Have a laugh on me

We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!


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Have you had an unwanted visitor who turns you in to a social leper?

Sickness arrived our house about a week ago and WON’T BLOODY LEAVE!

My poor wee muffins are battling high temps, endless amounts of snot and a smoker’s cough like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s also the first week of school holidays, well for me it’s actually the second because last week my schoolie was home all week sick 😦

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My kids are great sharers, which means the germs have gone from oldest to youngest.

It’s inevitable that No.3 will get it, especially considering he just took a swig of his brother’s germ laden drink bottle – kill me.

I believe you have to take the good with the bad when it comes to sick kids.

THE GOOD

1. Instead of running around like crazy units, they are content to watch TV and leave you alone (well maybe not those under three).

2. It’s the best excuse ever for not leaving the house.

3. You can get away with not cooking tea cos no one will eat it anyhow!

4. Having sick kids gets you out of almost ANYTHING – work, cleaning your house, meetings, returning phone calls (writing a shitty blog post that probably has lots of typos).

5. You get LOTS of cuddles from kids who want to sit on you for hours – which means you can play candy crush guilt-free with your spare hand – GENIUS!

Awww don't you wish you could just eat them?

Awww don’t you wish you could just eat them?


THE BAD

1. Kids who can’t blow their noses, I think someone should start-up a business doing this – oh yeah and while you’re at it, a toilet training school would also ROCK.

2. The probability you will get snot, phlegm, spew, poo, wee on you rises exponentially.

3. It costs a fortune to buy pain relief these days, and for a kid who has a 39C temp for four days you can’t avoid it :(.

4. They don’t stop whining, whimpering, calling our your name (poor wee mites but it does get taxing).

5. You are instant social lepers and miss out on parties, catching up with friends, school holiday movies, theme parks.

My new favourite toy - www.quickmeme.com

My new favourite toy – http://www.quickmeme.com

Has ‘sickness’ visited your house yet? And did he bring his mates cranky, grizzly, moanie and sneezy?

What is the best and worst part of having sick kids for you?

It’s Tuesday, 9.30am, and I wrote this in 25 minutes because I have FOMO in regards to IBOT.

For those not in the know, fear of missing out on I Blog on Tuesday!

Thanks for the link-up Jess @ Essentially Jess – you’re a legend!

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A list of parenting books that no one will ever have the guts to publish

Here’s 10 books about parenting that I could never potentially publish one day:

1. Boys are little turds – so get over it.

2. Things get easier – when you’re in a nursing home drinking sherry at midday.

Maybe without the fags though - no one likes sherry breathe AND ashtray mouth

Maybe without the fags though – no one likes sherry breathe AND ashtray mouth. Image source

3. When your kids say they hate you – they’re not tricking.

4. Top tips on how to hide from your kids and make it seem like a game.

My favourite hiding spots are the washing line, and our walk-in robe!

My favourite hiding spots are the washing line, and our walk-in robe!

5. Toilet training is crap – there’s no sugar-coating it.

6. Stinky Saturdays, Fug All Fridays and other hints on how to make parenting easier.

7. Why texters, play dough and craft have no place in your home.

It was my husband's birthday this week - here is a personal message written by No.3

It was my husband’s birthday this week – here is a personal message written in texter, on the wall, by No.3.


8. You’re not alone – many mums dream about running to join the circus.

9. Parents secretly compare – so lie about your kid’s achievements just to screw with their heads.

10. And you thought you were fat before you had kids?

This is me before kids, about 10 years ago. Sadly I recall I STILL wasn't happy with my figure!

This is me before kids, about 10 years ago. Sadly I recall I STILL wasn’t happy with my figure!

What book could you write? Which one would you like to see me attempt first?

Speaking of publishing a book – Jess @ Essentially Jess has already done this! Check it out HERE

As if it wasn’t enough for her to pass me in candy crush last night – now she’s a published author!

GAME ON MOLE! 😉


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In order to survive as parents we must have no shame and turn a blind eye

Sometimes being a parent is like living in a war zone.

You’re not sure where your enemy is hiding and what they’re going to do next!

My sister bought this for my son but I've taken a shine to it! Notice in the background my youngest is about to blow a poisonous dart at his brother?

My sister bought this for my son but I’ve taken a shine to it! Notice in the background my youngest is about to blow a poisonous dart at his brother?


Before children I was pretty confident I knew HEAPS about being a parent.

I was a nanny for three years on and off in New York so was quite deluded sure I knew what I was getting in to!

Was I wrong? Does a bear shit in the woods?

While I knew it was a HUGE commitment – I didn’t realise some of the other skills I needed:

NO SHAME

This comes in useful for when your offspring tells the person at the chemist in an unusually clear and loud voice that “even my mum had an itchy bum when she was a little girl”.

THICK SKIN

On a daily basis you will be kicked, spat at, answered back to, and even told that you’re not loved. While I admit to being sensitive in regards to what people say about me, I know that when my kids bag me out they don’t REALLY mean it, they are just frustrated.

My youngest totally going psycho because he can't do something he's not physically able to do at just 18 months!

My youngest totally going psycho because he can’t do something he’s not physically able to do at just 18 months!

A YARD GLASS FULL OF PATIENCE

While I still haven’t totally mastered this I’m getting there – or maybe I’m just getting better at ignoring them?

This is needed for the soul-destroying job that is toilet training, sight words (kill me) and teaching a three-year-old he has to wash his hands EVERY time after he goes to the toilet.

This what happens when you ignore your kids for half an hour!

This what happens when you ignore your kids for half an hour!

THE ABILITY TO TURN A BLIND EYE

This comes in useful for when you know they’re in the fridge fossicking for food and you can’t be arsed getting out of bed at 6am to police it. It’s only once the fridge door has been open for a minute and starts to BEEP that you haul your butt outta bed to investigate what has been spilled.

CAREFREE

You have to forget about the mess in the toilet, the screaming/screeching from dawn til dusk, the chaos at dinner time, the shit fights ALL THE TIME, the drama at bedtime and just let them be kids. This has been a hard thing for me to accept – but since having my third I’ve had to let A LOT of things go (including my waistline and many of my non-drinking friends 😉 )

This was 15 minutes of fun for 10 minutes of cleaning up - but whatever - they had a ball!

This was 15 minutes of fun for 10 minutes of cleaning up – but whatever – they had a ball!

ACCEPT BEING BROKE

There will be no more nice things for the house, drinking at the pub for hours, or booking a last-minute flight to see a friend interstate. You will spend your money on theme park passes, buying car seats, over-priced stainless steel drink bottles (@ $30 a pop they are bloody ridiculous) and bikes, scooters and toys – most of which they’ll play with for five minutes before NEVER picking them up again.

What is the most useful skill you think a parent needs? Do you have it or still acquiring it?

So after a week off I’m back blogging – What have I missed out on in your life???

Thanks for hosting Jess and I hope your editing is going great guns!


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Nothing like a shit show to start a Monday!

Why is it that whenever you REALLY need to get something done by a certain time everything turns to shit?

This was the case for me this morning – literally.

I was frantically trying to smash out some work on the computer so I let the kids run free range, first mistake.

Most mums know they’re in for a big clean up if they leave their pre-schoolers to their own devices for a reasonable amount of time.

But when I heard No.2 scream I knew something was up – it wasn’t really a pain cry, more of a scared one.

I ran down the hallway to find a nude toddler dripping wet in something (which I later realised was wee).

(Just as an aside there must be something seriously wrong with my search engine – because this is a photo that came up under the search – toddler dripping wet!)

Image

Seriously WTF – but hey who am I to complain, so I thought I’d post it anyhow, mmm David.

I mean this is probably something us mums need to look at, sort of like therapy, after having to spend a large part of our day cleaning up shit!

So anyway back to the shit show.

I arrived in the toilet to find No.3 skidding around on the floor amongst wee and poo, I mean he was covered in the stuff.

Meanwhile No.2 was shrieking in fear because he was also wearing nothing but turds and whey.

I think what happened was my newly toilet trained boy had accidentally done a wee on the floor in the toilet, but then managed to do a No.2 in the appropriate place.

However, upon leaving the throne to wipe his butt he skidded in his whiz and fell hard into a pile of wee and poo. NOICE.

It was then the ever inquisitive No.3 arrived on the scene to inspect what was going on.

Immediately he tripped up and was also covered in whiz and poo but didn’t seem worried, probably because he’s used to playing in toilet bowls.

Not that I let him, but he seems to sense whenever a toilet door is left open, and races in there with anything that resembles a stick to stir the water.

If there’s nothing nearby he’ll use his hands – yip he’s one of those boys – a shit stirrer you might say.

But hey it’s nothing a shower and a strong coffee couldn’t fix, because it was too early for a wine and definitely not 5 o’clock somewhere.

I put it down to being ”just another Manic Monday – whoa whoa – wish it were a Sunday – whoa whoa” (man I used to love the Bangles).

The week can only get better right?