Hey everyone!
I no longer exist at this site, I’ve revamped my site and am now located here:
Please head over for a laugh at my expense over there!
CIAO!
Butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths – Wordless Wednesday
My darlings in ALL their glory!!
How could I EVER be cranky at these ‘angels’?
My friend and talented photographer Aroha @ Photography By Aroha took these photos during an impromptu photo shoot at a mutual McAwesome friend’s house!
She is UBER reasonable, very flexible and is a wee bit of a perfectionist so you WILL get some good shots!
It’s Wordless Wednesday and I link with:
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
If you say my name one more time I’m throwing myself under a bus!
I’m making a new rule for children.
They can now speak to us without US having to acknowledge them, for example, without them having to say our name 15 times IN A ROW.
Hands up if you agree?
I’m all for politeness when I’m talking to another adult out of the house but…
When we are at home – just ask the BLOODY QUESTION or SHOW ME YOUR FANTASTIC LEGO CREATION!
“Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum” or “Dad dad dad dad dad dad mum mum mum mum” (because by this time they’ve realised that dad has tuned out and so they revert back to asking mum mum mum mum).
AND for no reason, apart from the fact I like bullet points oh hang that’s right my stupid blog doesn’t have them 😦 , I want to mention a few things for IBOT that are completely unrelated to the above rant:
PROBLOGGER
I’m there – from 8.25am Friday until 5.30pm Saturday! Yes, on Friday I am staying overnight hopefully, if I don’t dutch oven, or try and spoon my bedmate with the lovely Amanda! I will won’t be hard to miss at the conference – and you’ll be relieved sad if you miss drinking with meeting me!
You will totally want one of these suckers to stop your table from wobbling!
LOOK WHO IS TURNING TWO?
No, not my blog, my baby! And yes in typical MOTY style (Mother of the Year) I didn’t realise that I would be away on his actual birthday – thankfully no one can count very well at my place so his birthday has been delayed by a day! BOOM!
BOOBS
I asked the Husband if he had noticed my large, loveable muffin belly was getting smaller – he said he hadn’t noticed much (cue sad elevator music). But he did say that my boobs seemed more “deflated” – and welcome to the world of celibacy husband!
The disappearing boobs – they actually don’t look too deflated here HUSBAND!
SELF-HOSTED
So the next time you ‘see’ me I’ll be self-hosted, I hope!
I’ll be a bit like a teenager who thinks they have LOTS more freedom, but doesn’t quite have the smarts to know how to use it wisely!
I’m a writer not a computer geek – and I have no idea what a cpanel or jetpack is so just do it for me!
Do your kids repeatedly say your name until you feel like throwing yourself under a bus?
Are you going to Problogger? Will you be friendly, too cool for school or pretend you don’t know who I am?
Hang on don’t answer that, I’ll find out in three sleeps.
HOPEFULLY my last ever non self-hosted IBOT post – linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess
He got knocked down but got up again! Wordless Wednesday
Getting this close to the water is a big deal for my boy – he didn’t want to even come to the beach!
Psyching himself up for a wave to come.
Oh crap, another wave was coming in close behind this one so it became a lot bigger than I, and he, expected!!!
A great action shot, if I do say so myself, so I just had to zoom in to show him getting air!
Getting SMASHED by the wave! I promise I ran over to see how he was as soon as I took this photo!
I was convinced he would scream his head off and run away but this is him, minutes after – ready to face the waves again. I was so proud.
And you can imagine my shock when he ran back into the ocean again – that’s my boy!
The ocean is a powerful thing and it should be respected.
A Wordless Wednesday post and I link with the trio of ladies I love!
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
Just keep swimming, or trucking, or drinking!
You know those days when you nail it? Me neither.
This afternoon my daughter told me not to call her “a little shit shiz” – something I did under my breath because she was giving me the ‘I’m bored and you’re horrible speech’.
I acted all offended and then told her that I was in fact talking to someone on the computer that I was mad at! OOPS!
I learned my lesson – to speak WAY more quietly.
Lucky I have no shame and a sense of humour otherwise this parenting caper could make you go loopy (note photo bomber in background).
Anyway here is my week in Facebook updates!
1. The kids are annoying me so much I’m about to pour all the milk down the sink so I can leave the house for 45 minutes to go and get some more!
2. “I’m so glad we made our fourth bedroom a kid’s playroom” said no mother ever who now has to do all her work on a computer in the living/dining/kitchen!! FUG IT!
3. FUG! Got up extra early to make food for my son’s daycare party – and got greeted by blank looks – IT’S NEXT WEEK – and now my house smells of yummy food that I can’t eat. PLUS I have to make it again next Thursday – DOUBLE FUG!
4. I just overheard my three-year-old telling his big sister she was a “rock star” – as long as it’s not Miley I’m cool with that.
5. It’s been awhile since I posted amusing search engine terms that lead people to my blog, here are today’s:
*hot men ass (gross)
*chocolate pool (it’s never gonna happen)
*ant in thermomix (you idiot they cost thousands)
*candy crush laughs (umm no, it’s a game, it can’t speak)
*candy crush minty meadow (get a life!!)
I honestly don’t make a habit out of calling my children little shits
In other breaking news – I’m going self-hosted soon – so watch this space – just a wee bit excited!
ALSO…
I am a guest blogging today over at Lisa’s Random Acts of Zen blog!
Here I divulge some pretty funny interesting shiz – and you’ll never, ever, ever, get to know this trivial AMAZING stuff about me unless you visit here
So what is the best/worst thing about being self-hosted with WordPress?
Are you surprised by what I told Lisa?
Have you called your child a little shit recently and then felt bad?
Linking and sharing the LOVE with Jess @ Essentially Jess
Why every day is Father’s Day around here!
If you ask me every day is like Father’s Day around this joint!
And I can say that without fear of being stabbed in the eye because 95 per cent of my readers are women (who are quietly nodding their head right now).
Let me clarify myself in five ways:
1. ALWAYS THE FAVOURITE
My husband is always revered, adored and the kids BOUND out the door when he flies up the driveway nearly crashing into the garage door arrives home from work. He can do no wrong and I become chopped liver (which I secretly LOVE).
2. HOUSEWORK
I’m pretty much chief cook and bottle washer around here anyhow and so telling him not to lift a finger won’t be needed. I should say that he does unload the dishwasher. This is a job I hate so much that I’ll wash dishes by hand instead of unloading in order to re-load it (does that even make sense?) .
3. GOODIES
We always have a steady supply of chocolate and lollies in the house, so there’s no need for Father’s Day gluttony around here.
4. PASHING
I’m always trying to pash him – usually at inappropriate times – this isn’t something I only try to do on the first Sunday in September.
Yep that’s pretty much how I do it!
5. SOCKS & JOCKS
I buy these when they’re on special at the shops, why just spread the sock and jock love one day a year – you can’t get a much better wife than that surely??
BEFORE YOU START DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS HUSBAND – PLEASE READ THE PHOTO BELOW
I will do all of this for you on your special day – especially the non-nagging part!!
To those of who have a dad – celebrate, nurture and love him.
To those who no longer have a living dad – hugs to you.
To my dad – I love you to the moon and back!
To my husband – you are my soul mate, my rock and I appreciate everything you do for me and our crazy gorgeous family!
What you got planned this Sunday?
Is every day Father’s Day at your house??
Gonna flog ma blog with Grace @ With Some Grace tomoz!
On being a mother to five for the weekend – Wordless Wednesday
Over the weekend I was a mother to five kids under five-and-a-half-years old – now surely that deserves another trophy?
Ahhh – so peaceful just me, myself and I.
It didn’t last for long – I was soon bamboozled with love from seven gorgeous cherubs, three of which were mine, two were staying with us over the weekend and two more were just visiting!
After having five young children under my roof for three nights – I’m not sure I will ever moan about my three again (yeah right).
Honestly though, to those who have lots of young children, I salute and admire you – but certainly wouldn’t want to be you – no offence!
Did you have a crazy weekend? How many kids do you want/have?
It’s Wordless Wednesday – linking with the lovely Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
Is there anything more awesome than getting a kick-ass trophy? NUP!
It doesn’t matter if you win or lose as long as… YOU GET A TROPHY!!
BOOM!
Just a wee bit excited about getting this trophy!
Last night my netball team, the Bluebirds, played in the grand finals and we …
LOST!!!!!!!!!!
Yes hard to believe considering the shit-hot trophy I have in bed with me to show for it, but it was a super close game.
After 40 minutes of gruelling play, including a few Academy Award-winning stacks by yours truly – the score was tied!
So – much to the excitement of the crowd, all five of them, we had to play for 10 minutes more – you could have cut the tension with a blunt, rusty knife.
I could say that “it was a game of two halves” and “the better team won on the day” but that’s not the case, it was honestly a tight game, with lots of handling errors on both sides.
We were bloody legends on the court – and I’m proud to be a retired Bluebird!
Just after we lost by one point – BOO 😦 I’m smack bang in the middle of this pic, just in case you can’t recognise me!
You know – before I got on the court I wasn’t stressed about winning, but as soon as that old dude on the sideline started cheering for our opposing team – REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY – something inside of me broke.
I leaped like a muppet and ran like a headless chicken to defend those shooters because I wanted to WIN mother fuggers!
If you didn’t know I once got an F for sportsmanship – I don’t like losing.
But it wasn’t to be – sadly they won by one – YES ONE BLOODY GOAL 😦
However, they say every cloud has a silver lining and ‘they’ were right – this particular silver lining came in the form of a TROPHY!!
WHOOP WHOOP – a runner-up trophy!!
The last and only ever trophy I won was at a work function where I kicked ass – wait for it – at go karting!
So to get one for netball was amazing (and not just because I paid $120 plus for fees) BUT I know that my children are going to go OFF when they see it!
I will be like a SUPER DUPER NETBALL MUM in their eyes!
And seriously, isn’t it a great feeling to see your children’s eyes light up – no matter what the reason?
Just a tiny bit proud – and sweaty – YUK
I also have to admit that I might have acted like a bit of a pork chop when I was handed my Academy Award trophy.
I’m not saying that I bowed to the crowd other players – but I might have.
Isn’t she GORGEOUS! Seriously – what a stunner!
Before I shut the hell up about winning a stupid runner-up netball trophy wrap this up I want to point out the good and bad of playing netball outdoors in winter.
PROS
1. I usually get out of the dinner, bath, bed routine.
2. The girls I play with are AWESOME, most were mums, but there were two or three lovelies under 20 that were FANTASTIC, and happy to listen to my mum drivel.
3. I had 15 minutes, to and from netball, in the car ALONE and got to have MY music up loud.
CONS
1. My IBOT newspaper writing deadline is Tuesday so always makes Monday a stressful day.
2. It’s bloody cold in winter and on Mondays I usually like to do FUG ALL because weekends are so full on.
3. 8.30pm games – those are just torture!
Totally loving my new BFF sick right now!
Did I mention I got a trophy 😉
What was the last trophy you won?
Have I inspired you to get your ass out and play a team sport?
Do you want my autograph?
Linking and sharing the LOVE with Jess @ Essentially Jess
Why I’m not a stream of consciousness writer
I’ve always loved stream of consciousness writers, and while I like to think I’m one of them, I’m probably not.
However, for one time only I will be one.
For the next 10 minutes I’m going to share my inner monologue – just for shits and giggles (probably more shits than giggles).
Here are two definitions of “stream of consciousness” according to the ever hilarious Urban Dictionary:
1. The tendency of the human mind to inadvertently jump from one subject to another.
2. The act of daydreaming while you’re peeing.
Behold my verbal diarrhoea – defined by the Urban Dictionary as a:
“Nonsensical verbal diarrhea. Blathering a never-ending stream of craziness at someone who has no interest in and/or cannot understand what you’re talking about without a break in “conversation” allowing for them to politely escape.”
Strap yourselves in – it ain’t pretty…
I can’t stop thinking that the crown I just had fitted to my molar is not quite right because it’s trapping food and that can’t be great – FUG!
Do I call the dentist and go back for more pain? But if I don’t I might regret it because I paid a bloody fortune for it (just kidding husband it was a BARGAIN).
And when will I have the time to go? I have just agreed to write lots of BORING SHIT for various organisations and people because I am not in the position to be fussy when it comes to writing, because I work from home and only have two free days a week without children to try to make an average person’s income!
But that is what happens when you take maternity leave when you’re nearing the top of your game and then refuse to go back because you can’t bear the thought of not being around your baby every second of every day.
Mind you it was pretty shit they said come back full-time or not at all – bastards.
Whatever, I should be grateful that I am able to write from home, and while it’s not breaking (or making) news anymore, it pays the bills. It is also helping out small businesses who need a plug in this tough economy.
But if I did get my tooth fixed, the only day I have is Thursday but then I parent help and there are only two of us in the entire class that do it and if I pull out then our lovely teacher will miss out of valuable help and my daughter will miss not getting the coin I give her to go to the tuckshop when I parent help.
SHIT – okay so I have to go – wonder if they do late nights?
Then if I went at night I would miss out on quiet drinking time, and then wake up even crankier than I do usually at 4.30 – when the Husband’s alarm goes off.
Man I hate that, I wish I could attach a buzzer to his pecker so he’d wake up when it jolted him, because as soon as I hear that alarm I’m FUGGING AWAKE – yes at 4.30am every morning, then I get three kids streaming in from 5.30am…
OKAY so that is 10 minutes of my head dribble – isn’t my inner monologue boring??
What exciting things are going on in your brain at the moment?
All creatures great and small – Wordless Wednesday
My eagle-eyed and very observant two-year-old (in 3 weeks) found this ant and was amazed by what it was doing!
Here is a close up of what he saw, a small ant pulling probably 10 times its weight in cheese – ain’t nature amazing!
PLUS – here are some photos taken by my daughter near our house at the weekend.
She’s pretty talented I think!
Up, up and AWAY!
About to take off and follow the other balloon!
I have to credit the Husband for taking the kids out in the car to see this happening – I was still in bed. I love that man!
Have you been up in a hot-air balloon?
Do you have those big ants that bite and boss you around your own home?
PS – it’s my little sister’s birthday today – HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLISSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE xxx
Another Wordless Wednesday post and I link with a trio of troopers!!
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
Look what I can do with a zucchini and an electric device!
Eat your heart out Thermomix crusaders – I’m bringing the beater back! YEAH!
Bet you Thermomixers can’t do this with your machine, you’d lose your tongue, or a digit – BOOM – go the old electric mixer!
For those who aren’t familiar with the Thermomix – be proud ashamed, be VERY proud ashamed.
Here it is, in all it’s $2000 (give or take) glory!
For someone like me, a writer, this device would be the equivalent of me having a minion to take notes while I spoke, to interview boring people, do research on the internet and then present me with all the info.
All that would be left for me to do was press a button and VOILA an amazing article would appear.
Basically you have to do FUG ALL and you get a shit-hot baking product!
But alas I am not one of the privileged few who owns one, nor will I likely EVER be gifted one to write a review about.
So I thought I’d go retro and make cupcakes with… wait for it…. an electric beater!
Nothing like a vibrating hand to make you feel ALIVE!
The aim was to hide three large zucchinis in them, like I do with risotto and spag bol!
I LOVE ZUCCHINIS!
No need to bore you with a description of how I made them, but here is a pictorial of my baking adventure.
Then I added zucchini – just TRICKS – this was just to see if you were still awake – looks a bit, umm, crude!
Totally pureed those zucchinis!
This is more like it and I only found a few (dozen) tiny bits of egg shell in the mixture – will give the lucky cruncher a GREAT surprise, a little bit like crunching on sand!
Oh it’s the simple things in life that keep me happy!
Doesn’t it look so picturesque?
This – not so much!
Out of the bowl and into the oven baby! And not a Thermomix in sight!
YUMMO – and they were gone in less than 24 hours – NO SHIT!
A happy customer, excuse the open mouth eating food photo!
I’m starting to wonder if I have missed my calling? Am I perhaps destined to be a FOOD BLOGGER after all?
Have you got any other tips to hiding veges in food?
Nah just kidding I don’t care, I only bake once a year and I’ve done my dash for 2013!
A rather wordless IBOT – but they say a picture paints a thousands words!
WAIT – don’t got!!!
I’m GUEST BLOGGING over for Kylie @ A Study of Contradictions – LOVE LOVE her blog, the fact she can rant and swear like a pro while being super intelligent!
Go on visit me her blog TODAY
Thanks Jess @ Essentially Jess for hosting
Why we all need time at the beach – Wordless Wednesday
The love of my love and I had lunch at the beach mid-week – a rare treat for us!
Oops – I got a bit excited and overfilled my glass! And check out that bread platter – BOOM!
I couldn’t waste it!
Almost composed.
Composed
LOVING time to myself
LOVING time with my soul mate!
Nothing nicer than the sound of waves crashing!
Getting feet wet and loving it!
Ummm, can you read this?
Promise me if you live near the beach to do this as much as you can – it’s tonic for the soul!
It’s Wordless Wednesday and I link with the lovely
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
Ten things men think but are usually smart enough not to say out loud!
Learning when to hold your tongue is a trait may of us aren’t so great at.
But in order to survive parenthood and marriage, many couples refrain from saying things they would LOVE to get off their chest.
I recently I wrote a post about books I’d love to publish
Here is a list that is sort of not really an extension of this:
Ten things husbands or partners would LOVE to say to us but never will – for fear of getting shot.
1. I know you were crushing candy just before I walked in the door and then quickly did the husband hustle to clean up this pigsty.
2. Your mum cooks way better than you! (Actually the Husband says this to me!).
3. Yes, yes I know you work WAY harder than me and you don’t get a lunch break, sick days, or to speak to other adults, blah blah blah.
4. Do you really think it’s such a great idea to eat chocolate and drink wine so late at night? Your GUT ain’t getting any smaller!
5. I couldn’t give a shit about the bargain you got at the supermarket today – unless it involves boobs.
6. Surely you’re not that naive to think that I only look at news videos on my very large-screened 4G smart phone.
7. If the lawns annoy you so fugging much get off your chocolate ass and do them yourself instead of hinting at how good the neighbours look!
8. Of course I love you but please shut the hell up about how tired you are – I’m trying to ignore you by watching sport, reality TV or play a game on my iPad.
9. I think it’s a great idea for you to get out of the house more – because it give me a few hours without your nagging.
10. I stopped listening about 30 seconds ago, what the hell are you talking about WOMAN? (This is when they start smiling and nodding).
What do you think your partner is secretly thinking but values their life too much to say?
Does your significant other actually say any of the above? Are they still alive?
Or are you kidding yourself in to thinking your lovely partner would NEVER have these thoughts?
It’s a Tuesday IBOT post – inspired by Jess @ Essentially Jess
A flash back in time to when there were two – Wordless Wednesday
A trip down memory lane to when my second born arrived – inspired by Kylie @ A Study of Contradiction – who just had her second child a week or so ago.
All these gorgeous photos were taken by my friend Aroha – catch her at Photography By Aroha
or Colours of Sunset
She is reasonably priced, lives on the Gold Coast and takes great kids, babies and families!
It’s my weekly Wordless Wednesday post:
Linking with three lovelies:
Trish at My Little Drummer Boys
Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye
And Ai at Sakura Haruka
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates – it’s like a board game!
Forrest Gump’s mama got it all wrong – life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s like a board game!
Indulge me if you will, while I attempt to associate the names of the below games to what it’s like to be a parent.
SCRABBLE
What you will be doing from the moment you child is born, whether it’s figuring out how to swaddle them, holding on to a runaway toddler or stopping them from body slamming their brother.
You will also scrabbling for money, to get them to school on time and to explain to your inquisitive kids what ‘adult cuddles’ are.
Surely this has got to win me the game!
KERPLUNK
What happens to your uterus once you have kids, say goodbye to carefree bouncing on the trampoline or laughing without fear!
For dads, this is what will happen to your sex life.
You will also lose your marbles over and over again.
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS
Your life will revolved around feeding, or attempting to feed children.
If you have grazers you should put a stool in your pantry or kitchen and sit there for the entire day because you’ll be asked to hand out food every 30 to 45 minutes!.
TWISTER
It’s highly likely kids will “twist her” around the bend with their questions, repetition of the word ‘mum’ and their ability to poo just as your strap them in their car seat.
Parents will also be twisted and pulled in so many directions that they’ll often end up collapsing in a heap!
This is the classic version, just so you know there are many new takes on it, especially kinky ones (for those of you wanting to spice things up a bit). Image source
SNAKES AND LADDERS
Life is now full of ups and downs and just when you think you’ve got it sussed, you’ll have to start at the bottom and work you way back to the top again!
But there will also be some amazing highs that you didn’t realise existed until you had children.
CLUEDO
Most days you’ll have no clue in regards to what you are doing, but if you wing it, trust your instincts and NEVER read parenting books you’ll get there.
There’ll also be days when you’ll accuse Professor Plum of hitting Colonel Mustard on the head with a candlestick – whereas in actual fact it was Colonel Mustard who started the shit fight by tying Professor Plum up with a rope!
Wasn’t this one of the best games EVER!
Image source
TROUBLE
A word that you will approx about 5460 times* to your child to your child before they are 15.
Something your partner will be in if s/he wakes up a baby you have spent FOREVER trying to get to sleep.
They sure don’t make ’em like this anymore, the bobble thing in the middle isn’t as sturdy that’s for sure.
Image source
And if you are wondering why I have left much-loved Monopoly off the list, well it’s because.. I HAVE NEVER PLAYED MONOPOLY – EVER!
Yes it’s highly likely that I’m in the 10th percentile of people my age who haven’t played this game.
That’s my claim to fame and I’m sticking with it!
What board game represents your life right now? What game have you never played? Anyone want to come over and show me the big deal with Monopoly is?
*(I calculated this by the fact you probably say it once a day every day for about 15 years – I’m sure there are days when the word ‘trouble’ is not said at all, but others when it’s used four or five times a day.)
It’s Tuesday, I’m off to the dentist (BOO) but I’m linking with Jess @ Essentially Jess
Have a laugh on me 