.

3. The cola drink fake sugar – obviously this is a desperate last-ditch attempt to bring the tired body back to life.

4. Water bottle – to clean up whatever surface is hurled on after the person consumes the above liquids!

5. A wallet – to buy more beer if it goes down REALLY well!

And here is why the owner of this handbag – MOI – had all those drinks in her bag…

A night out with the hubby for our anniversary after a few bubbles were consumed, and not ones from the bath!

A night out with the hubby for our anniversary after a few bubbles were consumed, and not ones from the bath!

And I’m happy to report I managed to drink and hold down ALL of the liquid refreshments – and a few hours later I felt FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC! (probably thanks to an entire box of medium-sized movie popcorn – droooolllll).

What is the most unusual thing in your handbag at the moment?

Anyhoe, today I’m a guest blogger for the lovely Kyla from Three Quarters Full – she is hosting a series of posts by mums who are taking the time to remember (or reclaim) who they were before they became a parent first, a person second.

Here’s a snippet of what I wrote…

Despite the fact I’m a ‘sensible’ mother of three – there is still a risk-taking party girl lurking inside of me somewhere, desperate to get out.

So head over and have a read @ The Woman Beneath

It’s TUESDAY and I BLOG – and thanks to the lovely Jess I get to link up and read about what everyone else has been up to!